【交流帖】10月12日a类雅思大作文题目习作，求切磋

短发的 · 发表于 2013-10-22 08:16:31

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Economic progress is often used to measure acountry's success. However, some people believe that other factores are more important. What other factors should also be considered when measuring a country's success? Do you think one factor is more important than others?

Currently, an increasing number of people realize that there are many factors contributing to the success of a nation, besides economic development. To me, I believe that social welfare and democracy should be included.

It is obvious that in a great country, all people can live peacefully and affluently with esteem. The rapid progress of economy can surely increase the living standard of the vast majority of citizens, but still, there are plenty of vulnerable members in this world. So, a successful country should pay enough attention to the disadvantaged group and provide aid to them through an effective welfare system. Only by doing so can individuals in this country enjoy the benefits brought by the great power.

Moreover, the history of humanity has proven that democracy can help countries maintain their long-lasting booming of development. For example, Germany had achieved excellent performance in the domain of domestic economy before World War II. However, the fascist regime drove its people into the cruel warfare, and thus, destroyed the happiness of millions of families. If the German government had been under control by a democratic political system, this tragedy might not have happened for ever.

Personally, I agree that the development of a nation is a complicated process, of which all the elements that I have mentioned above are organic components. If people gave priority to any of them, the country might just drive to a wrong direction on the high way leading to prosperity, with leaving other critical factors behind. Consequently, we must respect the law of development and draw up a long-term developing program perfectly.

In sum, when we are measuring whether a country is developed or not, we should think of various factors in different aspects, instead of just focusing on the economy, since they have equal significance.

西丽湖啦 · 发表于 2013-10-22 14:41:51

写的太好了。。。

短发的 · 发表于 2013-10-22 17:07:32

我感觉第四段的论证稍弱了点。Any suggestion？

另外，为什么你的口语写作越考越差呢？

wnig7851 · 发表于 2013-10-23 03:45:35

我也奇怪啊。。。哎。。。口语应该是考官问题，作文应该是现在题型变了，以前就是讨论，我才拿的6分，以后都是要讨论加措施之类。。。至今还没有4*6.

你说的是回答第二个问题的第四段，如果2个问题都要一样的篇幅，可能是少点。但是如果这个段落增加内容，则篇幅太长。综上看来，2,3合成一段。第4段扩展，分成几点，我认为各个要素都很重要，要考虑综合水平。首先，一方面短，必然表示这个国家在这个方面很弱。其次，过分强调一个方面重要，将影响政治导向，会发展失衡。试想，经济高度发达，诚信极端低下的国家是成功的吗。呵呵，仅供参考。

短发的 · 发表于 2013-10-23 07:00:05

根据我本人的统计，2013年G类写作题目中，report类占比高达50%。外面卖的教材都是针对A类的，所以他们说report占比很少。如果你不好好练习如何写report，那恐怕很难提高。

helpnemo · 发表于 2013-10-23 15:28:11

德国的例子不适合说明民主的胜利
而且民主是一个体制又不是指标也不适合度量国家的成功的

你还不如简单的写教育普及率，文盲的比例，医疗的覆盖率，贫困人口的比例，这些

hbr95ham · 发表于 2013-10-23 19:13:54

题目问“衡量国家的成功还有什么其他标准，某个因素比其他因素都更重要吗？”感觉LZ论证还是有些薄弱，翻译成中文就很明显了，比如第二段：
It is obvious that in a great country, all people can live peacefully and affluently with esteem. The rapid progress of economy can surely increase the living standard of the vast majority of citizens, but still, there are plenty of vulnerable members in this world. So, a successful country should pay enough attention to the disadvantaged group and provide aid to them through an effective welfare system. Only by doing so can individuals in this country enjoy the benefits brought by the great power.
显然在伟大的国家里，人们可以有尊严地安宁而富裕地生活着。经济的快速发展必然提高大多数人们的生活水准，但是这个世界上仍然有很多弱势群体。所以，一个成功的国家应该对弱势群体给予必要关注，以及提供有效的福利系统来援助他们。只有这样，个人才可以享受强国带来的好处。

参考step by step，首句应该是点题的topic sentence，然后剩下的supporting sentence要围绕controlling idea来论述。此处想说还有福利因素，就应该首句标明出来，而esteem与福利没关系吧，剩下每句之间的逻辑链都太弱了。

试写个思路：还有福利也是重要评价因素——福利关系到人们是否可以安居乐业——生活有了保障才可以发挥潜能与创造性到自己喜欢的事业上——从而鼓励创业经济旺盛——国家才会成功

PS：自己也才考到6分，离目标7分还很远，但看了step by step明晰了方向，故分享之，共勉。

遥瑞彩 · 发表于 2013-10-24 02:47:06

是不是我们用中文写作文可以写的比较有逻辑，那么干脆先用中文，再翻译成英文，是不是个捷径？

短发的 · 发表于 2013-10-24 12:28:05

I don't think so。因为语言是文化的载体，在语言这个表象背后，有很深层次的传统文化、思维模式等差异。有很多东西是无法翻译的，只可意会不可言传。

短发的 · 发表于 2013-10-24 13:03:12

我的逻辑关系是这样的：
“in a great country, all people can live peacefully and affluently with esteem”是我本人设定的一个前提，假定great country（替换country's success）都是这样（live peacefully and affluently with esteem）。所以，如果一个国家要成功，也必须这样做——通过关注弱势群体而让他们都得到帮助，享受到强国带来的好处。至于with esteem，可有可无，删掉也不影响大意，保留也不会有啥负面影响。

首句是否必须是中心句呢？这个不一定，中文写作没有这样的规矩，英文写作也一样没有。剑桥里面的考官范文就有很多不是把首句定为中心句的。当然，把首句设为中心句是大多数人的做法，这样更保险一点。

Anyway，你的观点也可以让我从另一角度去思考，感谢。

[雅思杂谈] 【交流帖】10月12日a类雅思大作文题目习作，求切磋

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