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[雅思杂谈] 也发一篇我的作文,给大家批批

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11#
发表于 2012-4-28 02:35:39 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


继续顶贴 让高手帮你我看看吧


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发表于 2012-4-28 14:12:54 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


Nowadays, the weight level of some countries’ people is relatively higher than before and the health and fitness level are not as good as before as well(as well 应该表达相同方向的意思). Firstly(这个连词好像不是很恰当。干脆不用), many factors contribute to this social phenomenon, such as less sport, eating too much, pollution and so on. In the meantime(这个连词也用的不是很恰当), lots of measures and approaches can be used to relieve this and make people healthier and fitter.

Apparently, less sport activities is the first reason for people’s overweight and worse(worsening) health level. In the present time, people are busier working and doing housework, especially in the city area( no area). This kind of life cannot permit, for example, the city dwellers, to have enough time doing sports regularly and frequently. Therefore, their health is getting bad (worse). Moreover, eating habit also plays a key role. With the increasing level of people’s material life, people are eating more food besides rice and fruits, including meat and fast food. This unhealthy habit make many person(s) be overweight and of bad health. Additionally, environmental pollution cannot be excluded. As the environment we are living in is not as clean as before, everybody’s immune system are becoming worse slowly,which also leads to people’s  bad health. (最后一个观点好像和over weigh 不沾边啊。)

Although this problem is getting worse and many people are influenced by it, many measures can stop it from deteriorating. Doing more exercises can help many people a lot, especially office ladies and computer engineers.  Taking part in sports regularly can improve their health level mentally and physically. Moreover, keeping healthy eating habits also benefits everybody. For example, eating more fruits and vegetable and less meat will probably help people keep fit. Finally travelling also help people be healthy and fit.When people are travelling,they can forget the pressure of life and work.This experience can force them to get rid of long time sitting, which is also a good way to keep healthy and fit.

In conclusion, people's overweighting and bad health attributes to various reasons,such as less sport,bad eating habit.....If people take some actions, for example,more sports, people will benefit from them.


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13#
发表于 2012-4-28 21:29:04 | 只看该作者 来自: INNA


我的作文水平也很差,大家原谅.

第一段,  the weight level of some countries’ people ,这一串看得就挺头疼, 直接用 people's average weight  不行吗?是因为和题目中使用的太相似?


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