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大中華 · 发表于 2012-3-28 16:47:13

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4 Some people think that family life and parents have the greatest influence on children's development, while others believe that external influence plays a more important role in children's lives. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Today, people pay more and more attention to children’s development. In terms of what is the most significant element that influences children’s development, opinions vary from person to person. Some people believe that family plays a pivotal role. While others argue that society is more important.

People who hold the statement that family life and parents have the greatest influence on children’s development based on the fact that children spend most of their time at home or with parents. On the one hand, it is general known that parents are the first teacher of their children since born, and who teach them with basic life skills and values. On the other hand, parents are the model of their children. It is reported that a large portion of children’s behaviors are imitation of parent. All of above show that family and parents are essential for building children’s character so that affect children’s development greatly.

However, the social influence on children, which comes from various aspects, should never be ignored. Taking the school for example, where are most of their peers. People with the same age tend to have similar experience and common language. So children are more likely to be influenced by their peers. In addition, the society is flooding with different kinds of media such as TV, radio and Internet, and children can hardly escape its influence. Some of them are full of violence and pornographic. Children who do have not strong-control may easily be lured away from study and develop bad habits and even turn to crime.

In conclusion, I think that parents should take the responsibility for children’s development. As I believe that parenting has a lifelong influence on children. Meanwhile, family and society should cooperate as much as possible to make sure children can grow healthily.

tmdkbg · 发表于 2012-3-28 23:03:45

我继续观摩下，语言不错。结尾有个小建议，可以比较那个更重要些 ..outweight ..。

另外，试着改点小地方，共同学习：
On the one hand, 这个好像不太适合这个地方的感情色彩 for one thing,
and who teach them with basic life skills and values. who修饰不到家长 and that they could teach..
where are most of their peers. -->where most of their peers are 不确定是否这样是对？
People with the same age tend to have similar experience and common language.--》students
with the same ages share similar experiences and common language.
media :medium,
Children who do have not strong-control: Children who lack self-control
even turn to crime:even turn to be crime

nzftf471 · 发表于 2012-3-29 09:39:14

我觉得idea可以了，长句子用的挺多的，很好。段落分得也清晰。
就是语法错误比较多。
Some people believe that family plays a pivotal role. While others argue that society is more important.
----->Some people believe that family plays a pivotal role, while others argue that society is more important.

On the one hand, it is general known that parents are the first teacher of their children since born, and who teach them with basic life skills and values. On the other hand, parents are the model of their children.
----->On the one hand, it is generally known that parents are the first teachers of their children since born who teach them the basic life skills and values.
on the one hand, on the other hand 可以改成 firstly secondly, 或者用moreover.

All of above show that family and parents are essential for building children’s character so that affect children’s development greatly.
---->All of above shows that family and parents are essential for building up children’s characters and affecting children’s development significantly.

Taking the school for example, where are most of their peers
---->Taking the school for example, childrens mix up with their peers.这个比较口语，没想好更正式的怎么说。

People with the same age tend to have similar experience and common language. So children are more likely to be influenced by their peers.
------》People with the same age tend to have similar experience and common language，so children are more likely to be influenced by their peers.

In addition, the society is flooding with different kinds of media such as TV, radio and Internet, and children can hardly escape its influence. Some of them are full of violence and pornographic. Children who do have not strong-control may easily be lured away from study and develop bad habits and even turn to crime.
----->In addition, the society is flooded with different kinds of media such as TV, radio and Internet, and children can hardly escape froom their influence. Some of them are full of violence and pornography. Children who do have not strong-control may easily be lured away from study and develop bad habits and even turn to crime.

In conclusion, I think that parents should take the responsibility for children’s development. As I believe that parenting has a lifelong influence on children. Meanwhile, family and society should cooperate as much as possible to make sure children can grow healthily.
----->In conclusion, I think that parents should take the responsibility for children’s development, as I believe that parenting has a lifelong influence on children. Meanwhile, family and society should cooperate as much as possible to make sure children can grow healthily.

rucim · 发表于 2012-3-29 17:27:19

media :medium, media是复数，是对的。
even turn to crime:even turn to be crime： even turn to crime是对的。

weiweidong0204 · 发表于 2012-3-30 01:19:18

学习了：）

错过就是错过了 · 发表于 2012-3-30 04:07:04

感觉有些用词造句挺好的，但是整体的连贯性不太好，有些地方不顺畅，有些连词前面的句号换成逗号或许更好

一家之言，毕竟我作文也没到7分

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