看了yrqin 的帖子，我也求批作文

振雄山庄 · 发表于 2011-12-6 01:31:58

小胖你是学文学的吗，怎么感觉文学功底相当深厚啊，呵呵

漫街漫友 · 发表于 2011-12-6 10:08:27

Currently, some press coverage that, 语病，谓语？it is quite difficult for college students to have a decent job. A debate arises, then. High school students should go to universities to have higher education or find job after graduation 这句话不能构成全文的论述的发起点，只是就事论事.

缺Topic Sentence Some people take Bill Gates as an example to illustrate that one person could achieve success without university diploma. They reckon that work experience is more important than educational background. Bill took the computers to every family and computer changed the world. No one could doubt his achievement.，与全文的讨论不相干，属于废话Besides, students could contact various persons.用词不准确contact，生硬，Chinglish College atmosphere is comparatively easy and comfortable, yet. The former is more beneficial for students. 句子之间的关系混乱，指代不清

In contrast, other people hold opposite opinions，看不出来opposite opinions是什么？因为上一段没有给出opinon；即使有，opposite是什么样的也很费解. College experience is a crucial part of one’s life. Not only did students obtain friendship and love, but also they establish life belief and value recognition in the university not only, but also似乎有语病？因为我几乎没用过倒装（我觉得华而不实不如不用），所以不敢肯定. Despite the fact that not all the students could attain their ideal jobs, most of them take the college life as a precious memory. 过于主观，没有说服力

It is not easy to judge which choice is better. Different students have their own opinion in terms of 这个短语用在这里不太合适，regarding更好 their financial status, exam records, interests etc. Furthermore, due to the large amount of population, students are persuaded to take different method to reach->realize their goals. Educational background and wealthy level are not key factors to judge a person’s success. 凑字数用的

In summary, both statements are reasonable. High school students should be encouraged to make their own decisions. Comprehensive factors should be considered and a great number of elements affect the final results，很生硬.

从立意来说，还是可以接受的。但是确实不怎么切题。我在另一楼会尝试解析一下题目的要求。小胖在审题方面有自己独到的见解，境界也比较高。当然能做到更好，如果做不到，那么好好把握一下审题的常用技巧，那么审题这一块应该还不至于成为你最大的毛病。

对于你的问题，主要还是词汇的不准确使用，一些低级语法错以及论证思路的问题。我建议你多看看雅思范文和其它写作书籍，研究一下论证的技巧。

[]

63gyhuraf2 · 发表于 2011-12-6 16:00:31

Some people suggest that high school graduate students should go to universities to have higher education, but others encourage students to find jobs to meet the needs of the society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

题目解析和讨论：我们先看task words：discuss both views & give your opinion。要求我们讨论两种观点，然后给出看法。这意味我们需要进行比较和对比这两种观点了，不然何来‘看法’？两派观点我在我的那个帖子里，module 2后面2.7 Different points of view有过介绍。建议你回头看看。那里说的是在一个段落里比较两个观点的。这里可以用上也可以不用，重要的是你在阐述两派观点的时候要做到客观，不能写自己的看法！！！这个细节我帖子里面有介绍的，你可以抽空看看。

如果在一个段落里比较两个观点了，那么应该还有另一段落是专门写自己的opinion的，最后一段总结。另一种写法是你先用一个段落讨论第一种观点并解释原因，再用一个段落阐述第二种观点并解释原因，然后用一段写自己的观点并解释原因（需要compare&contrast这两种观点了，具体看你选择什么样的opinion），最后一段总结。

至于limit words：‘Some people suggest that high school graduate students should go to universities to have higher education’ 以及 ‘others encourage students to find jobs to meet the needs of the society’ 其实是很好理解的了。注意给每种观点一些合理的解释就行了，然后根据上述的布局谋篇的方案进行阐述。

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?
小胖来看看这题，很诡异，背景里介绍了政府来运营medical service ，但是问题里只提到 private health care ，你说文章里要不要分析政府运营的好处呢~

