要考试了，大作文一篇，求估分，求批改。

enlalflow · 发表于 2013-5-31 09:28:27

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离7分还有多远？？求大神指正。

Question:

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Nowadays people purchase significantly more consumer goods than they previously did, and the high sales of popular items seem to continually increase. Although it is true that advertising is powerful enough to influence our consuming habits, I believe that the demands of customers also play an important role.

On the one hand, the successful marketing and advertising of business companies are responsible for the increase in the sales of consumer goods. Many companies use advertisements to tell consumers that they have new products which can be used to replace their old ones, and the new arrivals are comparatively efficient and convenient. This definitely will boost the sales of these products, since companies consistently introduce new and better substitutions. On the top of this, the marketing of big companies are always so persuasive that they can convince more people to spend, and some advertisements will make customers realize their potential needs and consequently buy more goods than they normally do.

On the other hand, the customer’s essential needs are the real force that drives the market. If people do not need new products, I think it is hard to persuade them to pay extra money for things that are useless for them. Actually, we do need basic necessities to make lives comfortable and convenient, and it is necessary for us to improve our living standards by using new products that are more technically advanced. For example, it is reasonable for a household which already has television to entertain and receive information, to buy computer and gain access to internet in order to get more engaging entertainments and obtain news more quickly.

In conclusion, I agree that advertising has a significant influence on customers, but the real needs are the first consideration that comes to people’s minds when they are trying to buy something.

1m7j5z9r9h · 发表于 2013-5-31 18:12:17

On the top of this 这句话啥意思呢？放在里面感觉怪怪的
Internet 的首字母永远要大写
On the other hand 这段的说理感觉有点弱，尤其是举例似乎不太切题

如果要我评分，我会给6分：首先词汇没有大词；其次语法虽无大错，但句式缺少多样化，也没有用虚拟语气；第三连接不太顺；第四task response 不充分。

以上意见仅供参考

[]

莼鲈思 · 发表于 2013-6-1 04:39:39

我只有6分，我觉得你的作文还有基础语法错误，高不过6分，这篇给我是 6- 的感觉，句式也很单一，有些地方用词不准确，句子太长了，读的很累，不是句子长就是complex sentence，正反用的笔墨差不多是体现不了你的观点的，赞同的一面要多写点，建议你多看看评分标准，感觉离7分还有很多路要走。个人拙见，仅供参考。

杂体联盟 · 发表于 2013-6-1 13:27:35

写得挺好的呀，虽然我的水平只有6。。。

有些单词写了好几遍，或者有点“低端”，可以找点替换的。
比如：
believe\think -> opine\deem
use -> utilize
needs -> requirements\demands
advertising\advertisment -> commercial (商业广告)

还有，internet貌似在正式文章中首字母要大写？~

xxihill · 发表于 2013-6-2 00:24:16

如果是我的话我给6.5 我之前看剑桥的错误范文估的还算准期待lz的反馈

我是觉得两指宽的大词不需要但是需要一些好的用法可是lz的用法像是中文翻译过去的很多词感觉看着累
其实写作主要就是词你的结构我觉得没问题观点也都平均不需要在这上面改进太多了
如果是我的话我能在这上改的就是
句子结构变化点长短结合
用点简短的用法这个还需要多看simon那种idea才行

不过我写的也不好但是我试试改一个句子
If people do not need new products, I think it is hard to persuade them to pay extra money for things that are useless for them.
--》 I cannot expect consumers to pay for what they do not really need.

07z3v8r0q · 发表于 2013-6-2 08:26:06

我感觉6.5没问题

h834cw12z · 发表于 2013-6-2 16:39:02

5.5..............

enlalflow · 发表于 2013-6-2 21:53:00

好久没上论坛了，前几天一直上不来。本人一雅已经考，成绩listen:6.5 read:7 write:6 speak:7
非常感谢楼上几位的关注，特别是menokino的观点。
我感觉我大作文的水平应该在6.5，至少比6高一点。因为第一次考雅思比较紧张，小作文写的真的不是一般烂，写了20几分钟，而且错误很多（没来得急改），估计小作文上6的可能性极低。那么大作文极有可能就是6分之上了。
此外，我不认同大家对大词的看法。我认为词无大小，区别是用的准不准而已，当然我自己很多时候用的不准，或者很多语境里找不到合适的词用，于是限制了水平。不过我写作水平只限于6分，观点不一定可靠。

忘记或纪念 · 发表于 2013-6-3 04:13:36

我记得应该是 on top of that 吧
而且这个在口语用得比较多，不适合书面。

分分合合1 · 发表于 2013-6-3 12:17:45

同意chenyj0115，on top of 印象中是偏口语化的词

[雅思杂谈] 要考试了，大作文一篇，求估分，求批改。

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