写作屡试不到6，求各位拍砖

vzzm8329 · 发表于 2011-10-19 07:08:41

多练习小作文。

花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-19 08:22:08

新鲜出炉的TASK2，剽窃并斗胆篡改了一下BossWoo的【独门烤鸭菜谱】，烦请各位抽空继续拍，你们的砖头是我前进的动力

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your experience.
================================================
Children education is always a hot topic. Some people believe that children should be given enough time to relax while some others agree that children should be educated anytime, even when they play games. Personally, children should not be given too much games involved with education.

It is widely believe that children have excellent creativities and imaginations, which will be fastened by the monotonous education from adults. Ten children, for example, can have ten different imaginations to a simple pattern. It is no wonder that, however, the results from adults may be much fewer. The most important reason is that our minds are limited by the education we received.

It is also accepted that children have rights to do everything they like, rather than simply follow the orders from adults. There is no doubt that anyone has only one childhood to witness his or her happiness without any bother. Furthermore, the laws for protecting minors also say that it is illegal to force children to do anything they don’t willing.

Despite that educational games might teach children certain knowledge. Compared with the childhood-happiness they will not obtain anymore when they grow up, however, the knowledge they may learn from educational games is unworthy to mention. People can learn any knowledge anytime they like in the adult years.

In conclusion, children should have their own leisure time without too much educational factors. Not only will educational games fasten their minds, but also forcing children with certain activity is a kind of offense to their rights. They might, although, learn some knowledge in educational leisure activities, the happiness taken away from them will never return.

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花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-19 14:41:25

因为对语法没信心才刻意注意语法，结果越搞越乱
刚刚憋了半个小时，一封信楞是没憋出来，编故事的能力太差了
明天上班抽空写5封信找老板批好了

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花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-19 16:32:36

顶上去，不能被鸡血淹没啦～～

epjgcwxjp · 发表于 2011-10-20 02:45:32

看了一下12#

不认真审题是致命伤.
段落结构不严密是要害.
例证空范导致没有说服力.
语法问题,比较严重,尤其介词的使用.

花开一世香 · 发表于 2011-10-20 06:23:57

3WU老师可否抽空帮忙详细批改一下？不然我还是抓瞎。惭愧惭愧
特别是段落结构问题，实在不明白该怎么写。

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jaec3576 · 发表于 2011-10-20 17:27:22

我从来没有考过雅思，下个月会参加人生的第一次考试，之前看了一些书，写到了一些东西，拿出来献丑了。

个人理解，雅思写作程序如下：
首先，审题。花费时间1-2分钟。一定要审题清楚啊。
Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your experience.
================================================

题目要求写啥？children's leisure activities是focus，所有的东西都应该围绕这个主题。
题目要你回答啥，你agree否。agree啥？是因为educational的activities还是可以是非educational的activities。
题目要你站在谁的角度上面去写？children！

明白了这几个东西，花上2分钟还是值得的。
下面开始构思文章。花3分钟左右想清楚，你agree否？你站在谁的一边。这个决定了你支持谁，反对谁。然后，你打算有啥东西来支持，你有几个ideas？想明白了。

都想明白了，开始构思框架，从introduction到main body到conclusion，三部分分别写啥内容，逻辑顺序是啥？先支持还是先反对。

上面所有的东西会占用你5分钟的时间，当然你越熟练就越快，然后开始下笔了。
为了把思路讲清楚，写文章这段我下一楼来写。

写完了文章然后干啥？检查！检查啥？看看字数够不够啊，有啥需要修改的啦，时态正确否，拼写正确否，单数还是复数等等等等。

好，下一楼开始写如何写这篇文章。

天天加1 · 发表于 2011-10-21 01:01:55

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your experience.
================================================

动笔！为了强调，我在文中进行进一步的说明。
文章的focus是啥？children's leisure activities。
让你回答啥？应该educational还是其他的非educational。
站在谁的角度？children，而不是家长或者老师或者社会或者其他路人甲乙丙丁。

正式动笔，首先写introduction。introduction作用是啥？让你的reader知道你要写啥。所以建议包含以下内容，背景+点题+观点，或者点题+观点，或者直接一边说题目一边说出观点。我来一个初级的，第一套路。开始写咯。真的要写咯。

