作文累积贴，求批

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-12 13:10:14

8晓得啊,应该块了吧,我急啊....

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-12 23:23:56

多谢, 我语法基本是一塌糊涂额, 需要学习

pziw6126 · 发表于 2012-4-13 00:21:31

词汇还比较丰富。

MZYMYC · 发表于 2012-4-13 12:00:29

个人意见，供你参考。
被动语态用的不够，被动语态会显得更专业一点。
需要写一两个复杂句和独立主格的句子来展现你对英语的掌握。
我也没考过雅思，所以也只是个人意见

WL小李飞刀 · 发表于 2012-4-13 21:05:46

应该多用主动而不是被动。被动用得太多闲的语气较弱，点缀一下即可。
复杂句费用不可，否则6分都难保，，

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-14 02:28:57

Some children in rural places cannot have good schools and medical facilities. To improve this situation, some people suggest that new teachers and doctors should be sent to rural places for several years. Others, however, believe everyone has the free right to choose where to work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is commonly believed that there are many aspects of the country relatively different to the city. As aging population and higher birth rate, people realise that the resources of education and medical are face the tendency -- less and less, especially for rural areas. Therefore, the discussion of whether should send new professionals to the place where need them most firstly is in full swing. This essay will argue that people should execution their duty voluntary instead of be forced.

First of all, it is undeniable that people should increase investment to rural places to improve the local situation, not only include facilities, but also talents. But unlike facilities which can be produced from factory with large amount, it is impossible to find enough teachers and doctors who can serve for all people around the nation. Hence, I would like to emphasis that it is unreasonable to send all new professionals to rural areas because this means the city would lacked of resources. It is possible that on one hand, we satisfy the requirement of countryside, but on the other hand, the city which with a big population would face more serious problem. Meantime, amongst all professionals, some of them are less experienced who may just graduate from university, can you image what will happen if we only send them to rural places? It is obviously that some student would not be well educated or some patient with horrible disease would miss the best chance to be healed because most of the professionals are not experienced.

Put it in another way, human rights are very important for everyone and protected by the government which means individuals have rights to select anything for themselves, including where they prefer to work at, of course. Therefore, people cannot force them to work in rural areas. Meanwhile, talents also will be negative if they doing anything they do not want. According to the research result from Tsinghua University (THU), the work efficiency of individuals who subject to mood swings can be 20% lower than normal one. Therefore, it is unreliable that send our hope to them in this situation.

To sum up, we need to balance the resources to rural areas and the city to fit all their required, particularly to balance the number of rich experienced and less experienced talents. Based on the facts above and we have to admit the importance of human rights, we really should not send the new professionals to specific place.

波兰至尊 · 发表于 2012-4-14 12:13:36

To be honest, as to me, I think your first essay would only score 6 or less. All over of your article, it's inundated with exaggeration and inappropriate hyposis, which goes totally astray from the requirement of accuration, which is a key to 7.

It seems to me that you have memorized a lot of good sentences but you used them impropriately in your article. For example, you mentioned about the definition of 'waste', but you really not clearly defined it in the immediate following sentense.

Besides, normally, you should not include too much reasoning in your first paragraph, it is for statement, with or without your personal opinion. To make it worse, your reasoning is inaccurate and inappropriate.

The 3rd paragrah is bad shaped because your first sentence of a paragraph should always clearly state your arguing point. You missed that.

In conclusion, please always bear in mind two most missed points by Chinese candicates, including me, the ACCURATION and CONCISION.

kzpcl733 · 发表于 2012-4-14 19:33:03

Same thing happens in your Essay two.
In your openning paragraph, you try to make it more vivid by broaden the area, but many of then is irrelavant with your article. If I want to do that, I would start with any subject from (children in rural places, good schools and medical facilities) but not from the difference between city and rural area, that is not your topic.
And you really think high birth rate is relevant?

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-15 06:09:08

wow, thanks for your advise, I will check them and try to improve my skills.

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-15 14:54:47

Some people think that examinations have some bad effects on both students and teachers. Some people say they do a good job in the evaluation of the students’ performance. What is your opinion?

The global education system has been developed over 2 thousand years. Although there are many differences between each nation, but there is one aspect surprising consensus on the examination – it has been kept in almost every country until now. Recently, some people question about the effect of examination and think it makes negative impact to both students and teachers. From my point of view, the positive effect is greater than negative one.

It is commonly believed that not only students but also teachers spend more time and energy if there is an examination which both of them need prepared. People may think it is an extra pay and it would be better if we take advantage of this period time to learn more knowledge, but I am not wholly agree with this opinion. The key point is, we cannot build a skyscraper without solid foundation, which means students need review the knowledge they learnt before (via examination) and confirm they handle it well first. It would be meaningless if teacher continue teach students new knowledge regardless of care about whether listeners can master the theory. For instance, people suggest pupils to learn more about advanced mathematics, but meantime, they are not an expert in four arithmetic operations. How they can achieve that? Therefore, it is worth to spend some time on examination to evaluate whether students master the knowledge well in order to figure the strategy of study out.

Furthermore, it is obviously that most nations reserve the examination in their education system due to several benefits. Firstly, the result of good performance can encourage students keep learning hardly. Secondly, students may realise some weak aspects and they can reinforce the knowledge. Last but not least, teachers can help individuals who need tutoring the most via examination. It is worth mentioning that according to research result of World Association for Educational Research (WAER) shows the graduation rates would be increased along with the increase in the number of examinations.

To sum up, the examination has both positive and negative aspects which affect students and teachers. But we can ignore some bad effects if we consider the importance of it. Hence, in general, the advantages we achieved by examination are outweigh the disadvantages.

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[雅思杂谈] 作文累积贴，求批

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