写作屡试不到6，求各位拍砖

花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-16 09:55:38

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22号马上四鸭了，写作却始终摸不着门道，从5.5到4.5又到5，貌似问题很严重却又不知道问题到底在哪里。悲剧啊~

付费在网上找了几家修改作文的都不给力，貌似也就能改改主谓一致性啥的，给的分数还都没低过6。就这样被他们一次又一次无情的欺骗了，坑爹啊~~

无奈只能麻烦各位帮忙看看，能耐着性子帮忙看完的就大砖可劲拍吧。在下先谢过了~~

先贴书信一封：

You have recently moved to a different house.

Write a letter to an English-speaking friend. In you letter

Explain why you have moved

Describe the new house

Invite your friend to come and visit

==============================================

Dear Sam,

How is everything going with you? It has been a long time since last time we met. I am sorry for have not writing you for so long, because I had been searching a new house in last few weeks.

I am happy to tell you that I have moved into a new house last week. As you know, my previous house was quite close to a factory which made terrible noise day and night. Moreover, there was a hole on the roof that the landlord refused to fix, which always leaks in rainy days. I was tired about that house indeed.

As I mentioned, I found another house ten days ago. This house was built five years ago. It is almost new. The surrounding environment is very quiet. I think I can have good sleeps here. The most important thing is that this house is just two kilometers away from my company. I don’t need to drive to work everyday anymore.

By the way, I am planning to hold a party in the new house this weekend. Will you be free then? You will be the first bunch of visitors if you would come. Please tell me whether you will be free then.

Give my love to your family.

Yours sincerely

Goldenrush

[]

花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-16 18:24:38

再是新鲜出炉的TASK2。拜托各位了~~

Today more people are travelling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of traveling for the traveler?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
=============================================
Nowadays, travelling is becoming a popular and universal activity for people in China. In my opinion, there are three main reasons cause this phenomenon.

The most important reason is the improvement of transportation. As the increasing of investment to the basic facilities, the conditions of roads and railways improved significantly, as well as airports. Meanwhile, the improvement of technology also optimized the traffic tools, such as cars, trains and airplanes. These two factors make our travellings more comfortable and more convenient.

Another important reason is that individual’s income has been increasing greatly, which make the travelling fee become cheaper relatively. For instances, an average worker needed to spend as much as three-month salary to afford a domestic vocation tens of years ago. However, they only need to pay one-month salary nowadays.

In addition, the more humanized laws also made great contribution to the increasing travellings. Workers now can get more paid holidays than ever before according to the law. As a consequence, people now have more time to spend on travellings.

The benefits of travelling for the traveler are obvious. For one thing, people can have vocations in many other places after busy working or study to relax their bodies and ease their minds. It is beneficial to both their physical and psychological health. For another thing, people can have more opportunities to meet with other people and get more friends and broaden their horizons, especially for young people.

In conclusion, the better transportation, increasing individual’s income and more humanized laws caused more people travelling. People can relax and make new friends during travellings.

[]

1w6d1772 · 发表于 2011-10-16 21:02:06

抛砖引玉

Dear Sam,
How is everything going? It has been a long time since the last time we met. I am really sorry for not writing to you for so long, because I have been searching for a new house in the last few weeks.

As you know, my previous house was quite close to a factory which made terrible noise day and night. Moreover, there was a hole on the roof that the landlord refused to fix, which leaked in rainy days. I am happy to tell you that finally I have found a perfect place to settle.

The house I am living in was built five years ago. It is nearly brand-new. The neighbourhoods are so nice here, and no noise to bother me. I think I can have good sleeps here. The greatest thing is that this house is just two kilometers away from my workplace. I do not have to drive a long way to work anymore.

By the way, I am planning to host (throw?) a party in the new house this weekend, and you are on the top of the guest list. I really want you to be here at that time. Please let me know if you can make it.

Yours sincerely
Goldenrush

恋恋木木水 · 发表于 2011-10-17 00:40:35

抛砖引玉V2

Dear Sam,

How is everything going? It has been a long time since the last time we met. I am so sorry for not writing to you for so long.

Lately I am a little busy of finding a new place to live. As you know, the place I used to live was too noisy because it was not far from a car factory. Also the landlord was not so nice and refused to fix the roof of the house. I was really tired of arguing with him on such problems.

I am really glad to tell you that I have found a perfect house last week and I have just moved in. It is bigger, it is quieter, and after all, it is only 2 kilometers from my workplace. I do not have to driver a long way to work anymore.

On this weekend, I am hosting a house-warming party and you are on the top of my guest list. Please let me know if you can make it.

