本人剩最后一次机会考雅思了，求各位高手帮忙改一下作文(过了,谢谢大家)

98gyhuvzg9 · 发表于 2011-9-14 19:29:57

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今天看到heb30的帖子说9月3日的雅思成绩出来了，我非常紧张地登陆网站查询，结果很出乎意料：听力6.5/阅读6.5/写作6.5/口语6，我简直不敢相信自己的眼睛。这个成绩对于坛子里的牛人们来说根本不值一提，可是对我这个基础差得要死，写作从没考过6分的人来说，真是天大的惊喜，终于过了，这也意味着自己不用去参加9月24日的那一场可以说是决定命运的考试，如果那一天还要坐到考场里，我估计自己也会吓得考不出什么了吧！

这里非常隆重地感谢localau的TZ们，自8月23日第一次发求助帖，好多热心的网友加入进来，大家提出各种意见建议，而且是非常详细中肯的，我和LP几乎每天都要打开帖子研究大家的回复意见。一些网友像3WU、Vzrain、Kuthlaav、YUEXMA等等还逐字、逐段地分析说明，用LP的话说“比我的VIP写作老师还上心”。还有一位叫jho的网友主动发来短信让我们加QQ，并和我们分享他的作文考试经验，真的让人非常感动。不管怎么说，这次能过，我觉得有幸运的成份，也有我自己的一点努力，不过让我感触最深的还是来自家人的支持以及陌生人的热诚。再次衷心地谢谢大家！

some teachers say students should be organised into groups to study. others argue students should be made to study alone. tell the benefits of each study method.which one do you think is more effective?

children's education is a hot topic always concerned by our society.People try to find out an effective way for students to study.Amongst the teachers ,views vary from people to peple,some of whom claim that students should study with groups;whist others believe that studying alone is more effective. In my observation, studying in a group is more effective.

Merits of studying with groups are numerous; i now intend to present some. to begin with ,students study in a group have more chance to communicate with others,which makes their academic studies more effective.For instance,if school children have problems about their courses; they can discuss the question with their classmates. in this process,it is very easy for them to remember the knowledge. what is more, studying groups save their time to look for the reference books. If they have questions,they just enquiry with their schoolmates. Finally, groups study makes the studying atmosphere more lively,because they have discussion.Then, schoolchildren will not feel that studying is very boring.

It is undeniable that studying alone has its benefits.this is mainly due to the fact that students can concertrated on their tasks.They cannot be disturbed by others for there is no discussion around them and students cannot be distracted by their classmates behaviors. Additionally, students can perform on their own ways, if they study alone.For example,they can read loudly if they want to ease their minds. BUT they can not do this when studying with groups as they need to considerate others feeling.

in conclusion, even study alone has its advantages, i still believe that group study is an effective way for children to learn.

[]

pbip7131 · 发表于 2011-9-15 04:26:10

逻辑不是很清楚。比如，倒数第二段说了一些study alone的一些好处，然后最后一段直接就说尽管study alone有一些好处，我仍然认为in group更好，太空太模式化，说服力完全么有。

refa3551 · 发表于 2011-9-15 14:39:54

我觉得很不错啊，雅思作文就是八股文，楼主这篇可以有6.5以上，建议结尾段再充实一点。

dvkxm · 发表于 2011-9-16 00:54:08

就看了第一眼第一句

句子首字母都不大写
会有可能高分？

98gyhuvzg9 · 发表于 2011-9-16 09:57:36

more and more people are not eating with families now.is there the similar situation
in your country? is there any positive effects?

it exists a common phenomenon that increasing number of people are not having meals with families nowadays.My country is no exception.In my opinion, this trend has some positive effects on individuals and society.

In my country ,there are great number of adults do not have eat with their family memebers. First and foremost, many people study or work far away from their homes .It is unrealistic for them to travel home have meals with their family members. Another factor should be taken into account is catering development. Nowadays, there are numerous restaurants around our community and the price of the menu is quite cheap. As a result, many people are attracted to have meals outside with their colleagues or friends. Last but not least ,competition is increasingly stiff result in individuals have to work hard.In other words , they may work overtime to finish the job.So they do not have time to eat with families.

however, individuals and society can benefits from this phenomenon. Primarily,those people working hard are far more likely to be promoted.As they do more task in their jobs , they will learn more. what is more, they also make more money on their position because they spend more time on the job. In addition, the more people have meals outside will boost the economy in hospitality industry. Then more people are engaged to work in this sector; therefore, it can effectively reduce the unemployment rate.

From above analysis, we can see that people are not eating with their family members is quite commen in international community.But it still have certain benefits on individuals and society.

[]

放肆的年华 · 发表于 2011-9-16 19:32:14

我认为LZ当务之急是需要提高语法的准确性。单单靠在论坛上批改几篇作文可能收效不会很大。贴出来的文章里稍微复杂一点的句子，语法错误率就很高。6分作文肯定允许有一些错误，但是考官对临场发挥的人为错误和知识性错误判分是不一样的，而LZ的作文中大多数错误都是属于后者，所以被考官评分肯定不会有利。另外，不知道LZ掐表写完之后，自己是否检查过。如果这是经过自己检查，已经排除人为错误后的成品的话，恕我直言，要在考场上拿6分不是很容易。
建议找找论坛上同学是否有作文批改或者语法教学的好资源，进行比较系统的提高。

RermReicymn · 发表于 2011-9-16 20:36:32

作文考察点很多的，主要靠基本功。从形式上的遣词造句，到根本的逻辑关系，不可一蹴而就。

鉴于你快考试了，遣词造句就不谈了，没有那个时间去脱胎换骨。

建议1.)杜绝基本语法错误； 2.)把八股文的架子搭好；3.)逻辑理顺。

从上面两个习作中看，基本语法错误应该避免。八股文架子还行。逻辑：第一篇很不顺，很牵强。第二篇还可以，但是观点过于稚嫩。没事自己用中文想想就能体会到了，那样的发现和结论是什么年龄段的人得出的。

onksn3s6o6 · 发表于 2011-9-16 22:27:52

LZ 第二篇语法是有点问题..... 第一句就让人晕了。

套话是比较多，有骗字数的嫌疑，哈哈。第一段可以改成：

It is a common phenomenon nowadays that there are increasing number of people who seldom have meals with their families. China unfortunately is no exception. This trend, however, is believed to have some positive effects on individuals and the society as well.

星期三hg · 发表于 2011-9-17 03:28:37

Dear Louzhu

句首没大写哦~~~这个是要扣分的，送给考官不合算啊~~

jcpcftpp29 · 发表于 2011-9-17 12:12:23

仔细看了一下第二段，好像语法是个大问题哦，LZ 找本书重新看一下怎么写从句吧

[雅思杂谈] 本人剩最后一次机会考雅思了，求各位高手帮忙改一下作文(过了,谢谢大家)

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