大家看看，作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？

u7lhyuul7t · 发表于 2011-10-26 15:36:48

确实这么写更好些，我比较容易陷入写复杂句的怪圈中去，你这么改cohesion会加分，谢谢。

58gyhulgx8 · 发表于 2011-10-27 00:05:49

说来惭愧，搞了这么久，一直没有弄明白啥叫cohesion，就知道coherence是连贯，cohesion字面意思是凝聚，到底在写作方面有啥特殊意义呢？
求指点。

kimeking · 发表于 2011-10-27 01:25:23

同样一头雾水，我的理解就是国外语言中的抑扬顿挫，读起来顺。不负责任瞎扯的。

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-27 05:41:34

重新改了一下开头

The multicultural society comprises different ethnic groups with diverse cultural perspectives and backgrounds. Ethnic groups co-exist is the current status not only in western countries such as Canada, Australia and America, but also in the eastern side of the world, like India and China.

34lgk2evm4e · 发表于 2011-10-27 16:23:00

我只能这样理解你的开头，介绍背景信息。但是文章开头，提供了背景信息再点题就可以了。要举例是好习惯，但是你举例提出了很多国家，跟文章没有任何关系。
记得一点，你的focus是multiculture的 advantages and disadvantages，其他无关的东西能不写就不写，因为不仅不能说明任何问题，反而有跑题的嫌疑。

focus：multiculture的pros和cons
对比：multiculture和single culture，这样才能突出multi的好和不好
角度：本文无角度，可以从society，people,government任何角度来讨论问题。

你的问题还不是语法和词汇，先想清楚你要写啥，否则跑题了就没救了。

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-27 18:00:46

我的出发点是multi culture 是广泛存在的，所以从侧面证明它是好的。
有人给我提过comments, 说的话要直接，举的例子也要直接和观点相关，不能绕弯子

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-27 18:58:16

我想了想，确实不太好，改成这样了，如何？

The multi-cultural society comprises different ethnic groups with diverse cultural perspectives and backgrounds. Some people argue that Multi-culture has a fundamentally beneficial influence on our lives, while many others contend that it has a detrimental effect.

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-28 00:19:21

改成这样后，我觉得开头和结尾都是套话，没有什么有用的信息了，不知道理解得对不对

coqdflv034 · 发表于 2011-10-28 11:40:35

写了篇小作文

You rented a car from car Rental Company. The air conditioner has stopped working. You phoned the company a week ago but it has still not been repaired.
Write a letter to the company. In your letter
- introduce yourself
- explain the situation
- say what action you would like to company to take.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to complain about the air conditioner of my car, which I took on rent from your company on October, 10, 2011.

I rented one Ford car from your company located in the airport. And one of staff members suggested me to pickup this car since it was almost brand new and should work well.

Unfortunately, after just one day, the air conditioner did not perform well since it could not provide cool wind. It was terrible for us in current hot summer days without cooling system in the car. When I observed it, I contacted the customer center immediately and they promised me they would send one technician to get it repaired within 2 working days. Almost one week has passed since I called, but still it is not being repaired.

To resolve the problem, I suggest you exchange this for another car before the day after tomorrow. Enclosed are copies of my records including receipts and the transaction number. If you need to contact me, you can reach me at 013611320435

Best Regards

Cindy

279j8jq3 · 发表于 2011-10-28 13:45:57

Write a letter to the company. In your letter
- introduce yourself
- explain the situation
- say what action you would like to company to take.

自己计算下分配给这三个task的字数分别是多少？
写信的主要目的是哪一部分？

[雅思杂谈] 大家看看，作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？

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[雅思杂谈] 大家看看， 作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？

个人中心

[雅思杂谈] 大家看看，作文能得几分，主要问题在什么地方？