题目解析和讨论：这里主要的task words：outweigh。那么自己先想好到底是A outweigh B呢还是B outweigh A呢？这个确定了以后，我们细看一下limit words。

limit words：disadvantages of private health care，advantages of private health care 以及 good health is a basic human need so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies。这里有个关键的地方private health care和profit-making companies有什么关系，是不是同一东西？如果根本没有任何关系，那么这道题目是有问题。因此这两个概念之间一定有密切的关系。大胆点，你把它们认为是等价的东西，可以相互替换的，然后进行讨论，应该也是没有问题的。这样看的话，是不是就很好讨论了？怎么论述，那还得看你的观点是什么，这就涉及到论证的技巧，小姨的10天作文里有很好的参考。这里不展开来说了。至于你担心的政府运营的好处是不是要写，这个其实不应该成为你审题的一个绊脚石。关键是看当你论述‘A outweigh B呢还是B outweigh A’的时候，你的论述能避开‘政府运营’这个概念吗？如果能完全避开，那么你不提政府运营的好处也没什么问题；但是如果政府运营和private health care是密切相关的东西，甚至是互补的东西，此时你的问题就不是问题了。

总之，雅思作文的题目审题其实只要稍加训练就好了。当然背景知识自己总得有一些吧。还好一般来说雅思作文的题目都是会考虑到不同国家地区，不同文化和教育背景的考生的，所以一般而言不会至于无话可说或题目都没法理解的地步。当然这个不是绝对的，有的人积累的确实太少了，那么就需要看看过去的题目了，然后根据自己的缺陷去改进背景知识，这方面小姨的10天作文的最后有很好的分类整理了。反正，我认为雅思作文肯定不会让你讨论诸如‘基督教和伊斯兰教的异同’ 或 ‘你更倾向同意那一个教义的’这样的话题的。雅思考试最终的目的是要测试你的英文写作水平，这点心里要十分清楚。

[]

冰鬼鬼丫头 · 发表于 2011-12-6 21:15:12

wow，好厉害，多谢指点。俺会努力的

冰鬼鬼丫头 · 发表于 2011-12-7 08:14:57

该提前恭祝新婚快乐。这样的日子竟然能抽空给我点评，太感动了

我会在审题方面多下功夫的，继续努力

莼鲈思 · 发表于 2011-12-7 12:52:02

还是yrqin给力
能帮忙点评一下我那篇拙作么

jiyxyzgnqw · 发表于 2011-12-7 16:58:50

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-14346040

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-14416799

推荐以上两篇文章，学到一成半成就足够了。

fivxdirk · 发表于 2011-12-8 04:31:33

Health, like [other elements such as,delete] education and freedom, is essential to people’s wellbeing.加上一句过渡：Generally, health care can be provided either by the government or by private companies. However,突兀了，没有做好准备就跳过来；加上前面红色那句就顺畅多了。, many private medical services are so expensive to afford by the poor people that some people argue that government should run the medical service in order to ensure that all people can access to it. This essay will analyse the advantages and disadvantages of private health service. 有点淡而无味了。这里该开门见山提出观点：This essay will argue that there are more advantages of private health services than disadvantages.

[缺主题句：On the one hand, there are some weaknesses of private medical services.] Obviously->Specifically,, the main weakness of private medical service is that it cannot cover the majority of people, especially the needy. As a basic right of human being, healthy->healthcare should [be] available for->to更好？ all citizens equally. Most of private medical centers, however, are giving->give priority to profits rather than fulfilling the obligation of making [people needing the medical care can access to them,这句话值得斟酌，改起来比较费事]. In other words->As a result更贴切, people getting->suffering from serious diseases would not cured->be able to receive proper treatment in time if they cannot afford the costs->cost of private health services. That is why->Therefore, many->some people insist that government should take the responsibility to ensure all the citizens, no matter rich or poor, can receive treatment if they have got->get ills->ill.

On the other hand, private health care is also beneficial to the society. For one thing, it can reduce the financial burden of the government. Admittedly, establishing a mature medical system for all people is a tough task for many governments owing to the limitation of budget. But private medical centers can fill this blank. For another thing, private medical service gives those people who are able to afford the addition costs an option besides the public medical center. Because most wealth people are tend to enjoy better service like private doctor or no-waiting hospital beds. All these services are only available by the private health center.

To sum up, although private medical service has its weakness, it still useful due to its special functions.

没时间了。。。。只改这么多吧。基本功还是不错的，努力改进改进，6.5和7以上应该没问题。

[]

hhfylwogsw · 发表于 2011-12-8 16:06:15

不日结婚——具体日期不便透露，谢谢朋友们祝福，先请假了，回来再聊吧。

95后小花花 · 发表于 2011-12-8 19:20:46

Some people take Bill Gates as an example to illustrate...
感觉这个不地道吧，illustrate一般形容用图表来描述，这里用argue或简单的用show会不会更好呢？

[雅思杂谈] 看了yrqin 的帖子，我也求批作文

个人中心