再发一篇作文！请大虾们不要手软啊

纯_黒\sè · 发表于 2013-12-30 22:24:10

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Cambridge testing 9, General testing 1.

Being celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits.

Do you  think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

During the past decades, along with the rapid development of culture industry and various sports spread worldwide, more and more movie starts and sports celebrities stand in front of the public sight.  They usually live in a luxury lifestyle with exaggerated houses and vehicles which admired by ordinary people. However, there is a heated debate about the advantages and drawbacks for being a celebrity.  This essay will discuss that it will bring more disadvantages than benefits as a celebrity. (79)

There is no doubt that being a celebrity enjoys several benefits which is unreachable for normal individuals.  It is widely acknowledged that they are able to receive huge amount of wealth simply by playing roles in movies and TV programs, or presenting in commercial advertisements. For example, David Beckham, one of the most famous soccer players, earns ten million US dollars for just one year commercial contract with Adidas sports. Besides abundant wealth for them when they are famous, we also obtain higher social position and public recognition among the society as a whole. Thus, it will turn out good for them to utilize their influences and advantages to pursue more fortune and wealth. (118)

However, there are some drawbacks for celebrities which cannot be ignored as well.  People hold this opinion think that there is no possibility for those celebrities keeping personal or their family in private.  Every day, they are under the massive media spotlights, including both traditional media (TV and newspapers) and emerging modern media (internet and social connections) which result in they are unable to do shopping as normal people or send their children to go to school. To some extent, the more often they are exposed to the public, the more negative influences on their regular daily life and even on their next generations’ growth.  (105)

Despite it will likely to bring great fortune and wealth for celebrities, however, in my opinion, the drawbacks overweigh the benefits when we look deep inside the negative influences on their daily lives in the long run.  As a celebrity, they should aware their public responsibilities and drive more positive influences to the public to receive the deserved reputation. In the meantime, they should be more appropriate with their behaviors to avoid those unidentified rumors or scandals.  (77)

Total:  379

hau750jwy · 发表于 2013-12-31 03:56:18

1，culture－cultural；
2， live in a luxury lifestyle －lifestyle 不是用来live in 换成lead a luxury lifestyle ；
3，admired 被动语态没有be动词；
4，discuss 后面不该跟着你的论点This essay will discuss this topic, and it argues that being a celebrity  will bring more disadvantages than benefits.
5, ，"There is no doubt that being a celebrity enjoys several benefits which is unreachable for normal individuals.  It is widely acknowledged that "，第二段这一堆说完了，才开始讲你要说的东西，事先背好的东西凑字数不是好习惯，你已经写了那么多字了～不需要；
6，we？？？
7， position（s）；
8，keep personal？？what？
9，Every day逗号？do you mean“ In their daily lives”？
10，result（s）in （that）
11，To some extent, the more often they are exposed to the public, the more negative influences on their regular daily life and even on their next generations’ growth.  提出观点，却没有解释？为什么呢？

建议lz少背小姨的句子文章，脚踏实地从基本语法开始练习，无意冒犯，但是lz的语法现阶段还不足以hold住那么复杂的句子。

gbdz2769 · 发表于 2013-12-31 06:04:33

In the past decades, along with the rapid growth of show business and sport industry, more and more "stars" and sport celebrities are put under spotlights. They usually live luxurious lives, with extravagant houses and expensive cars, which are admired by the public...

钝钝小猪 · 发表于 2013-12-31 17:48:00

佩服，我的写作烂的一塌糊涂

不戒僧人 · 发表于 2014-1-1 03:28:23

还没来得及看内容，但是看到379，我就晕了。379字啊，考场上能写的完么？我觉得练习还是控制在300字以内好些。

个人觉得，开头段和结尾段太复杂了。因该简化一下。

g0xhyuuh0j · 发表于 2014-1-1 11:58:29

1. exaggerated 可修饰houses和vehicles么？我不确定啊，
2. which admired by ordinary people.
－》which are
or -> admired by ..
3. advantages and drawbacks
－》advantages and disadvantages
or
-> benefits and drawbacks
4. disadvantages than benefits
see 3.
5. There is no doubt that being a celebrity enjoys several benefits which is unreachable for normal individuals.
5.1 enjoys -> has 作为名人这个行为不能enjoy吧？是人去enjoy（我自己想的啊）
5.2 which is
-> which are
or
-> , which is

6. Besides abundant wealth for them when they are famous, we also
6.1
-> remove "for them when they are famous"
6.2
we -> they

7. there are some drawbacks for celebrities which cannot be ignored as well.
which -> that

8. People hold this opinion think
hold -> holding
or
-> who hold

9. there is no possibility for those celebrities keeping personal or their family in private.
keeping -> to keep

10. which result in they are unable to do shopping as normal people or send their children to go to school.
-> , which means they are

11. their next generations’ growth.
不地道，我也不知道怎么改才好。

12. Despite it will likely to bring great fortune and wealth for celebrities, however,
12.1 will -> is
12.2 hower, -> ;however, (注意前面是分号）

13. they should aware their public responsibilities
aware -> be aware of

14. In the meantime, they should be more appropriate with their behaviors to avoid those unidentified rumors or scandals.
求此句的中文翻译，谢谢。

认真读完，lz观点蛮好的，学习了。

股票研究所20 · 发表于 2014-1-1 13:04:29

还有一点，据说，是据说啊。。，少用这样的句子：

There is no doubt that...
It is widely acknowledged that ...

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