作文求批！！！！

to59ll21 · 发表于 2011-12-8 01:38:01

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3G预测的题目，准备考2月份的雅思。花了2小时才写玩啊（汗！！！），速度远远达不到要求啊。求各位批评指正。

4. Many people prefer to stay the type of work all their lives and others prefer to change the type of work.（312词）

What type of work do you prefer? This is a hot topic these days. Some people prefer to stay the type of work all their lives, while others prefer to change the type of work. Let’s see together what their reasons are.

People who prefer to stay the type of work all their lives think that a stable work can provide them with a stable life. They argue that today’s society is competitive one, in order to survive in this cutthroat society, people must have a stable work with a steady income. Otherwise, people might easily fall into poverty. They also point that a long-term job can promote their working efficiency and productivity, which will benefit both individuals and companies. What is more, it can improve employees’ loyalty to the company. It is reported that in Japan where companies are most of lifelong employees, so that employees do their endeavor in their work, which makes their companies more competent in the world.

However, those who prefer to change the type of work claim that they can benefit a lot from it. First of all, working in different companies with different types of work can greatly enrich their working experience and make them more capable in society. As we known, working experience is quite important in today’s job hunting, so this can help them find a better job. Secondly, some people do not like get stuck in a place for a lifelong time, and changing jobs enables them to live in any place they like. Thirdly, but not lastly, working with different types of job provides them good opportunities to meet people from a wide range of fields, which can improve their communicative ability.

In conclusion, both sides of the issue are well supported by sound reasons. What we should do is to choose job on the base of our preference and personal circumstance.

to59ll21 · 发表于 2011-12-8 11:40:14

6分有没有啊！！我的要求就是过6分。

to59ll21 · 发表于 2011-12-8 18:21:04

各位高手给点建议吧！

cbikv7688k · 发表于 2011-12-9 04:38:17

lz挺好的，加油。

2小时长了点。

prefer 可以换成别的，或换个句式。

第一段表明下自己的观点。

晟娴宝宝 · 发表于 2011-12-9 08:18:33

我看了第一段，
我觉得有两个问题：
第一句话有点跑题， job type 和要议论的不搭界呀。
剩下的话，你需要改写题目，相同的词太多了。首先你要做同义词转换，或有所总结提升也行

tmdkbg · 发表于 2011-12-9 13:26:18

大概看了看，意见如下，不过我也不是专业人士，供参考。　

It is reported that in Japan where companies are most of lifelong employees, so that employees do their endeavor in their work,
前半句有点怪。这样会不会比较好
It is reported that in Japan most people only work for one company throughout their career lives........

As we known, ==== As we know,

some people do not like get stuck in a place for a lifelong time= some people do not like getting.... or like to get .....

which can improve their communicative ability.我知道你想说提高他们的沟通能力，不过简单点， improve their communication 是不是更好。

其它的，我觉得和前面的TX说的，试着变换说法会更好。

总体还OK，我LG 能写出了就好了，加油

[]

雨天蔷薇开 · 发表于 2011-12-9 19:22:31

小胖建议啊，写这种成人话题的话，不妨从自身出发去写。主要是缺乏说服力——小胖一边是国企小蓝领一边是写手，充分领悟了两种完全不同性质的工作的不同。真正能增加经验的还是固定工种，工作换着玩的就是长长见识。楼主在第一部分的最后一句最有感觉，以日本为首的亚洲人偏好固定工，以美国为首的西方偏好非固定工。这个现象一直存在，说明这个话题没有定论。现实就没定论，哪怕两边都支持也没错，只要互相不矛盾就行。
总结一下，就是内容多多扩充，这个题目太容易了，思路把握得住了，接下来内容也得把握。

盗梦情人 · 发表于 2011-12-10 04:14:11

我们成天写东西的人特别不理解模板的存在和泛滥。那东西跟写作的要求很矛盾。写文章应该是想方设法的多加内容，250个字最好能说250件事——这是最终的追求。

我爱小娘子 · 发表于 2011-12-10 10:24:55

头一段 type of work用的太多，可以用近义词替换一下；后面看得出来LZ慢慢写顺了，没什么意外应该有6分

yawn5dGw · 发表于 2011-12-10 13:14:55

以我雅思写作6到7的经历，觉得有几个重点LZ要注意！

1. 能替换同义词的务必替换！你如果看看真题后面的批改就知道，重复用词绝对降分的

2.不要拿着题目使劲练，多练只会形成错误习惯，考试还是有技巧的，建议你多看多分析真题例文，另外就是某老外写的九分写作，那个我看了一天去考的，立刻升级到7！

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