请大家帮忙看看我的作文(第二篇)

woedbot · 发表于 2013-2-28 14:26:53

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考了四次，第一次7分，第二次6分，第三次6.5分，第四次6分。我需要考到7分。

感觉作文是越写越差，没有把握作文的真谛，也没有意识到自己的问题出在哪里，越是练习多了也没有什么长进。

今天发第二篇习作让大家帮忙看看，希望能够帮我找到我最大的弱点和可以提高的地方，先谢谢各位朋友了，尤其是作文有心得或者作文的高分的朋友。

题目：

Good health is a basic human need. Some people believe that medical services should be run by the government rather than by profit-making companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

作文：

It is widely known that people have several levels of requirements, and the ability to survive and to keep a good health is always the fundamental need for human beings. Whether government or companies should run the medical services is a controversial issue. From my point of view, government should play the dominant role on this area.

Obviously, profit-making enterprises have their own advantages for operating medical services, such as big hospitals, in terms of pursuing the best service quality. Facing fierce competitions, most companies must establish extremely effective mechanism to attract more customers, the patients in this case, and the high quality service is absolutely one of the most important means. As a result, people can receive much better services in these hospitals. In addition, in order to build trust with the patients, all the doctors in these hospitals are required to make the prescription as correct as possible, and this is the key to cure people’s illnesses.

On the other hand, government plays more significant role, which cannot be replaced by companies, on medical services. The most essential one is that, unlike their corporation counterparts, public hospitals and medical care centers aim to provide the basic and necessary medical services to all citizens, not only those in the big cities, but also those in the towns, villages, including very remote ones. Running such kind of service in rural areas is not likely to earn much money, therefore, very few or even no companies would like to provide medical services in these regions. Furthermore, with a similar reason, public hospitals can offer the same level of services with much lower price, because government invests a large proportion of the tax in these public medical care facilities.

To conclude, although companies have their own advantages in terms of service quality, I still believe government is the key factor contributing to the success of medical services to all people. And if government could learn the good points from those hospitals managed by companies, all citizens could enjoy much better medical care services in the future.

乐腾腾的包子 · 发表于 2013-2-28 20:36:54

in terms of 会不会用得多了点,这篇比上一篇写得好。

我的最爱SHIN · 发表于 2013-2-28 21:15:21

这篇在论点陈述上比上一篇清晰很多
文章结构上你还需要斟酌。你说的是认为政府应该付主要责任，那应该把陈述重点放在为什么政府要负主要责任上，而不是1v1的写大公司可以建医院和政府的职责上。

My风之子 · 发表于 2013-2-28 23:42:38

我比较同意，楼主的作文有点小偏。
最后一句： And if government could learn the good points from those hospitals managed by companies, all citizens could enjoy much better medical care services in the future. 和主题没什么关系，而且论述部分也没佐证，写在这是何用意？

cmx5h6xg · 发表于 2013-3-1 03:32:46

UK government has stated that as many people as possible should be encouraged to pay for private healthcare in order to relieve the strain on national resources. Critics have understood this as the government prolonging waiting lists until the patients ‘remove themselves’ either by going private, or dying. There is, however, a general understanding that the National Health Service in the UK is overburdened and that increased private healthcare would help to balance this.

Running a nation's health care system is undoubtedly very complex indeed. There is so much the government needs to take responsibility for doing on behalf of all its people to make it work efficiently. But there's also the need for those who are financially able, to take pressure off the public coffers through consistently paying premiums for private health insurance policies.

Now that a greater percentage of the population are taking some responsibility for their own health care, at least some of the pressure will have been taken off the waiting lists for elective surgery. After all, if you have private health insurance and you need surgery, you are not going to put up with waiting for years in a long public queue. It only makes sense that you will take advantage of your private health insurance and have your problem dealt with in a fraction of the time.

It also means that many who would go into public hospitals for various reasons - including maternity - will choose to go into a private hospital instead. Of course, this also takes a considerable degree of pressure off the public health system.

These are just some of the ways in which the public health system is improved for everybody's sake when those who are financially able, have private health cover. This means that we can all receive help from the government with many essential services - and those who are most needy can receive a greater level of assistance.

woedbot · 发表于 2013-3-1 07:59:10

谢谢你的建议。我也觉得这篇论述的清楚一些。至少逻辑比较清晰。
但是结构这个东西真的是我的软肋，我列数论点的时候，基本就是分好的方面几条，不好的方面几条。基本上没有想具体我的主论点具体怎么说的。可能我的主论点描述的有些问题。其实想表达医院还是应该政府来运营。只是描述这个观点的时候描述偏了。

woedbot · 发表于 2013-3-1 08:42:38

最后一句，是从小姨十天看到的，说最后一段可以提一些自己的建议和想法。所以我就给政府提了一些建议，呵呵。可能跟题目论述没有直接的关系。

woedbot · 发表于 2013-3-1 17:12:24

很好的文章，完全没有模板或者固定套路的限制了。估计我要达到这个水平还得有段时间。

d7chyuub0y · 发表于 2013-3-1 21:15:45

你不要把结构这个想的这么复杂，其实雅思作文是八股文，你目标是写作7的话，只要按照八股文写，语法没啥错误，就差不多了。
譬如象你这样要写do you agree or disagree的，可以这样写
第一段：大背景->具体问题->复述题目->agree/disagree（下面用agree举例）
第二段：agree原因1（topic sentence，这个很重要）-> 展开分析->举例子->concluding sentence
第三段：结构同第二段
第四段（可有可无）：如果题目问to what extend，你又想说说反面的，那么结构同上写，可以不举例子，稍微带过就可以。还可以结构同上再写第三个同意的原因
第五段：如果全是正面的就写：由于以上原因1，2，3（每个原因用几个词概括），我认为这个是对的
如果有正有反就写：虽然＊＊＊，但是由于＊＊＊，我认为这个是对的

结构上最关键的，是中间的段落要有topic sentence，让人家一看就知道你要说什么

[雅思杂谈] 请大家帮忙看看我的作文(第二篇)

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