一篇大作文讨论，请高手帮忙分析两种写法

莫向东风怨离别 · 发表于 2013-9-24 07:50:52

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因为一雅作文没有好好准备，现在准备12/07 二雅，从作文开始，这两天一边看范文一边自己写，发现一个问题，请高手帮忙分析一下：

task2 example:  These days people pay more attention to artists(writes, painters, and so)  and give less importance to science and technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

我自己写的时候,思路是这样的：

First paragraph:  introduction, 引出this essay 将要讨论的话题

Second paragraph（我自己是这么写的）:

It is accepted that artists including writers, playactors do large contribution to enrich people's lesure time.  Firstly,  writers 干啥干啥了， secondly, playactors 干啥干啥了等等

Third paragraph(我自己这么写得):

On the other hand, science and techonoly do great help to fullfill people's material need.  然后是 balabala 一堆

Last paragraph:

总结， people should pay at least the equal attention to sicence and technology.



但是我看得一篇范文是这样的:

第一段，第四段就不说了.

第二段:  Indeed, artists have been enjoying huge popularity. By writing, singing and performing other creative activities ...........

第三段:  On the other hand, science and technology play an essential role in our society and such role can never be played down......

他这里都没有举例说，artists  and  techonoly 是怎样对people的生活产生影响的，就是泛泛而谈。

这样我就有些迷惑了，请高手帮忙分析一下。  另外，我还发现，我自己写的时候，老是会走入我自己的那种写法，有点郁闷的说。

hfcu6991 · 发表于 2013-9-24 16:37:16

去simon的网站上面看，step by step也看看，都说了不同类型的怎么写。

靠被恶心到了 · 发表于 2013-9-25 01:38:32

It is accepted that artists including writers, playactors do large contribution to enrich people's lesure time. Firstly, writers 干啥干啥了， secondly, playactors 干啥干啥了等等

I would like to share with you what I would go about it if you are interested. All the artists make the similar significant contributions to the society, such as enrich our daily life, being big tax-payers, set up perfect role models in the society to help us grow.

You can give some examples to back up your arguments, but you don't have to talk about their contributions separately. If you do, you are gonna run out of your word allowance even in one kind!

乐逸士 · 发表于 2013-9-25 09:55:47

Third paragraph(我自己这么写得):
On the other hand, science and techonoly do great help to fullfill people's material need. 然后是 balabala 一堆

You seem to be on the right track in this paragraph! But please keep in mind that whatever arguments you are for or against, there should be an example to prove that!

Good luck!

莫向东风怨离别 · 发表于 2013-9-25 13:11:31

对的，我的疑问就在这里，如果详细写任何一中artist，都会使文章的字数大大超过。因此这个地方还是要写成你写得那样，然后举一个famous writer 或是 painter 或是singer example?

放肆的年华 · 发表于 2013-9-25 20:32:53

One more idea about the artists' contribution: They are the best represemtitives of the the era they live in. The arts they presented are the best resources the next generation can draw upon when it comes to the history.

I'll post something else if possible.

llome702 · 发表于 2013-9-25 21:49:41

看了Step by step，明白了topic和controlling idea的重要性，即controlling idea是限制topic的方向的，而supporting sentence不能脱离controlling idea。

以题目为例，These days people pay more attention to （controlling idea，限定方向） artists(writes, painters, and so) 【topic】 and give less importance to（controlling idea，限定方向） science and technology 【topic】.

因此，题目要求讨论的是人们重视一方而轻视一方，范文则紧紧扣题（1.enjoying huge popularity，2.such role can never be played down），“artists and techonoly 是怎样对people的生活产生影响的”可以说，但最多仅仅作为其中一个supporting sentence支持“为什么重视/轻视”，而不能作为讨论主要部分。

hrjf3971 · 发表于 2013-9-26 02:06:25

我想了想有两种改法，个人也拿不准，欢迎对step by step参悟比较深的同学来讨论。

一、在范文的主体段总起句后加入限定范围。
1. Indeed, artists have been enjoying huge popularity, as they do large contribution to enrich people's lesure time.
2. On the other hand, the efforts of science and techonoly can never be played down, because they do great help to fullfill people's material need.
然后就可以继续回到原来的思路中，讨论两者怎样对people的生活产生影响的了。
但这样写似乎使得文章偏向于只讨论他们的重要性，而忽视了人们为什么关注他们，重要性只是获得关注的其中一个方面。

二、按照范文的写法。
1. Indeed, artists have been enjoying huge popularity. ...媒体曝光度啊...role model啊...多个角度阐释获得关注的原因
2. On the other hand, science and technology play an essential role in our society and such role can never be played down. ...科技对生活影响啊...对生产影响啊...
这样写似乎比较全面，但需要作者的全盘思维，不能简单套模板的例子只讨论艺术家科学家的贡献。

哪种写法好？

起诉淘宝 · 发表于 2013-9-26 06:28:28

lz看看范文的第一段是怎么写的，因为第一段决定了后面的走向，因为有可能中立有可能偏向一方，两种处理的方式有所不同。

范文和你的主体段不一样很正常，你第二段的主题是丰富人们的生活做出了很大的贡献是接受的，那后面的就是围绕这个来。范文是受欢迎，当然就围绕着为什么受欢迎来的。所以不是说范围的东西就是对的，而你的就是错的。

不过你第二段的意思是这个是接受的，多少多少有些不好展开。在开始写之前先要针对问题想为什么，这个为什么是这样的，有什么好处，重要性，适当添加例子陈述。比如，范围第二段就是这样处理的，这个受欢迎，为什么，比如：人们业余生活的需要，收入高。

还有playactor这个单词很奇怪，就用actor。It is accepted应该是it is acceptable。

kf55hujzyq · 发表于 2013-9-26 17:49:03

为什么关注就可以用重要性来说明。第二段可以写there are some reasons……，然后其中一个reason就可以说明重要性，另外一个就可以用收入高之类来说明。

[雅思杂谈] 一篇大作文讨论，请高手帮忙分析两种写法

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