大作文求高人批啊

jlggh · 发表于 2012-8-31 05:43:38

http://www.localau.com/viewt ... &authorid=76631 看这个帖子，自己先改改。
帮你顶，真勤奋，写了这么多。

缴费单啊 · 发表于 2012-8-31 13:56:03

第一篇文章，我觉得你把原因和你觉得是否positive 混淆了。

问题首先问你是什么原因，而你说了两个原因，然后就说我认为是有益的。

你没有展开说明 Do you think it is a positive development？只是在结尾提了一句。所以整篇有点跑题了。

还有楼主的从句用的太多了，好几处好几句从句，看得人云山雾罩的。
比如; If they have to take care their children, such as cooking and checking houseworks for them, then they probably have to arrange time effectively, which imposing a continued pressure on them, is a challenge for the tired parents, after getting rid of the intense office work.
而且这句话里面有错误
1. is a challenge for the tired parents的主语是什么？
2. 不是housework 是homework。
3. 有了if, 不需要then,
4. continued-> continuous,
5. effectively-efficiently。
6. after getting rid of the intense office work 加在后面不恰当。
7. 这句话的意思是：如果他们必须照顾他们的孩子，那他们可能必须有效安排时间。这句话要表达的逻辑有问题。

我看到剑桥雅思的作文有几篇也是拽的很厉害，不知道楼主是否是模仿那个的，感觉上面的句子是按照中文拼凑了一些从句啥的，直接翻译过来的，很不符合语法和逻辑。

其实以楼主的水平，老老实实用一个从句或者是两句简单句的复合句还是可以的，用连接词把逻辑表达出来。

then 这个词是副词词性，不能当连词。

Another reason, which is possibly most important, why the father and mother prefer their children to be boarding to being stay with them, is that they appreciate the living lives in schools with their peers.
这句也有点莫名。

archived 这个词用错了。

建议楼主用考试用纸，用铅笔和考试时一样练习，不要在电脑上直接打印。在规定的时间内，写文章，然后估计大概字数在哪里。写的时候尽量规范，不要用这么多从句，一句一句话表达清楚，不要罗嗦。其实觉得剑桥雅思里面有些文章也是绕来绕去的，但也有一些很好的，有时间也好好琢磨一下吧，注意里面的文章结构，逻辑连接，从句的用法。

个人看法，仅供参考。其实G类的作文是不用这么拽的，很容易弄巧成拙，因为没有那个金刚钻。

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q0i9kbfe5 · 发表于 2012-8-31 22:42:06

吃完晚饭，赶紧上来看看，谢谢alpinistzheng详细分析啊。
没被标红的，表示我认同哈

我有说了些（ the children can develop a more independent and social character），不过的确是比较少，哈

还有楼主的从句用的太多了，好几处好几句从句，看得人云山雾罩的。
比如; If they have to take care their children, such as cooking and checking houseworks for them, then they probably have to arrange time effectively, which imposing a continued pressure on them, is a challenge for the tired parents, after getting rid of the intense office work.
而且这句话里面有错误
1. is a challenge for the tired parents的主语是什么？

是which，我把imposing a continued pressure on them做分词短语用来修饰which，不知道能不能这么用，我找看看，反正我也觉得怪。这个我刚才看了您的疑问后，也一直找了好久主语，这个是前天写的，我都忘了句式了：）

2. 不是housework 是homework。
3. 有了if, 不需要then,
我看范文里有这么用的呢

4. continued-> continuous,
5. effectively-efficiently。
我初衷就是想着“有效”，而不是“高效”：）

6. after getting rid of the intense office work 加在后面不恰当。

我想着是用分词短袖做状语

7. 这句话的意思是：如果他们必须照顾他们的孩子，那他们可能必须有效安排时间。这句话要表达的逻辑有问题。
我也觉得。不过我开始是想着要saving energy ，所以要有效安排时间的

我看到剑桥雅思的作文有几篇也是拽的很厉害，不知道楼主是否是模仿那个的，感觉上面的句子是按照中文拼凑了一些从句啥的，直接翻译过来的，很不符合语法和逻辑。

其实以楼主的水平，老老实实用一个从句或者是两句简单句的复合句还是可以的，用连接词把逻辑表达出来。

then 这个词是副词词性，不能当连词。
then因为用在if句式中，所以也不是连词：）

Another reason, which is possibly most important, why the father and mother prefer their children to be boarding to being stay with them, is that they appreciate the living lives in schools with their peers.
这句也有点莫名。
是有点儿怪，我的想法是， which非限制性定语从句，而why是reason的同位语从句， is句子跟reason才是一伙的

archived 这个词用错了。

建议楼主用考试用纸，用铅笔和考试时一样练习，不要在电脑上直接打印。在规定的时间内，写文章，然后估计大概字数在哪里。写的时候尽量规范，不要用这么多从句，一句一句话表达清楚，不要罗嗦。其实觉得剑桥雅思里面有些文章也是绕来绕去的，但也有一些很好的，有时间也好好琢磨一下吧，注意里面的文章结构，逻辑连接，从句的用法。

