还是求批作文

心乱如麻那 · 发表于 2011-11-13 15:40:52

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今天写了两篇，发一篇自己觉得好点的上来大家拍拍

第一次写这种outweigh的，不知道是不是这样安排结构。。。

We are surrounded by all kinds of advertising and this is increasingly influencing our life. Do the positive effects outweigh the negative effects?

Advertising, as the main way of marketing, is so frequently used by companies that advertisements can be found everywhere, for example, TVs, magazines and so on. Advertisements have significant impacts on people’s lives such as changing people’s shopping routine, taste of food or outfitting or even hobbies.

Normally these impacts are positive. Advertisements can give customers more information about the product which helps them make wiser choice. People are less likely to buy product that is not advertised because of lacking information. In spite of this, people can learn from advertisements actually. Today advertisements are no longer just a beautiful young lady asking you to buy the product. Instead they tell potential buyers what the right way of life is such as eating less grease and more fruits. All of this help people have better lives.

Advertisements do have negative effects. To attract people’s attention, factors like violence or sex are abused in advertising industry giving children information they should not know at their age. What’s worse, there are advertisements cheating customers. This, on the one hand, is detrimental to the benefit of customers and, on the other hand, detrimental to the faith of honest of the society as a whole.

However, these problems have been noticed by the government and legislation has been brought in to solve the problems. Therefore, generally speaking, the positive effects outweigh the negative effects.

Crapsesag · 发表于 2011-11-13 19:25:28

Advertising, as the main way of marketing, is so frequently used by companies that advertisements can be found everywhere, for example, TVs, magazines and so on. 我认为不要加by companies好一些，前面说了是市场开拓的手段，暗指就是商业性质的，有重复之嫌。Advertisements have significant impacts on people’s lives such as changing people’s shopping routine, taste of food or outfitting or even hobbies.其实hobby这东西，就像男人选择女人的口味，本来就是常常在变。even后面应该是更上一层楼更甚一些的感觉，说hobby感觉大鞋套小脚。

Normally these impacts are positive.
以前没见过normally被用过，小胖特地去百度搜索了一下，发现这个通常地后面接的都是跟动作有关的动词，会动的动作，be动词有点远了，还是用一些滥俗安全的好吧，个人建议
Advertisements can give customers more information about the product which helps them make wiser choice. People are less likely to buy product that is not advertised because of lacking information. In spite of this, people can learn from advertisements actually.
读了好几遍，怎么都觉得前后的意思很一致，in spite of this表达的转折关系不存在啊。
Today advertisements are no longer just a beautiful young lady asking you to buy the product. Instead they tell potential buyers what the right way of life is such as eating less grease and more fruits. All of this help people have better lives.结论很好，论据很勉强。严格说来，广告中的对比也是基于同类商品做出的。为什么广告呈这种趋势，因为人们需要这种商品，人们知道健康的意义极其重要。所以广告让这种认识更加广泛的传播了，这样即使没有特别贴切的例子，也不是泛泛之谈。举例子真的要小心，在例子里你不能直接说明想法，有时会跑题。

Advertisements do have negative effects. To attract people’s attention, factors like violence or sex are abused in advertising industry giving children information they should not know at their age.
刚查了，还有个说法叫做beyond their age

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nwe69yve · 发表于 2011-11-14 02:37:40

What’s worse, there are advertisements cheating customers. This, on the one hand, is detrimental to the benefit of customers and, on the other hand, detrimental to the faith of honest of the society as a whole.
同志，这里有个小小的道德标准尺度，在成年人的世界里，欺骗不是太大的问题。但是成年人伤害小孩是绝对不能被原谅的，你把不是很worse的写在了worse的后面。

However, these problems have been noticed by the government and legislation has been brought in to solve the problems. Therefore, generally speaking, the positive effects outweigh the negative effects.
广告的利与弊不能单凭政府和法律控制，商业行为在资本主义社会的自由度极高。所以你的所以前面说了一句不谙世情的废话，如果是我，我会说在这个一切都信息化的世界里，如果广告真的不存在，世界经济就更要玩完，还有其他各种可怕结果，绝对推相对，存在才是硬道理。

最后说，不客气我是真的懒得自己写作文，太费脑子，所以欣赏各位大侠的作文对我是很方便的事，点评一下举手之劳，对错不保证哈。

左右莫逢源 · 发表于 2011-11-14 05:28:26

比我写得好，真的，不是安慰

许仙与白素贞 · 发表于 2011-11-14 13:51:25

Advertising, as the main way of marketing, is so frequently used by companies that advertisements can be found [almost, how do you know that people can find them everywhere?] everywhere, for example, TVs, magazines and so on. Advertisements have significant impacts on people’s lives such as changing people’s shopping routine, taste of food or outfitting or even hobbies. I tend to agree that xxx outweigh yyy.

Normally these impacts are positive-> On the one hand, there are many positive impacts that advertisements have on .... Firstly,Advertisements can give customers more information about the product which helps them make wiser choice. People are less likely to buy product that is not advertised because of lacking information. In spite of this, people can learn from advertisements actually. Today advertisements are no longer just a beautiful young lady asking you to buy the product. Instead they tell potential buyers what the right way of life is such as eating less grease and more fruits. All of this help people have better lives.

Advertisements do have negative effects. --> On the other hand, a few negative effects of advertisements can be found on .... Firstly, To attract people’s attention, factors like violence or sex are abused in advertising industry giving children information they should not know at their age. What’s worse, there are advertisements cheating customers. This, on the one hand, is detrimental to the benefit of customers and, on the other hand, detrimental to the faith of honest of the society as a whole.

However, these problems have been noticed by the government and legislation has been brought in to solve the problems. Therefore, generally speaking, the positive effects outweigh the negative effects.

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心乱如麻那 · 发表于 2011-11-14 23:39:12

哎呀，小胖TX你真的是热心啊，我刚想给你加分，结果发现今天分都放到幸福妈妈那边去了
明天一定补上
我本来以为我用词已经很严谨了，没想到山外有山啊，我一般是每个词都要查一下确认了用法才用的，就那个in spite of，懒了一下，就被你抓出来了，看来还是懒不得呀

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心乱如麻那 · 发表于 2011-11-15 05:38:20

yrqin也来了呀
昨天认真的读了你的帖子后，又犯了绝对化的错误，实在是该打啊。。。
不过关于你后面改的那两个我还是有点疑问。其实我一开始是准备那样写的，不过想到评分标准里面关于cohesion的要求是要it attracts no attention。所以就改成了现在这个样子。你是怎么看这个问题的呢？

88后吴大维 · 发表于 2011-11-15 14:32:30

你说的那个‘cohesion的要求是要it attracts no attention’ 我不是太了解。

你这个类似的题目我在语言班上，老师曾经讲过。我给你作的修改基本上也是我老师的建议。虽然没啥亮点，但是也没有啥错。如果论据展开得贴切，开头结尾也马马虎虎的话，6.5到7还是没问题的。

但是你在1#的写法却是差不少的。

心乱如麻那 · 发表于 2011-11-15 17:21:34

感觉小胖TX的逻辑非常的严密啊，所以我决定把你评的作文都收藏起来，放心，我不会自行出版的，出版了也会请你吃饭的

[雅思杂谈] 还是求批作文

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