作文求批改

打海淀骗子 · 发表于 2012-12-7 12:42:48

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第一次完整的做完一篇作文，字数刚够还超时了，请众大牛指正，先谢了。

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays various industries pay more attention to gender equality and this trend also extends to military sector. Increasingly number of female joins the army which leads to a controversial discussion among people who hold different opinions. Some people think female have the right to join the army as men do while some other people against with that thought. To my mind, women can play an important role in the army.

First and foremost, from temperament and personality aspect, female always focus on details more than male. Therefore, women can do better in specific area (e.g. intelligence collection, psychological consultancy) of military. Because of severe competition, there will be enormous needs from male soldier. Under this kind of circumstances, a female psychologist or consultant with gentle voice would play a key part to ease soldiers’ mind. In addition to this, balance of gender ratio can bring more harmony atmosphere into severe military career.

Of cause, from another angel, military sector should be well prepared to each aspect of policy and facility while allow women taking part in the army. For instance, it is a must to keep enough distance between the female’s shower room and the male’s. Meanwhile severely punishments or laws should be enforced to prevent the possible sexual harassment.

Generally, I believe women can strengthen the military power. Thereby it’s reasonable to allow women joining the army. This may lead to some new situations that have never happened before, and I think the military sector can definitely work out corresponding solutions in advance to manage the issues well.

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119149 · 发表于 2012-12-7 22:35:22

总体结构不错，语言也很academic

全文很多地方female和male都做主语用了，这样好处是避免了过多重复使用men和women，不过我不确定当名词用时，应该是用males/females还是单数就可以

其他少数我能spot到的地方：
while some other people against with that thought
改为 while others are against that thought

Because of severe competition, there will be enormous needs from male soldier
这句逻辑我没看懂，因为竞争太激烈，所以男兵的需求过于庞大？needs是指什么呢？physical need ？psychological need？

harmony atmosphere，要么就单独用harmony，要么用harmonious atmosphere

from another angel：偶也常犯的错误，angle啊，angel啊....长得也忒像点了

while allow women taking part in the army：allow改为allowing；taking 改为 to take

the female’s shower room and the male’s：还是female和male的用法问题，我也拿不准，常用的说法是women's shower room / men's shower room

severely punishments 改为 severe punishment

allow women joining the army改为allow women to join the army

some new situations that have never happened before：new和never happened before意思重复，出于字数考虑，偶肯定会去掉new保留从句

manage the issues well：人可以用来manage，budget可以用来manage，issues用address比较好

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87gyhupwn7 · 发表于 2012-12-8 06:01:10

整体感觉不错，想说的感觉都说清楚了。能看出LZ很用功，加油加油。以下批改仅供参考，能力有限，见笑见笑。

Nowadays various industries pay more attention to gender equality and this trend also extends to military sector. Increasingly number of female joins the army which leads to a controversial discussion among people who hold different opinions. Some people think female have the right to join the army as men do while some other people are against with that[this] thought. To my mind, women can play an important role in the army.
First and foremost, from temperament and personality aspect, female always focus on details more than male. Therefore, women can do better in specific area (e.g. intelligence collection, psychological consultancy) of military. Because of severe competition, there will be enormous needs from male soldier (这句话的意思好像有点模糊). Under this kind of circumstances (kind of singular/kinds of plural 单复数前后一致), a female psychologist or consultant with gentle voice would play a key part[role] to ease soldiers’ mind. In addition to this, balance of gender ratio can bring more harmony[harmonious] atmosphere into severe military career.
Of cause, from another angel, military sector should be well prepared to[prepare well on] (为什么用被动？) each aspect of policy and facility while allows women taking[to take] part in the army. For instance, it is a must to keep enough distance between the female’s shower room and the male’s. Meanwhile severely[severe, rigorous] (用了太多次severe了) punishments or laws should be enforced to prevent the possible sexual harassment.
Generally, I believe women can strengthen the military power. Thereby it’s reasonable to allow women joining[to join] the army. This may lead to(create? lead to通常贬义) some new situations that have never happened before, and I think the military sector can definitely work out corresponding solutions in advance to manage the issues(这个the issures距离具体issures有点远，显得有点指代不明) well.

Male和Female最好不要单独做主语。The male do/The female do...或Men do/Women do男人/女人。Male does/Female does...雄性/雌性Play a key role/Play a key part不是可以随意换的，取决你强调主语的"角色性"还是"物理性"。She plays a key role in the team. CPU plays a key part in computer.Allow sb to do/Allow doingthis/that。this通常指代前文所提，that通常指代下文要讲的。建议LZ多积累一些词汇，丰富同义词的使用。比如severe, well就用的有点多了。专用词除外，建议同一个adj和adv在文中出现不要超过两次。

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爱菲的风筝 · 发表于 2012-12-8 06:46:00

what's "Of cause"??

打海淀骗子 · 发表于 2012-12-8 14:09:45

感谢以上的回复，学到很多。

kyhk6488 · 发表于 2012-12-8 14:31:48

雅思5-5.5分水平，建议多看外刊提高水平。感觉像是用中文硬翻译成英文的，比如：Of cause, from another angel, 一般我写On the other side 或者On another side，我看的就很难受，别说英语国家来的雅思考官，希望楼主理解。

MYCMZY · 发表于 2012-12-9 02:27:06

不知道楼主上次雅思写作多少分？但是从我这个角度看的话，大概5.5左右的水平。
用词不是很恰当，譬如固定搭配，这个很重要，要不然你就不nature了。
其次，整个结构不是很清晰，没有明确的signal word
还有，一个观点没有develop well，没有evidence来支持你的thesis statement.
最后，语法存在许多错误。
从task response, lexical range, grammar and cohension and coherence，我感觉
5-5.5左右。

打海淀骗子 · 发表于 2012-12-9 11:20:31

第一次裸考写作6分，看了几天小姨的十天，看来还是要多练，每天两篇...

c4d4h88j · 发表于 2012-12-9 13:29:47

作文不在写多，得仔细改。在质不在量。写多了不该，不但加深了错误的语言习惯，自己也容易产生逆反心理。

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