Yours sincerely
xxxx

geydv9254l · 发表于 2011-10-17 08:15:35

帮忙改个task2

Nowadays, travelling is becoming a popular and universal activity for people in China. In my opinion, there are three main reasons cause this phenomenon.
Nowadays用的太多了，换
is becoming 为什么要用进行时呢， travelling is increasingly popular worldwide, especially in China.
后面这句略显呆板。

The most important reason is the improvement of transportation. As the increasing of investment to（investment 后面要加in）the basic facilities（用infrastructure更好), the conditions of roads and railways improved（过去式不妥） significantly, as well as （前面说的是condition，这里不能直接上airports，要 that of airports，that指代condition）airports. Meanwhile, the improvement of technology also optimized（又是过去式，不妥，粗看还以为是被动忘了加be动词） the traffic tools（traffic tools是啥？用vehicles）, such as cars, trains and airplanes. These two factors make our travellings more comfortable and more convenient.

Another important reason is that individual’s income has been increasing greatly, which make（makes） the travelling fee（expense） become（前面已经用动词了，这里去掉become） cheaper relatively（这句话改了这么多语法错误还是很奇怪。。）. For instances（单数）, an average worker needed to spend （缺个objective） as much as three-month salary to afford a domestic vocation tens of years ago（ten years ago 就可以了啊）. However（In contrast）, they only need to pay one-month salary nowadays.

In addition, the more humanized laws also made（为什么又是past tense。。。） great contribution to the increasing travellings. Workers now can get more paid holidays than ever before according to the law. As a consequence, people now have more time to spend on travellings. （more用的太重复了）

The benefits of travelling for the traveler（plurals） are obvious. For one thing, people can have vocations in many other places after busy working or study to relax their bodies and ease their minds. It is beneficial to both their physical and psychological health. For another thing, people can have more opportunities to meet with other people and（多了个and，改comma） get more friends and broaden their horizons, especially for young people.（这段有部分是抄或者背的吧，一看就不像你写的。。放在这里考官会觉得奇怪）

In conclusion, the better transportation, increasing individual’s income and more humanized laws caused more people travelling（the better 没有对仗，要前后长度对应）. People can relax and make new friends during travellings.

总的感觉，除了倒数第二段之外，其他用词太普通，句子结构太简单。需要变化多样。
从文章内容来看，你的支持句基本上就是把中心句换个角度说了一把，没有深入，也没有论证。。。这里可能需要大大的提高。

何日二头 · 发表于 2011-10-17 16:46:44

就看了第一篇，大致改了一下，我觉得基本问题在于介词不地道，衔接稍显生硬但没啥大碍，我自己也好久没碰科班的东西了，不知道改的对不对，欢迎大家拍砖。

Dear Sam,
How is everything going with you? It has been a long time since we last met. I am sorry for not writing to you for such a long time, because I have been searching for a new house in the last few weeks.

Happily my effort was not in vain. I am happy to tell you that I have moved into a new house last week. As you already knew, my previous house was quite close to a factory which made terrible noise constantly. Moreover, there was a hole in the roof, which was always leaky in the rainy days, and the landlord refused to fix. I was tired about that house indeed.

As I mentioned, I found another house ten days ago. This house was built five years ago. It is almost new. The surrounding environment is very quiet. I think I can have good sleeps here. The most important thing is that this house is just two kilometers away from my company. I don’t need to drive to work everyday anymore.

By the way, I am planning to hold a party in the new house this weekend. Will you be free to join? You will be among the first bunch of visitors if you could come. Please tell me whether you are coming.

Yours,
Sam
2011-10-17

[]

Htkfxwgc · 发表于 2011-10-17 17:42:22

第二个task很难改啊

46gyhuhjh6 · 发表于 2011-10-18 02:20:14

LZ的水准MS不应该只有5左右徘徊啊。。。。。。

花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-18 09:30:40

叩谢各位热心的freeozer，你们太神勇了~！感觉很有收获！

回八神：你真是火眼金睛！
倒数第二段确实背的别人的。套用了for one thing... for another thing...句式，relax one's body and ease one's mind和broaden one's horizon背自小姨七天。小姨的写作结构貌似已成过街老鼠，所以现在只敢套用他推荐的词汇和句式。

经过各位砖头的洗礼，我大概知道了我的主要问题应该还是在基础时态（貌似议论文多半都用现在时？）、单复数、主谓一致（句子稍长一点点就找不着北了）、句式多样化上面，连词也还有希望突击一下，介词速成估计有难度。

深入论证的问题是不是要使用举例、对比、让步之类的论证方法？

狼与美女 · 发表于 2011-10-18 19:20:38

搂住太拘泥语法了，我觉得写作文和口语随性而为才有可能有所突破，当然在make sense的前提下

[雅思杂谈] 写作屡试不到6，求各位拍砖

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