How a child spend his spare time have great influence to his life afterward.(这句是背景) Educational activities indeed can be beneficial to him in terms of schooling, other ways of spending his free time can be essential as well.(点题了，也算表明了立场，准备开始写主体了)

Sports, the most significant form of pastime, can shape a child's strong build as well as healthy mind. (第一个观点提出)Those who spend regular time doing sports will inevitably enjoy better health conditions, which is crucial not only for children in school but for all people as well. Without a robust body, none of the children could be able to concentrate on their study. (论述sports对于身体的帮助)In addition, by doing sports with other peers, children will have better oppotunities to learn cooperation and competition, both of which are indispensable in their education as well as in their careers.(论述对于心灵的帮助)

Social affairs of all kinds, which teach children skills of handling interpersonal relationship, are also of great importance to them throughout their lives.(提出第二个观点，也就是第二个对于children有帮助的非educational的activities) Though dealing with relation with people does nothing contributive to our education purpose, yet those who know little about how to improve personal relation will definitely can hard times when they step into the ever-changing society. By comparison, those who is active and sophisticated in public affairs do have incredibly greater chances to succeed in their careers or study, thanks to their investment of their leisure time in gaining experience of dealing with people.(一正一反陈述两个examples，人际关系处理的好坏对于children今后生活的影响)

To sum up, dispite the facts that educational activities do futther develop children's knowledge in terms of study, reasonable expense of their leisure time in other activities is not wasting time but positive development of their lives. I believe that children who have better performance in any field will be no worse than a successful scholar by any means.(结尾，用summary的手法，表达观点，重申立场，展望未来)

文章写完了，没有检查。当然，如果你有时间，可以多写一段，来说educational的好但是有局限性的一面。
我检查了一下，字数也就是280到290左右，所以达到250的要求肯定是没有问题了。
自我感觉，task respone方面，做到准确的审题和答题，支持论点的时候用2到3句来展开，中间除了自己的opinions之外一定要有文章要求的examples，要举例。
coherence和cohesion方面，逻辑把握好，分好段落，用好连接词等等。
lexical resource方面，不要一个词多次重复，要学会用多种语言或者形式来表达同一个东西或者观点。
grammar方面么，多用句型，注意细节。我这篇文章有很大的问题，就是短句用的比较少，所以也需要进一步改进。
拼写方面么，就看平时的积累和细心了。

1513427487 · 发表于 2011-10-21 09:22:07

1. 第一篇，书信，感觉不地道，很生硬的中国人的英语；

2. 第二篇，明显就是抄袭或背诵的套路样本文章，没有自己的内容！

你想想，那些阅读作文的批改老师，可以肯定说绝大多数就是被英国大使馆文化教育考试处“廉价常年聘请”的中国高校英语老师。

你参加完一次雅思就够了，写2篇文章就够了。但他们这些阅卷老师，可是要成年累月的关在阅卷室，每月几乎是雷打不动2次雅思考试，一次接一次的几乎每次的雅思考试作文题，海量试卷，都该他们去批改！

一波尚未平息，一波又来了。
换了我，头都看昏了，烦都烦死了！
什么鸟没见过？什么文章没读过？什么烂字没见过？什么烂语法，什么烂拼写没接触过。

就像妓女一样，阅人无数，你以为你大JJ，她说比你大的JJ见多了！
说句粗话，别见怪，话粗理不粗！

你的文笔文风要改，这样写，是很难得高分的，一看都是新东方，新航道，环球雅思等等雅思培训机构培训，一个模子熏出来的文章。

反对抄袭！反对有备而来！反对套路！发对三段论！

强调一点：审题要严格，不能写走题跑题了。你得4.5分的作文，99%可能是写跑题了。

buy49wsh · 发表于 2011-10-21 14:20:10

反对抄袭！反对有备而来！反对套路！发对三段论！
1. 第一篇，书信，感觉不地道，很生硬的中国人的英语；

2. 第二篇，明显就是抄袭或背诵的套路样本文章，没有自己的内容！

你想想，那些阅读作文的批改老师，可以肯定说绝大多数就是被英国大使馆文化教育考试处“廉价常年聘请”的中国高校英语老师。
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严重反对你的观点

[雅思杂谈] 写作屡试不到6，求各位拍砖

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