作文累积贴，求批

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-24 00:08:59

Shopping is becoming a way of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

In present-days society, people spend large amounts of money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerning by individuals: whether whole society benefited from entertainment expenditure? From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.

Although many people subscribe to the belief that entertaining consumptions waste money, this is in fact a common misconception that we need to clear up. Firstly, wasting is not that consumers buy something in terms of valuable and useful, even though they buy a vast number of commodities back and never use. For instance, people collect numbers of antiques as they pretty enjoy the collection. Secondly, we cannot arbitrarily conclude whether shopping for entertainment would be a waste as there are various selections for individuals to taking care of their personal goods wisely. Donation is a case in point. Therefore, the entertaining consumption is nothing directly related to the wasting.

Meanwhile, it is universally acknowledged that the entertaining consumptions would stimulate economic development. Obviously, factories would produce more commodities in order to satisfy people’s needs if all goods were sold out. In other words, mass expenditures on entertainment would encourage productivity, and then it would lead to rapid economic growth. It is worth mentioning that the consumer index increased 30 percent in China last year and she maintained a very high growth rate in terms of GDP, which reported by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) two months ago.

To sum up, although some people believe that shopping for entertainment would cause wasting, it is undeniable that it makes a great contribution to society, such as, stimulate economic development. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that increasingly entertaining consumptions are positive to the development.

上一个版本给出去批改结果为5.5分,以下部分为根据批改老师修改的版本:

In present-day society, people spend large amounts of money on shopping. Some expenses are made to buy necessities, while others are just for desire and pleasure. Thus, there is a question concerning individuals: whether or not whole society benefits from shopping which is done as a form of entertainment? From my perspective, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.

Although many people subscribe to the belief that often times shopping is a waste of money, this is in fact a common misconception that we need to clear up. Firstly, wasting is not the same as consumers buying something valuable and useful, even though they buy a vast number of commodities that they never use. For instance, people collect numbers of antiques as a hobby or investment. Secondly, as there are various selections for owners to taking care of their personal goods in an elegant way, we cannot arbitrarily conclude that spend money on obtaining pleasure is a waste. The donation is a case in point. Therefore, the consumption of the entertainment is nothing directly related to the wasting.

Meanwhile, it is universally acknowledged that the consumptions would stimulate economic development. Obviously, factories would produce more commodities in order to satisfy people’s needs if all goods were sold out. In other words, shopping as an entertaining activity would encourage productivity, and then it would lead to rapid economic growth.

To sum up, although some people believe that shopping as a mean of entertainment would cause wasting, it is undeniable that costs on entertainment makes a great contribution to society, such as, stimulate economic development. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that the trend towards shopping becoming a way of entertainment is a positive development.

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ldiq0175 · 发表于 2012-4-24 00:58:21

我要是能有楼主这么勤奋估计早就过了。真心佩服楼主的毅力。但是你这个练法上七太困难了。要不找个英语好的朋友帮你补一补基础语法，要么就找个老师。

zaprlsggg4 · 发表于 2012-4-24 06:59:12

Recent year, people spend increasingly money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while in others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerned by individuals, which is whether whole society can be benefited from extra consumption. From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.
Nowadays, an interesting phenomenon that people are willing to spend more and more money on shopping not for buying goods they need but for chasing the addictive desires causes many people’s concern. Some of them think that excessive consumption could stimulus economy and then the whole society would benefit from it; while others point out over consumption would result in many negatives and do harm to the whole society in medium-and-long term. And I agree with the idea that excessive consumption should not be encouraged.
1. 我觉得应该是recent years
2. increasingly money应该是increasing 吧
3. 第二句用主动语态是不是比较好？Some is used to buy necessities, while some other is for entertaining. (感觉像是说一部分用来买生活必需品，另一部分花在日常娱乐上了，应该是用错了词)
4. 第三句好像有语法错误,而且中国式“于是，一个问题产生了，英语很少这种表述吧？”。英语高手来指出吧。而且定语从句一定要紧跟被修饰的词的，which引导的是修饰的是question,但是中间隔了那么多东西，是很严重的语法错误。Thus, many people doubt whether or not excessive consumption could benefit the whole society in medium-an-long term.
5. In my opinion, excessive consumption would (下面想说几点，这里就阐述几个观点)； that is to say……(that is 前面用分号，是语法要求，不要乱用标点符号)