个人看法，仅供参考。其实G类的作文是不用这么拽的，很容易弄巧成拙，因为没有那个金刚钻。
怎么办，太清新了会被认为拽或者简单；太big了会被认为是背甚至是老套，，，，

8c22o46ko · 发表于 2012-9-1 04:29:25

说实话写得一般，有个把不通。楼主酌情努力吧。一雅估计能上六

an94hujrif · 发表于 2012-9-1 13:50:11

Being limited time and energy 用法错误, many parents send their children to schools which offer accommodation service , with the intention to reduce their pressure coming from caring and encourage them to live more independently. Before evaluating the trend你就没有怎么evaluating，因为你最后一段只是总结段，所以文章跑题, I intend to discuss the causes for that. (47)

In current society, with two working parents, many family have no enough spare time and energy left to be with their sons and daughters. For many workers, they have to work from the morning to the evening to support the family. When they come home from offices, they have no more than four hours which can be spent before saving enough energy for tomorrow. If they have to take care their children, such as cooking and checking houseworks for them, then they probably have to arrange time effectively, which imposing a continued pressure on them, is a challenge for the tired parents, after getting rid of the intense office work. (110)

Another reason, which is possibly most important, why the father and mother prefer their children to be boarding to being stay with them这是什么意思，住校了还和他们在一起吗, is that they appreciate the living lives in schools with their peers. If boys or girls take a boarding life, then they have to and are able to spend more time, and may be enjoy themselves with their classmates. Living with the same age and background省略过头, which cannot be archived when living with their parents, the children can develop a more independent and social character. (88)

实际上你这段完全可以改成evaluate 的内容，但是论点太少，我觉得至少应该写两个好处。其实你把原因和你觉得有好处掺合在一起了，第二段写原因，第三段写positive吧。我能相像得出楼主大笔一挥写的很快，不过内容要好好斟酌一下，也要避免生硬的模仿。句子不要用的太长太罗嗦。要把自己要表达的东西干净利落的表达出来。

In conclusion, I believe that taking a boarding life would not only benefit the parents as it lessens the burden for parents, but also the children with such life playing a positive role in developing their characters.

你说你在范文里面看到了 if then 的用法，所以你用了两处，你在看别的英文文章里面看到过这种用法吗？有可能有的文章里面用了一次，但是一般来说那可能是有特别的强调意思的。如果楼主觉得用了if，就要用then 这是大错特错了。所以请斟酌吧。看得出来楼主是一个充满自信的人，呵呵，不过这有可能是会影响到你的学习过程的。很多搭配和逻辑中国人难免犯chglish的问题。如果你读多了英语文章，再来看自己写的文章，也许能看得出些许问题吧。其实你觉得你跑题并不是大问题，但这有可能会使你达不到6分的，因为整篇文章没有按照要求的内容写。楼主勤奋写作令人敬佩，但是一口气写这么多并不能使你提高，因为你并不知道自己的问题，就一个劲的写，怎么提高呢？呵呵，这仅是个人想法，供楼主参考。

还有一个问题，就是有些单词楼主完全是根据中文解释来用的。我用的是朗文的英英字典。如果楼主去查interesting 这个词，就会发现英英字典里面的意思完全和你平常想的不一样的。我是买的电子版的英英字典，很好用，电脑和其他电子设备上都可以装。在用词的时候尽量查一下，里面有关这个词的所有解释和用法，主要短语都很全。用词的话不能根据中文解释和自己的相像，这样很难写出地道的英文。

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q0i9kbfe5 · 发表于 2012-9-1 14:35:47

上班第一件事就是赶快来看下回复：）
真的很谢谢各位指导（特别感谢alpinistzheng耐心检查），我自己也觉得问题很多，就是感觉无从下手。其实俺去年年初考过2次作文每次都只有6分，因为某些原因，最近才重新开始，在看了很多人的介绍后，这次打算好好学习范文，去年备考时，说实话，我不看考官范文的（因为范文没人分析），那时感觉剑桥系列就是听力和阅读（G类）有用。

这几篇都是上班时躲着别人闷头写，所以的确是问题多多，等过了91，打算改用笔来练习，，，

1：alpinistzheng说的“Being limited time and energy 用法错误”，改成Being time and energy limited怎么样？
2：跑题最可怕了，这个估计是思维习惯问题，还真没头绪，惨，，，，，，
3：prefer their children to be boarding to being stay with them 是prefer 。。。to结构，自己感觉也有问题，如何改好呢？
4：the same age and background省略过头，这个您是说只说年龄和背景太简单，还是说背景需要交代清楚点呢？
5：朗文查了下，电子版，一个3.8g，一个1.7g，看了电驴的界面，看来得搞个，，，，，
6：把原因和positive分开估计要动大手术了，找个时间分开再写一次，，，

