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5#
发表于 2012-2-11 12:53:36
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来自： INNA
我慢慢写一点意见，慢慢编辑，您凑活着慢慢看，共同探讨，学英文是第一代移民的毕生功课：
Nowadays, with the rapid population growth and the process of modernization, an increasing amount of consumer goods are being produced and consumed. When you choose goods in supermarket with your family in a happy Saturday afternoon, would you believe that our natural environment is being disturbed because of the commodities you buy.
第一段，没有提论点，可以，在中国考场肯定是新颖的，但是否加分要看第一段总体质量如何。写得好，考官知道不写论点是因为你牛逼；写得不好，考官会觉得不写论点是因为你不行。
第一段的用词有待加强，俗词太多，比如 nowadays, rapid, 没办法，中国考生这么多，好的参考书就这么几本，难免师出同门，考官早就看吐了。有些词给人重复的感觉，比如consumer，consumed, 这些词根相同的词我觉得也是属于重复用词。
而且从内容看，翻译成中文的话，是很不错的，但是写成英文，就不是那个味儿了，而且 choose goods, being disturbed, 之类，太chinglish了。
我觉得第一段你主要想表达这么几点意思：1. 大量的产品被生产和消费，2. 当你在血拼的时候，其实你的消费间接导致了对环境的破坏。
可以这么重新组织一下，反问句被我和谐了，因为我的水平驾驭不住：
Mass manufacturing and distribution of consumer products are always praised as a remarkable progress of contemporary human civilization, and a pleasant afternoon shopping tour with the family would be by no means accused to be any type of misdemeanors. However, considering the excessive resources as well as the damage to the natural environment behind the items on your procurement list, we might need a second thought about how to re-structure this commodity society so as to protect the only planet so far we can live on.
What are the causes of this phenomenon? In my point of view, there are mainly three reasons. Firstly, as we know, the production of consumer goods needs to consume a great deal of raw materials such as metal, gas, foil, wood, water and so on, which puts a strain on the natural resources. Secondly, the manufacture process of some goods produces plenty of pollutants. As a result, the air is filled with smog coming from hundreds of factories, and we would never see fish cheerfully touring in rivers because of sewage discharge coming from chemical plants. Thirdly, inappropriately use of goods can also cause damage to the natural environment. For example, if we do not dispose the non-biodegradable packaging material of these goods in a proper way, they may cause long-lasting negative effects to the natural environment.
.第二段........反问句用的有点无谓了，联系我改写的第一段，可以这么改：In my point of view, there are mainly three aspects against which we could propose some counter-measures to make the change. 字面上是说可以从那些方面着手去进行改变，实际上也就是分析大生产导致资源浪费的原因。 这样第三段可以很自然的写一些solution的建议了。和你原先的内容框架可以融合。
在作文里写 as we know 做什么，口语考试倒是可以加分。
strain on natural resources, 是想表达 给自然界的压力或负担的意思吧？ 但strain 一般指人的精神负担。改成 which are all contributing to the depletion of natural resources 就准确了。
smog 是 smoke的拼写错误？ we would never see fish cheerfully ...... 这种拟人化的句子即使在中文议论文中也应该慎用吧。改成 waters are contaminated by toxic sewage from chemical plants, eliminating survival chances of any aquatic lives in it.
Since the increasing production of consumer goods has resulted in damage of the natural environment, measures should be taken to alleviate this situation. Government should make laws to regulate or punish manufacturers who produce pollutant. Manufactures themselves should abide by the laws and improve their production so as to produce lesser contaminant. At last, for the individuals, we should have realistic consumption concepts. We should buy consumer goods on the basis of real needs. Besides, we should dispose wastes properly.
第三段。。。。这么写似乎是提了4个建议，但是和上一段的内容没有紧密呼应。第三段也应该分三部分，分别对资源的消耗，污染的影响，以及产品垃圾的影响这三方面提出三个建议即可。这样文章的整体结构也漂亮了。基本思路如下：
1. manufacturers are responsible to reduce the consumption of natural resources by looking for better recipes or improving the working process........
2. the government should establish harsh laws to limit the enterprises's discharge of pollution, and make sure there are severe penalty for any breach......
3. as for the individuals, it should be encouraged to refuse extravagant buying and to dispose of the discarded products properly......
No one would like our planet be ruined in the near future. So it is time for us to make joint efforts to save our plant as well as ourselves.
结尾段太虚弱了，绝对失分的。 绝对不要忽视结尾段！这个要大改了。
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