作文第三遍，恳请大家批评指教。

v2u0p4c1ie · 发表于 2012-7-3 21:20:01

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International organizations should provide poor countries with technology and practical advice rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that it is important for international organizations to provide poor countries with technology and practical experience rather than provide money directly. Personally, I believe that both types of support are important, and I therefore disagree with this statement.

--------------新改的------------------------

On the one hand, providing technology and valuable advice for poor countries are important. In most developing countries, there are abundant natural resources. However, governments do not have ability to exploit these resources, because of the shortage of technology. Therefore, with sufficient technology support, authorities could enlarge their export by exploiting the natural resources. Also, a large proportion of population cannot get jobs due to the lack of living skills. Practical training could ensure people get jobs which can feed their families.

--------------旧的------------------------

On the one hand, I accept that it is important to help poor countries with technology and valuable experience. In most developed countries there are majority original resources as well as human resources. Therefore, if have enough technologies support and training experience, it is possible for those poor countries to establish more factories to tackle the unemployed problems. Moreover, the main reason for the poor country citizens suffer from illness is the shortage of medical technology. Without sufficient advanced medical aid, the infectious diseases could not be well controlled and people could die from curable diseases.

At the same time, I believe that financial aid for the needy countries is necessary. The benefits are obviously if money can contribute suitably to poor countries. Governments could spend money to import equipments to expand and improve their industry and agriculture systems. In additional, technology could not live alone without financial support. Without sufficient money, government could not afford to support or maintain their technologic equipments as these always expensive costly. As a result, the whole industry chain could not work efficiently.

In conclusion, I am convinced that international organizations should not only provider technology and practical advice, but also give financial aid to help poor countries get out of property.

============题外话============================

其实我想表达的观点是，技术支持和经济救组对贫困国家都很重要，国际组织都要支持。说白了，就是来着不拒。我尽量往折中式上靠，怕字数不够。不知道这样立论会算不算折中式，会不会扣分，关键的是能这样写吗？谢谢大家的指导批评。

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xnbmjgogp4 · 发表于 2012-7-3 22:19:42

Some people argue that it is important for international organizations to provide poor countries with technology and practical experience rather than provide money directly. （第一句一定要改写。 Some people argue可以不用。Instead of 和rather句型是可以完全替代的，因此这里可以改成 instead of pouring tons of money into less developed countries, it is argued that technical support and detailed guides）can be more useful. Thus, global supports for developing countries should be delivered in the former way.) Personally, I （少加感情词第一人称，虽然对此的容忍度每个考官不一样，但是没有人会因为你用第三人称客观词而扣分）believe that both types of support are important, and I therefore （没看出来这里的因果关系）disagree with this statement.

v2u0p4c1ie · 发表于 2012-7-3 22:42:19

谢谢你指出，第一段中的错误。另外如果下面要表达自己意见的时候，不用第一人称 I，那该怎么改呢？
Personally, I （少加感情词第一人称，虽然对此的容忍度每个考官不一样，但是没有人会因为你用第三人称客观词而扣分）believe that both types of support are important,

onksn3s6o6 · 发表于 2012-7-4 08:37:08

In most developed countries there are majority original resources as well as human resources. Therefore, if have enough technologies support and training experience, it is possible for those poor countries to establish more factories to tackle the unemployed problems.
这明显是Chinglish。应该是abundant 而不是majority吧。要不就是THE DEVELOPED CONTRIES POSSESS THE MAJORITY OF ...THEREFORE,WITH ENOUGH ....IT IS .....
不过，这样子的逻辑似乎也不通。developed 应该是undeveloped吧？

xxihill · 发表于 2012-7-4 18:37:21

逻辑还是太跳跃了，很难搞清楚。

会体贴人 · 发表于 2012-7-4 19:16:49

不用写我，陈述句最好。
坛子里有过一个七分作文贴讲了很多的，回头贴一下。
另外之前说的第一句要改写指的是虽然意思可以和题目一样，但是最好每个词都换成同义词。
Believe不要用在你支持的观点前头，因为这是一个很弱的支持词。

duhta100 · 发表于 2012-7-5 05:19:02

的确，lz 你说话一跳一跳的，老外可不会这么跟上你的节奏，句子前后都要连贯有因果
我看了你第二段就不想看下去了，这样的思维不行
还有你的连接词、短语用的很生硬，有模板痕迹

rsvbiants · 发表于 2012-7-5 15:29:40

建议看看精华贴有个帖子分析内容如何展开的

法家淡 · 发表于 2012-7-5 22:27:57

On the （不用the）one hand, I accept that（套话，删掉） it is important to help （出现太多次了）poor countries （替换）with technology and valuable experience（practical advice更像是可行的）. In most developed countries there are majority （？rich?）original resources (?nature resources?) as well as human resources(为了避免重复resources 可以用human capital，或者labor force). Therefore, if (主语呢？所以最好是with sufficient …..)have enough technologies support (support 替换的不错) and training experience（training 也不错，practical advice 中很重要的一个）, it is （it is 句型好像也出现三遍了）possible for those poor countries to establish more factories to tackle the unemployed problems. （如果要支持这个观点就不要用possible,如果不要就用）Moreover, the main reason for the poor country citizens suffer from illness is the shortage of medical technology. （这句话开始离题了，而且这不是更进一步的意思，最好用for example, 或者specifically speaking.）Without sufficient advanced medical aid, the infectious diseases could not be well controlled and people could die from curable diseases.(这个论据会失分，因为西方主流观点认为，目前传染病其实只要花一点点钱就可以治疗，不用先进，不用太多钱，只要保证水源安全，洗手洗东西。另外这个论据好像已经开始没有支持论点，论点是穷国有资源，人才，所以有技术就能发展。但是，这个论点强调的是好的医疗援助，穷国的资源人才发挥的作用显示在哪里？)（最好再加一个总结性的句子再强调一遍你的topic sentence）

lulfrmayp · 发表于 2012-7-6 08:34:52

楼主作文要几分？
如果7分的话差距还比较大
各个方面都要加油。词汇有些意思没抓准，有些惯用语也有点问题。第一步先把连接词掌握好，所有的连接词都应该是句子逻辑真的是那个样子的时候再使用。比如你的moreover,还有前面的therefore。很理解，我之前也是这种“高级”词爱好者。但是后来我觉得要先用好and, so, because，其他都是进一步的。话说用好and so because although，也6分了。
还有前后的联系。论点总结全段，全文的意思，所有论据都要支持论点。这个要靠自己揣摩，如果不支持论点的论据不如不要写。

[雅思杂谈] 作文第三遍，恳请大家批评指教。

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