请大家帮忙看看我的作文(第一篇)

fjbp6533 · 发表于 2013-2-27 15:50:36

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考了四次，第一次7分，第二次6分，第三次6.5分，第四次6分。我需要考到7分。

感觉作文是越写越差，没有把握作文的真谛，也没有意识到自己的问题出在哪里，越是练习多了也没有什么长进。

今天觉得发几篇习作让大家帮忙看看，希望能够帮我找到我最大的弱点和可以提高的地方，先谢谢各位朋友了，尤其是作文有心得或者作文的高分的朋友。

题目：

The government should control the amount of violence in the news media, films and video games to reduce the rate of violent crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

作文：

Nowadays, in order to attract public attention and gain a great deal of financial rewards, many companies add more violent elements in their products, such as news media, films and video games. Some people think that controlling these violent elements would be an efficient way to reduce the violent crime rate. I agree with the statement, but I think it is not enough and we should take other means into consideration as well.

Obviously, the increasing violence information in news, films and games will have negative impact on the public, especially on those individuals who do not have sufficient self-control ability. Among these people, it is the young generation who are relatively easer to be guided to the wrong direction, because they do not have sufficient experience in their lives and they still need quite a long way to become mature enough to resist the attraction of violence. In addition, although it sounds quite unbelievable, there is news that some people follow the ways that are used in the news or films to commit a crime, such as collecting information, buying necessary tools, and planning the crime activity.

However, there are several other means that are more important to reduce the incidence of crime. The most essential one is that we should establish a mechanism to help every individual in the society to build the right value and moral system, which is the fundamental solution to prevent people from committing the crimes. Not only government, but also education institutes and parents play a significant role in this process. Secondly, the overall economic status is another key factor contributing to the crime status. Compared with their developed counterparts, the undeveloped countries tend to have higher crime rate, regardless of their race, region and population, as people in these nations face more economic issues, such as poverty, less education and illness.

To conclude, generally speaking, I agree we should control the violence elements in public media. However, only if we take other solutions into consideration, such as establishing the correct value system and boosting the economy, the crime issue could be tackled more effectively and efficiently.

cgy999 · 发表于 2013-2-27 17:22:16

按照以前教写作的老师的说法，看到第一个词“Nowadays”，你已经没有7分了……
”many companies add more violent elements in their products“，这个语法没有毛病，但是句式很childish。如果写成“more violent elements are added to news, films and video games”会好点

然后雅思作文里，不要出现"I think"，要表明自己观点的时候，说“In my opinion”比“I think”好很多。后面的“it sounds quite unbelievable”太口语化。

语法错误啥的写的时候注意一点，问题不是很大的，你的语法还可以。就是要学习一下多用被动语态，要用academic writing的词，少用口语化的词句。譬如你用了很多more，如果用被动语态和increasing代替more，会给人感觉专业很多。

然后说到最大的问题，你没有明确你的观点。题目问的是To what extent do you agree or disagree？这个题目就是问你同意还是不同意。
你在第一段的说，“ I agree with the statement, but”，这个句子重点应该是在but之后的分句，所以你的观点到底是同意还是不同意？这个需要在第一段明确。最后一段conclusion是写同意的，应该把侧重点放在为什么同意。而你第三段的“However, there are several other means that are more important to reduce the incidence of crime.”，读起来的感觉就是，其实上面都不重要，这样就极大的削弱了你前面一段的supporting ideas。

雅思作文就是八股文，所以你需要的其实只是，第一段说观点，然后后面段落写，这个观点是对的原因1（举例子），这个观点是对的原因2（例子2），最后总结，因为以上原因1和2，这个观点是对的

feitan9bdl · 发表于 2013-2-27 19:37:12

我觉得逻辑还需要加强，语法也有很多错误。
Among these people, it is the young generation who are relatively easer to be guided to the wrong direction, 这句是缺宾语？应该是it is。。。who。。。do sth\that。。。才对吧

第三段的第二个论点不是means or solutions，而是fact，所以展开论点和主题句不符，逻辑不顺

个人意见，欢迎探讨

想想念 · 发表于 2013-2-28 00:13:40

LZ口语怎么提高那么快啊

宫长剑 · 发表于 2013-2-28 04:29:34

Many researchers conclude that there is no causal link between violent video games and aggressive behaviour. Other influences, such as social environment, family background and peer pressure cause aggressive behaviour. Additionally, even if video games might create violent thoughts, according to researchers there is no reason for these thoughts to display themselves in action more than the aggressive thoughts caused by frustration in non-violent video games, or by the fast pace of action films (rather than their content). The small number of people who would be affected by such aggressive thoughts are people who already are habitually violent.

Not only is it wrong for the government to take censorship-like steps against violent video games but it is also impossible to do so effectively. Violent video games will still be available on the internet and, in fact, by restricting the sale of violent video games the government will push would-be users to illegal downloading programmes (through file-sharing systems such as Limewire) and therefore to an increasingly prevalent black market. Furthermore, most games are bought by parents or with their consent. According to industry statistics, 9 out of every 10 video games are sold to adults.

fjbp6533 · 发表于 2013-2-28 10:11:18

谢谢这么详细的建议。非常感谢！

1. 你说的太对了，以后坚决不用"Nowadays"和"With the development of …", "For centuries"开头。我要弄个自己有特色的起始段。
2. 关于主动被动，我怎么感觉应该多用主动语态呀？不过可能有些地方确实比较中式英语。
3. 同意尽量不用“I think". 改用”In my opinion" 或者" from my point of view".
4. 我想表达的意思是"我觉得这个观点是对的，但是不够"。估计这样写可能有些偏离题目。谢谢指出。

fjbp6533 · 发表于 2013-2-28 12:22:38

欢迎你的建议！
我同意第三段第二条不是mean，"Improve the economic status"才是mean。我都没有注意的这么仔细，谢谢。

fjbp6533 · 发表于 2013-2-28 18:07:02

我的经验就是把topic内容写下来，背下来，多说。尽可能多的cover topic。每次考试我都准备了很多新的topic，所以材料和背过的内容就越来越多。
而且我的经验是，流畅度真的很重要，及时有少许语法错误，但是也比你没有语法错误的慢慢说要分数高。在你能力范围内尽可能快些说。
另外就是part 3多有些有新意的观点，如果考官开始对你的说话内容开始感兴趣了，哪怕只有一个问题，基本上就会加分很多。

fjbp6533 · 发表于 2013-3-1 00:30:30

非常好的文章，学习了！
尤其是论证的思路和逻辑，非常流畅合理。
而且学习了其中的"researchers"举例，还有"according to statistics"，这种泛指举例，很好。

fjbp6533 · 发表于 2013-3-1 07:16:16

欢迎更多的朋友拍砖讨论，发现自己的文章自己看着还可以，拿出来一分析简直不能看呀，呵呵。

[雅思杂谈] 请大家帮忙看看我的作文(第一篇)

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