这个作文能到7吗？求批改

紧身衣 · 发表于 2012-4-19 10:29:18

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上次考的6.5，目标是7.多多批评指正啊。字数有点多 327了。

subject

Some people prefer to live in a house, while others feel that there are more advantages to living in an apartment.

Are there more advantages than disadvantages of living in a house compared with living in an apartment?

Some people believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks to live in a house than living in an apartment, while I tend to have the belief that there are both advantages and disadvantages in either way of living no matter it is a house or an apartment.

On the one hand, people who live in a house have the opportunity to enjoy much richer family lives than those in an apartment. A variety of outdoor activities, for example barbecues, can be held at home for house habitants, which is an impossible luxury for people living in an apartment. Since most houses have a distance with neighbours, this enables people to organize some special events or parties without disturbing neighbours. For example, one of my friends once invited me to a family concert at her house, and she didn’t need to worry that the noise would annoy neighbours because it was all corn field nearby her home. Moreover, most houses are equipped with gardens, thus providing a chance for the family to do some gardening work together which can contribute to build a good family atmosphere and connect the family members more closely.

However, there are also some good points about living in an apartment than in a house. Apartment is rather convenient due to the fact that its location is usually closer to downtown than house so that people don’t need to travel a long distance to go to work. Furthermore, apartment is comparatively easier to clean because it is often smaller and only the indoor part needs to be cleansed. Living in an apartment also gives people a sense of belonging and safety because there are usually safeguards at the gate and people live close to the neighbours, and this applies especially to single people or DINK families.

In conclusion, I believe that a house is more suitable for a bigger family especially family with children while an apartment is more appropriate to smaller household.

紧身衣 · 发表于 2012-4-19 14:20:05

自己回头看看也觉得有不少值得修改的地方。
另外：我写作文一般语言都没有太复杂的。我看simon的网站上也都是这样的，没用特别复杂词汇。受到了一定的影响。

Zaspash · 发表于 2012-4-19 17:42:42

楼主看下剑桥雅思7, G类阅读A的写作范文,就是写这个东西的, 给的范文是7分范文. 我刚写过这篇, 你可以去看看,对比一下

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紧身衣 · 发表于 2012-4-20 01:00:22

谢谢分享。
问题是我看7分的范文经常都觉得不好。比如这个，好多语法错误。不过到自己写就是另外一回事了。

黄丫丫 · 发表于 2012-4-20 12:35:28

楼主第一段，就有很多大问题啊。。。。

Some people believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks to live in a house than living in an apartment, 这句很奇怪，为什么会有两个than的结构呢，第二个than 是想表达 ‘比’的意思吗？

while I tend to have the belief that there are both advantages and disadvantages in either way of living no matter it is a house or an apartment. 这里紧接着前半句的believe又出现了同根词belief, 而且又一次出现了 there are 的句型，而且 either way of living 和 no matter XXXXX 有意义重复的嫌疑。

既然你喜欢simon的简约风格，就要舍得砍掉一些句子成分，可以考虑改成如下：

Some people claim that living in a house compared with in an apartment would bring up more benefits, while I tend to believe that either residence arrangement has its own pro's and con's.

不过这样走简约风的话，字数上好像太寒酸了。

真特别 · 发表于 2012-4-20 14:44:25

while I tend to have the belief that there are both advantages and disadvantages in either way of living no matter it is a house or an apartment.
这句话就感觉乖乖的，感觉是为了凑字数才写这么长。。。while I tend to ..

后面的，我感觉楼主写的全是长句，基本没有简单句？看上去感觉很累。。。

紧身衣 · 发表于 2012-4-20 15:20:52

嗯，这句确实啰嗦了。同意。
5楼的建议很好，改后好多了。

以后是长句子多，难道不是应该长句子多吗？我是故意的，其实。

红袖墨砚 · 发表于 2012-4-20 17:51:28

LZ英语真心不错，ielts-simon.com可以看看这个

若敷衍 · 发表于 2012-4-20 19:27:26

我感觉是长句子要有，但不要太多，因为长的看起来很累。而且让人看起来感觉没有重点
最好是长句短句夹杂或许会更好一些

关注我们广安 · 发表于 2012-4-20 21:36:52

一家之言，不一定正确。
觉得非native的文章，如果要拿高分，一些用得尚可的亮点词汇或者所谓的大词是少不了的，因为我们在逻辑上和布局上和native还有一定差距。毕竟，学词汇比学思维快，当然，是应付考试之计。
另外，建议lz再检查一下语法错误和单复数。
自己觉得英文不一定很专业，但是writing考了一次6和两次7，可能适当的词汇展示起了较大的作用

[雅思杂谈] 这个作文能到7吗？求批改

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