12.7 g类大作文，6分，回忆，望轻喷

妞妞的小背心 · 发表于 2013-12-26 06:38:11

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大作文科技让越来越多人可以长寿到100,200岁，这是好还是坏，你的观点？

In the context of technical development, a growing number of people are expected to live longer. Some individuals believe it is good, whilst others concern about it. In this essay, this phenomenon will be discussed.

Those who think it can cause problems may hold the view that the soaring number of elderly people would be a heavy burden of the society. That is mainly because the welfare of these elder people will cost considerable money, and the youth will have to pay a lot of tax to support this public welfare. As a result of that, the living quality of young people will be impacted negatively.

On the other hand, others who believe this trend is a good thing might argue that the youth can learn a lot of life experience from the growing number of old people. This is due primarily to the fact that these old people may have much more experience than young people. If the senior citizens are willing to share their experience, the youth would be more mature. Therefore, these young people are more likely to adopt to a new environment and less likely to make mistakes.

In my opinion, the increasing number of elderly people enables people to have a whole family. Therefore their feeling of well-being will be raised. In contrast, in the past, people could not live as longer as they do today, so some people could not even see their grandparents. They might more or less feel a loss of their life. Being able to see more family will help people lead a happy life, and this is particularly important in countries where people place emphasis on family members.

In conclusion, although there is a concern of the growing number of elders, I believe it will bring more benefits.

可以看见，lz考试的时候觉得这题很简单，写in conclusion 的时候正好监考说还剩下20分钟，后面20分钟全部用来检查了，可是考完和GF（同时考试最后GF作文7分，虽然她福利拼错了）讨论后才发现，题目没看完整，完全忽视了科技，一次也没提到，大家想考7 真心建议题目先审 5分钟再下笔! 题目里每个名词和每个动词都很重要！！！

ps： a good thing我知道用的很遭，我看过这篇 http://www.localau.com/thread-968114-1-1.html ，但是题目是这么写的我才大胆的抄下去的！：）

最新打法3333 · 发表于 2013-12-26 06:56:04

楼主文章写得还行。
In my opinion,那一段，感觉有点啰嗦。还不如在第一段表明态度，然后这一段当做论点。

妞妞的小背心 · 发表于 2013-12-26 10:14:52

这是discuss both sides and give your own view的哦的～

08gyhuaan5 · 发表于 2013-12-26 21:20:31

我也写写看，一起进步。

Modern technical development, especially in medical science, helps people live longer. Some worry about the burden imposed by these elder people ,whilst others tend to view a longer life expectancy with positive attitudes. In my opinion, I agree with the idea that  individuals can benefit from this trend.

Those who see elderly people as  a heavy burden of the society may base on the fact that aging releated problems have become a very serious issue amoung many countries. This is maily because it costs  considerable money to support or faciliate the elders' lives , as a consequence, the working people have to pay more taxes, decreasing other's people  living standards.

On the other hand, the society can benefit from the knowledge and experience of old people. With decades of work experience and comprehensive knowledge in a specific area, old people can impart their knowledge to younger generation, helping the country develop its economy and gain competitive advantages.

Another benefit of increasingly elderly people is to enable more people to have a whole family. Nowadays , children have more chances to spend their childhood with their grandparents. According to sociological research, a big and complete family can help people lead a happier life because  the emotional ties amoung faimily members  which can be can be strengthed can increase people's social well-being dramatically.

In conclusion, the growing number of elders may cause social problems to our society. However, more benefits can be given to people in terms of elderly people's knowldge and positive effects on family members.

fbdhehicr · 发表于 2013-12-26 21:58:12

Those who think it can cause problems may hold the view that soaring number of elderly people be a heavy burden of the society

严重语法错误：从句中的be 应为would be。

the youth a lot of life experience from the growing number of old people

另一严重语法错误：从句中缺失谓语。

左右莫逢源 · 发表于 2013-12-27 05:01:29

1207的题目是argument-led，要求discuss both sides。你这文章的结构完全不符合题目要求。

妞妞的小背心 · 发表于 2013-12-27 12:14:07

谢谢提醒，这是打字漏的，这样的错手写根本不可能有～

妞妞的小背心 · 发表于 2013-12-27 22:09:32

不提科技就算跑题的，我这篇就跑题了，加上结构和语法错误，您这篇恕我直言，未必能拿到您两次得成绩5.5.

唯恋你 · 发表于 2013-12-28 07:58:05

误会了，我是改写楼主的文章。
主要的意思是没变的，只是把句子整理一下。

林小楼0 · 发表于 2013-12-28 10:14:38

我觉得你还需要加强语法和单词，至少“amoung”这样的错误是要尽量减少的，好几处主谓不一致会扣很多分，连贯性还需要加强，楼主文章的连贯性比你改写后的要好一些，逻辑论证不够合理论点和支持句关系不紧密，综上，楼主能得6分，你改写的文章5~5.5分，一家之言仅供参考，共同切磋一起进步，祝早日拿到理想分数。

[雅思杂谈] 12.7 g类大作文，6分，回忆，望轻喷

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