写作一直达不到6分怎么办(过了,谢谢大家)

且行行 · 发表于 2011-9-1 18:53:33

第二段不是不切题，而是结构松散。没有呈上启下的效果。在你原意的基础稍微，稍稍挪动了一下：

原文：Admittedly, air travel produces air and noise pollution on the world. Petrol is main source to airplane and burning of petrol emits a great deal of carbon dioxide which greatly contributes to global warming. Also airplanes make great noise to local community. That is the reason why airports are built faraway from the residential area.

挪动版（不考虑语法，词汇的使用）
Admittedly, air travel produces serious pollutions that affect the health of public. Pollutions such as poor air quality and high disruptive noise can be generated due to the usage of airplanes(解释首句，拓展观点). Petrol is one of the main fuels of airplane. However, burning this (简单而实用的连接词) kind of fossil fules could increas the emission of carbon dioxide and therefore greatly affect the global warming. On the other hand (段内转折), air vehicles can result in (与 produce 同义) excessive (great 的同义) noise up to XX dB. It has been reported that (瞎编) explosing to noise level of CCdB for longer than 1hour per day could lead to (与 result in 同义) many diseases,such as TATATATA. Therefore, in general, air travel is a harmful form of traveling.

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秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-1 22:18:22

some children seem to not have the natural ability to study language so schools should not force childen to learn foreign language. do you agree or disagree?

I do not agree that school should not force school children to study foreign language if they do not have language abilities

our educational system bases on that everyone can be taught to be a talent in every aspect. That is why students are required to study a range of courses, even they do not have a talent in a particular course. when it comes to studying foreign language ,the purpose of it is not help children to develop their talent . Instead , it helps young children to better understand this world and master a wy of communication with foreign visitors,thereby helping  them to get a favorable position ,when they grow up.this is particularly essential for young students living in modern society.

In addition, schools' practice shall not be equally with forcing students to learn any subject. After all,all the subjects are set by professers and experts through a lot of research.The courses have been tested that can efficiently cultivate students' comprehensive  abilities rather than to satisfy individuals ' interest. It is quite impossible for experts to set any course according to each students favor or perferrence since neither children nor parents have got the clear idea of what should be learned.

In conclusion,  children should obey the school arrangement to study foreign language ,even they do not have language ability.

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峰梅梅 · 发表于 2011-9-2 07:17:44

我觉得有几个问题，你可能需要注意：
1. 单词使用不平衡。有些单词过大且不合适，如前面的几位高人所说；但是另一方面，过于口语化的单词又经常出现，如quite，have got等。事实上，对于6分的作文，基本难度的单词已经可以足够应付，对于自己不是很把握的大词，倒不如用一些常用的词，但切忌使用口语用词。大词和口语用词共同出现在文章中，只会让人觉得你对英语词汇的驾驭能力非常弱；
2.英语文章讲究层次和逻辑性。例如，要用两个观点证明一件事好，那么必须明确表明出是哪两个观点；第二，怎么好，而不是拼命的说很好、有优点，而是到底好在哪。说到逻辑性，你这篇文章逻辑有很大问题，第一个论点里，你前面说的“学校教育的根基”与后面的“外语学习的目的”没有什么内在和必然的联系；同样的问题也出现在第二个论点里。
3.句子的思维方式过于中文化。好多句子明显是生硬的翻译了你头脑中出现的中文句子。“shall not be equally(?) with”大概就是来自于“···不等于···”这样的中文句型，不建议使用。另外注意一些基本语法，不需要过多使用你不确定的复杂句（如果你的要求只是6分，建议使用相对简单的句子结合一些非常有效的连词和副词）。
仅供参考！

秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-2 07:59:59

感谢楼上的点评,但是对于教育的根基这一部分我是用他来说明即使没有天分，小孩也可以学到东西

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秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-2 09:03:43

不过我有些论证的确没有展开,就是不知道怎么说清楚这个道理..

秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-2 20:48:21

感谢大家，包括之前3WU很多次的点评，没能一一道谢。。九月底要把雅思考出来，，情况很危急。。我会继续贴，，希望大家帮忙，，只要指出问题即可。。

秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-3 02:15:10

You plan to study in English-speaking country, you have a friend in this country, write to your friends to ask for help.
1) Your Study Plan;
2) Explain why you look for part time job.
3) Make some suggestions to find the job.

Dear Jack：
How is everything going in Australia？We don’t keep in touch for long time. I am writing this letter to ask for your help, as I am going to study a master degree in Australia..

I have applied 2 year maser IT degree in UTS. As my IELTS score below academic requirement, I have to take language course in Holmes. It takes about 3 months. I want to choose the course in daytime and finish in 2 years, because my parents have limited finance to support my study. To make matter worse, my parents want to send my brother to Australia after a year. As a bigger brother, I want to ease my parents’ financial burden. Therefore, I need to take a part time job.

I heard that you are working in a restaurant. If it is possible, could you please introduce me to your boss? I do not mind work in kitchen or canteen. Or do you have any friends or colleagues working in other places and their employers are looking for staff. So you can introduce me to them; or you can post my resume to the job seeking website.

Thank you in advance.

Best regards

秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-3 10:44:00

Nowadays many parents buy a lot of toys to their children to play, what is the advantage and disadvantage of children playing with toys?

It exists a common phenomenon that nowadays parents buy a host of toys for their kids to play. I firmly believe that children play with toys have more advantage than disadvantage.

There is no denying that kids playing with toys have numerous benefits. To begin with, toys are children’s companions to kill their boring time. Nowadays, many families only have a child; as a result, children born in such families have no brothers and sisters and parents are too busy to spend time with their children. Therefore, it is toys that can kill their leisure time. Moreover, toys can help children to cultivate a sense of loving, which is very essential to their careers. This is mainly due to the fact that children have to look after their own toys. When they grow up, they may have loving hearts makes it possible to successful; as the old saying goes: good people have a good ending. Finally, children playing with a number of toys helps their intellectual development. It is quite important to their academic study. Well-known is the fact that children have vivid memory and more curiosity. And toys have various sorts of designs. Therefore, they can fulfill their imagination. This is very good to their academic development.

However, there are certain dangers for children playing with the number of toys. They may argue that spending time with toys occupy children’s valuable studying time, as a result, they have not enough time spending on their studies or other aspects, such as communicating with peers. But I think this problem only occasionally happen in some irresponsible families. Generally children benefit numerously from playing with toys.

In conclusion, regarding this issue, my view is that children benefit a lot from toys. Therefore, parents should be buy more toys for their children.

秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-3 12:22:21

9月3日考的一场，回来凭大概记忆写了一遍，大家帮我看下有希望到六分吗？

秦家的老虎 · 发表于 2011-9-3 18:39:39

或者指出文章的一些明显扣分点吧。。谢谢啦。。

[雅思杂谈] 写作一直达不到6分怎么办(过了,谢谢大家)

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