11/17日考试，请大家点评作文，每天进步一点点

89gyhuemu2 · 发表于 2011-11-10 03:58:00

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自我分析：

1）逻辑关系单一，就是原因从句，定语从句

2）举例子，不太会描述

3）时常有跑题倾向

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Motorized flight is the most important invention in the modern world. Not other inventions have such a significant impact on our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Air transport plays an increasingly pivotal role in the current world not only saving plenty of time in traveling but also bringing rich kinds of food from different places. It has extremely affected our lives. However, it is simply one of the most significant inventions as well as computers and automobiles.

Computers have offered tremendous changes to our lives. An increasing number of people rely on computers for recreation and entertainment, such as chatting in the internet, reading the latest local and national news, playing online video games with people across the world. With laptops and internet, people can complete assignments and send them out even if they are traveling to other countries. Moreover, the way of learning has been altered greatly by the introduction of computers. People can leave the traditional way of learning and get knowledge from online schools since students can set the learning pace according to their own speed. Therefore, it is no doubt that the invention of computer has brought fundamental influence in the modern society.

Also, people benefit a lot from the invention of automobiles as one of the most important advances in the 20th century. Families can drive the car to visit their friends and relatives who live far away; individuals can attend outdoor activities frequently. With the automobile transport, people who live in the north of China can eat fruits cultivated in the south of China. Supermarkets provide far more kinds of fresh vegetables and fruits. So the living standards are increasing for everyone.

In summary, it is true that air flight dramatically changes our lives including modes of transport and other aspects of our lives. But I can not imagine what our lives would be without other inventions which definitely have fundamental effect on our lives, too.

安沫槿 · 发表于 2011-11-10 08:45:35

我觉得楼主用词不错，有同义替换的意识
就此话题而言，我觉得让步段还是要的，肯定灰机的意义，而不是在开头段带过。
然后就是反例感觉说得太长了，点到并说明理由即可。
结尾段蛮好的，呵呵。

如果我写可能第二段让步写得较多，并写灰机的意义，第三段指出还有其他的发明比飞机伟大，篇幅较短，结论和楼主一样，呵呵

一家之言，共同学习！

返神還虛 · 发表于 2011-11-10 20:21:22

不是吧，怎么整篇文章都没有看见关于 Motorized flight 的讨论。
本人写作也不好，如果说错，LZ见谅。

89gyhuemu2 · 发表于 2011-11-10 21:57:19

我开始也很纠结，要不要写让步段，后来觉得是绝对地的反对，就在开头几句话带过了

yt75hujwvw · 发表于 2011-11-11 03:04:19

Air transport plays an increasingly pivotal role in the current world not only saving plenty of time in traveling but also bringing rich kinds of food from different places. 节省时间和带来各种美食放在一起，这俩的意义距离很大。节省时间的意义可以达到救人性命什么的，美食永远没这么重要。It has extremely affected our lives. However, it is simply one of the most significant inventions as well as computers and automobiles. 还是那个问题，extremely用得很肯定，后面又有了however，逻辑矛盾了。

Computers have offered tremendous changes to our lives. offer+change，提供改变的意思吗？不如规规矩矩的用法，有时咬文嚼字反而花哨。An increasing number of people rely on computers for recreation and entertainment, such as chatting in the internet, reading the latest local and national news, playing online video games with people across the world. 打击飞机可以，表扬计算机也可以，但是计算机真正带来的便利也是它在生活中实际的用处，不要太多讲娱乐，没有力量。With laptops and internet, people can complete assignments and send them out even if they are traveling to other countries. 这句话还是前面小后面大，前面那个可以用such as带出来，你懂的。Moreover, the way of learning has been altered greatly by the introduction of computers. People can leave the traditional way of learning and get knowledge from online schools since students can set the learning pace according to their own speed. Therefore, it is no doubt that the invention of computer has brought fundamental influence in the modern society.

Also, people benefit a lot from the invention of automobiles as one of the most important advances in the 20th century.这句话用完成时更好吧 Families can drive the car to visit their friends and relatives who live far away; individuals can attend outdoor activities frequently. With the automobile transport, people who live in the north of China can eat fruits cultivated in the south of China. Supermarkets provide far more kinds of fresh vegetables and fruits.
So the living standards are increasing for everyone.这句话我要单独强调的说，首先，第一个the就是错的，你后面说的是everyone，这是个泛泛标准，绝不能the，其次，standard只能raise，不能increase。英语里大部分都是现成的固定搭配，但是中国人往往不去用，而是自己创造。语法上可能没错，但是就像穿帽子戴袜子一样，有些话一说，立刻让人家拿你当老外。
In summary, it is true that air flight dramatically changes our lives including modes of transport and other aspects of our lives. But I can not imagine what our lives would be without other inventions which definitely have fundamental effect on our lives, too.

89gyhuemu2 · 发表于 2011-11-11 10:48:41

说的有道理，举例没有力量，一会重新改写下

kfeqg636 · 发表于 2011-11-11 14:56:01

楼主似乎有点偏题。另外如果在国内考，用词也可以考究点。。。用点uncommon的词。
另外我觉得版主可以给5L加分，这么好心的银不多见了。。

89gyhuemu2 · 发表于 2011-11-11 23:51:30

我太土了，一直不知道怎么弄呀。刚才一看，原来如此简单的操作.

89gyhuemu2 · 发表于 2011-11-12 11:40:01

改了下，但觉得例子还是不够有力。晚上再改吧

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It is obvious that air flight is a major advance in the 20th century. People believe that it is the suitable way of transport in long distance. The question is whether airplane is the most significant invention in the modern society.

Some people believe that motorized flight has extremely expanded the scope of humankind’s activities because it makes travelling between continents possible for everyone. In the past, it is the wealthy who can afford to travel from Asia to America in ships that take several months. By contrast, it is not a dream for the average people to schedule such kind of traveling. Moreover, flights have promoted the cultural communication between countries. For example, in Beijing, it is easy to buy books written by foreign renowned authors and purchase iPHONE 4s simultaneously.

However, there are other inventions that have tremendously influenced our lives such as internet and automobiles. With laptops and internet, the way of learning has been altered greatly by the introduction of computers. People can leave the traditional way of learning and get knowledge from online schools since students can set the learning pace according to their own speed at home. Besides, people benefit a lot from the invention of automobiles. Families can drive the car to visit their friends and relatives who live far away; individuals can attend outdoor activities frequently. With the automobile transport, people who live in the north of China can eat fruits cultivated in the south of China. Supermarkets provide far more kinds of fresh vegetables and fruits. So the living standards are increasing for everyone.

In summary, it is true that air flight dramatically changes our lives including modes of transport and other aspects of our lives. But I can not imagine what our lives would be without other inventions which definitely have fundamental effect on our lives, too.

89gyhuemu2 · 发表于 2011-11-12 17:36:47

Motorized flight is the most important invention in the modern world. Not other inventions have such a significant impact on our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

这个题的角度应该是 the modern world or our lives 在比较谁重要的时候？

[雅思杂谈] 11/17日考试，请大家点评作文，每天进步一点点

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