作文第三遍，恳请大家批评指教。

绿水青山处 · 发表于 2012-7-6 18:55:18

At the same time, (前段用on one hand,第二段一定一定要on the other hand，这个是cohesion的重点) I believe that （同上，删掉）financial aid for the needy countries is necessary. (这里提一下，如果是真觉得这个措施好，necessary这个词好像力度不够强，not necessary是个很强的词，但是这里你的意思来说应该是essential之类的吧，是很重要而不是需要的)The benefits are obviously （没有ly,应该是动词）（前后两个句子之间应该有符号，if 不是连词）if money can contribute suitably to poor countries.（没看懂，是国际组织拨款要合适还是？？） Governments could spend money to import equipments to expand and improve their industry and agriculture systems. （怎么觉得绕回去了，原来拿钱还是买技术啊）In additional, （这里没有此外的感觉，应该是从反面又论证了一遍）technology could not live alone without financial support. Without sufficient money（money也应该变换一下了，funding,financial support什么都好）, government could not afford （afford这个词很好，但是不要加to support，直接afford and maintain会更好）to support or maintain their technologic equipments as （这个词不错，表示了程度较轻的because）these always expensive costly(选一个吧，这俩是同义词). As a result, the whole industry chain could not work efficiently.（跳跃了）

caqweyrorzw · 发表于 2012-7-7 01:52:48

好吧，我觉得我是一个很啰嗦很啰嗦的读者。
加油吧楼主！

河马小咬 · 发表于 2012-7-7 10:56:36

8多说了，或许打击楼主， 7分很遥远，6分有点危险。

我自己作文也很差，感觉和楼主可能差不多。

抓紧看看论坛的精华贴，看看考官范文是怎么写的

x2tg6f23 · 发表于 2012-7-7 16:56:10

In the present-day world, it is a completely normal for international organizations aid underdeveloped nations. Although conventional wisdom has it that we should support them in a practical way rather than funding only, the reality of the situation is often far more complicated than that. To my mind, no matter which kind of assistance we deliver, all of them are beneficial to the less developed countries.

v2u0p4c1ie · 发表于 2012-7-7 17:15:41

感谢黄竹子耐心的指出了我文章中的错误。之前一直不太明白文章应该这样去布局才会有逻辑性，您的点评让我收益良多，让我清楚的认识到了文章中存在的错误。吸取了竹子的经验教训，把第二段重新改写了一遍，这次思路居然开阔了好多，思维不再那么杂乱了，也不再像之前那样写一句思维就阻塞了。感谢大家，对我文章的指导批评。

On the one hand, providing technology and valuable advice for poor countries are important. In most developing countries, there are abundant natural resources. However, governments do not have ability to exploit these resources, because of the shortage of technology. Therefore, with sufficient technology support, authorities could enlarge their export by exploiting the natural resources. Also, a large proportion of population cannot get jobs due to the lack of living skills. Practical training could ensure people get jobs which can feed their families.

v2u0p4c1ie · 发表于 2012-7-8 03:25:22

回头自己看的时候，是感觉思维太跳了，谢谢指出问题

v2u0p4c1ie · 发表于 2012-7-8 09:48:55

我的首段有多问题。不错的开头，好好研究下。谢谢

我要过英语6级 · 发表于 2012-7-8 19:42:57

On one hand, providing technical support which is extremely wanted to the third world countries is essential to these countries’ sustainable development as well as their people. That is because the people of these countries could benefit from their countries abundant natural resources and human resources if with the first class technology as they cannot exploit and make use of these valuable resources by themselves. When the economy of these countries is stimulated, and more jobs are offered by their labour markets, people will become more wealth, and the whole societies’ consuming capacity is rising, which is a typical positive developing cycle of a country.
退化了，看来我也要坚持写才行

yyfrl310ww · 发表于 2012-7-9 01:42:24

On the other hand, it is believed that necessary financial aid to poor countries in emergent conditions is also required. For example, North Korea has been under severe sanction for so many years, while many international organizations give its people basic humanitarian assistance to avoid starving, which is defined as serious humanitarian disaster. However, direct financial aids are rare in recent years because it is widely believed that these aids could do little to improve poor countries’ economic condition and their people’s living condition in a medium-and-long term.

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EDOPack · 发表于 2012-7-9 05:33:49

真心没看明白楼主想说什么，是想说technical methods overwhelm financial aid呢还是来者不拒，只要是援助就好

[雅思杂谈] 作文第三遍，恳请大家批评指教。

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