舞动风生 · 发表于 2012-4-24 17:09:39

我也推荐上面有人推荐的writing academic essay，很好的一本书，看看正宗老外怎么行文造句的，老外很注重逻辑的，如果文章在逻辑上说不通，那些头脑简单的家伙根本看不懂，看都看不懂，怎么可能会得高分。
然后找一本原版的好些的grammar的书，楼主的grammar错误是成片出现的，grammar水平提不上去，7分根本是妄想。我用的是longman的，这两本书加起来也有1000页了，楼主从基础抓起吧，基础牢靠了，就不会抓瞎了。

hfeiom5908 · 发表于 2012-4-24 19:38:15

In present-days society, people spend large amounts of money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerning by individuals: whether whole society benefited from entertainment expenditure? From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.
present-day society（没见过这种用法），很陌生
a large amount of +uncountable noun
money在前面，后面最好别用expenses这类复数形式。 some is used to……
thus, (请查语法书确定一下，我觉得thus后面要加逗号)
there is +doing的结构在这里很怪。为什么不用主动语态。如果要用冒号，我觉得应该是question: ……中间不要夹杂太多东西
whether (the) whole society benefits (为什么用过去式？)
entertainment expenditure娱乐支出（娱乐产业？？？你要讨论的是shopping中的过度消费，花钱找快感，第一段就摁偏题了）
that is to say前面标点错了。第一段没必要通过that is to say 来展开论述，而且，最好用that is 就行了。用这类没意义的词来凑字数是不行的，可能会招致反感。

mignyay9u · 发表于 2012-4-24 21:14:09

同意楼上的看法，楼主的问题在于艰深的词汇和离谱的语法组合在一起，考官会认为你是硬套模板的。

nowop7198f · 发表于 2012-4-25 01:32:08

网友们太热心了，我的作文还找不到人帮忙看呢，写了篇放在英语交流区无人问津，放过来又怕版面不对，纠结啊，不然我也开个帖子？会不会弄坏风气啊

psikd7r0l5 · 发表于 2012-4-25 09:21:51

More and more employees work at home with modern technology. Some people claim that it benefits only workers, but not employers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, as high technology develops rapidly, people work at home instead of going to the office. As more employees prefer working in this way, employers, who paid to employees, consider finally that whether companies could benefit from it.

Although commonly believed that the home office is beneficial to employees only, this is actually not the case. As a matter of fact, not only employers but employees benefit from the way the home work.

It is obvious that individuals feel more comfortable and convenient when they work at home. Firstly, that surrounding from home was familiar by homeowners. Generally, people work in a good mood and feel easeful if they stay in a well-known environment. Secondly, time arrangement becomes more reasonable. If there are no tasks assigning to employees, they could do anything they want, such as play basketball in the backyard or do house works. On the other hand, they work at night for emergency arrangements. Last but not least, employees save their time on transportation. Of course we do not need extra time on driving to the office; we turn on the laptop and the work begins.

Meanwhile, as employees prefer flexible working which involve home working, the cooperation benefit from it as well. Were employees working from home, employers not only could save office expenses but also would extend the time of employee’s work relatively. As we all know, it costs a lot of money if people work in office because employers have to pay the different kind of bills in terms of electricity, rent and phone. Consequently, the company could save part of it if employees work at home. Similarly, while employees who come to the office by public transport begin to work, others who work at home have worked an hour already. Therefore, the way the home office makes employees to working extra hours.

Given the above argument, it is reasonable to conclude that working at home is both beneficial to employers and employees.

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vuosa3r9t5 · 发表于 2012-4-25 12:59:14

只看第一段
语法的错误有

instead of doing
employees prefer doing
thus这句和前句之间不构成因果关系
consider 后面的that删除
whether their companies could benefit from the trend单复数错了

第一段完全没有完成作为一个完整的essay所应该完成的任务
说实话，第一段毫无意义，可能会把改卷子的老外看崩溃……

fmwpp · 发表于 2012-4-25 22:57:28

楼主，真心的，你与其哼哧哼哧的在这里写作文写的起劲，不如拿出整块的时间把语法作为一个雅思的专题，先攻克再说……

[雅思杂谈] 作文累积贴，求批

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