再次感谢各位，有问题各位尽请说，本来就是来让人找茬的：）

刚刚又发现了几个问题，乱七八糟的，看不下去了：
Being time and energy limited （移到后面）, many parents send their children to schools which offer accommodation services(用复数) , with the intention to reduce their pressure coming from caring and encourage them to live more independently. Before evaluating the trend, I intend to discuss the causes for that. (47)

In current society(应该是societies), with two（是不是用double好点？） working parents, many family(应该是families) have no enough spare time and energy left to be with their（？） sons and daughters. For many workers, they have to work from the morning to the evening to support the family（是不是应该用their families？）. When they come home from offices, they have（是不是用it is好点？） no more than four hours which can be spent before saving enough energy for tomorrow. If they have to take care their children, such as cooking and checking houseworks for them, then（那就删掉） they probably have to arrange time effectively, which is a challenge for the tired parents and impose a continual pressure on them, after getting rid of the intense office work. (110)

Another reason, which is possibly most important, why the father and the 加个the mother prefer their children to be boarding to being stay with them, is that they appreciate the living lives in schools with children's （换一个）peers. If boys or girls take a boarding life, then（删掉） they have to and are able to spend more time enjoying(把“, and may be” 换成enjoying) themselves with their classmates. Living with the same age and background, the children can develop a more independent and social character, which cannot be achieved when living with their parents(移到后面，用来修饰charater) . (88)

In conclusion, I believe that taking a boarding life would not only benefit the parents as it lessens the burden for parents, but also the children with such life（改成lives） playing a positive role in developing their characters.

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825t7x4u2 · 发表于 2012-9-1 17:49:10

建议看看小嶷的雅思作文，那里面有老外写的范文，楼主记住连接自然最重要，不要一味写长句难句，不一定高分。

q0i9kbfe5 · 发表于 2012-9-2 05:40:35

不好意思，急急忙忙就来麻烦大伙了。问题的确太多了，剩下几篇我先自己找下问题，剩下这2天就不写新的了。谢谢各位热心tx

靓面之猪 · 发表于 2012-9-2 06:31:03

都是强人，考试的人真的是伤不起啊

厚老粗 · 发表于 2012-9-2 06:41:46

Being limited time and energy , many parents send their children to schools which offer accommodation service

你这种情况是分词做状语。一般来说后面主句的主语就是状语的主语，楼主的用法是啥用法，解释一下。楼主很喜欢用分词做状语，建议看一下语法书。著名的有薄冰写的语法书，有关分词的用法，顺便也看一下从句的用法吧，呵呵。

4.作状语
作时间条件原因让步状语事要位于句首且与后面用逗号隔开能转换为一个相应的状语从句
作结果方式伴随状语时要位于句尾且与前面用逗号隔开有时也可以不用
注意分词作状语时的逻辑主语（即分词动作的发出者）一般要与句中主语保持一致．〔这个是重点是考试和高考的常考点大家必须记住〕
个人经验状语从句是万能的而分词作状语具有局限性当分词不能表示的时候可以用从句来做
1）作时间状语
eg.Walking in the street,I saw him.当我在街上走时，我看到他了．
可以转化为一个时间状语从句 When/While I was walking in the street,I saw him.
当我要表达正在进行的动作时我们可以在分词前面加上when／while
那么上面的例句就可以改写为When/While walking in the street,I saw him.（其实有的时候也可以理解为时间状语从句中的省略但是不是时时成立的）
重新注意一下所给出的例子
Walking in the street,I saw him.我是翻译成”当我在街上走时，我看到他了．”而不可以翻译为”当他在街上走时，他看到我了．”（这个是因为”分词作状语时其逻辑主语一般要与句中主语保持一致”）
但是有的同学问了那我要是想翻译成”当他在街上走时，我看到他了．”那应该怎么做那？
可以用状语从句来做啊因为从句是万能的啊
When/While he was walking in the street,I saw him.
在这里在告诉大家另外的一个方法
He walking in the street,I saw him.
这是分词的独立主格形式我们以下会介绍在这里不需太理解．
2）作条件状语
eg. Working hard,you will succeed.
3）作原因状语
eg. Being ill,she stayed at home.
注意 being是常用来作原因状语的
4）作让步状语
eg. Having failed many times,he didn't lost heart.
5）作结果状语
eg. His friend died,leaving him a lot of money,
6）作方式状语
eg. Please answer the question using another way.
7）作伴随状语
可以转化为一个并列句
eg. He is standing there,singing.

[雅思杂谈] 大作文求高人批啊

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