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板凳
发表于 2011-12-15 18:25:01
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来自： INNA
In modern society, with the rapid urbanization process, the pace of people's life has accelerated. As a consequence, some people do not have enough time to prepare their meals, they tend to buy food which is already(already is an adverb. You should use an adjective here. ) to eat, we call it convenience food or fast food. I believe this trend is, as whole, a positive development.
The primary advantage of convenience food is, of course, time-saving. As we know, in this competitive society, people have to work very hard, (I think a dot or a conjunction is needed here) they are too busy to cook for themselves, and instant food is a good choice for them, which enables them to put much(I think much should be deleted) more time on their work. Besides, some people are so tired of cooking, they want to get away from home to enjoy some delicious food and good services. Now a number of fast food restaurants such as KFC, Mcdonald’s and Pizza Hut not only offer a variety of delicate food, but also provide a pleasant circumstance(environment/ atmosphere) . Eating there is a kind of relaxation for people.
Some people are worried about that convenience food is bad for people’s health. The claim that some junk food are(is) full of fat, salt and hard to digest,(use dot or conjunction here) people who eat("Eating". You wrote "people lead to fatness". The subject doesn't match "lead to") too much this kind of food may lead to fatness. As a main cause of high blood pressure and many other severe diseases, obesity is blamed for hundreds of thousands of deaths each year. In fact, there is a large variety of convenience food available,(dot) if we do not like high fat food, we can also choose food with high protein, vitamins, and (those easily to be digested)easily digested, which are(is) both(delete "both" because the subject is singular) nutritious and convenient.
So my conclusion is that not only can fast food help people save their time, they also give us greater convenience and more options. We should make full use of the merits of fast food and minimize their demerits.
There is a global problem in your essay that too many commas. In most of the cases, you should use dots or conjunctions. But over all, I think you did well. In my opinion, this essay may get 6.5 or 7.
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