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13#
发表于 2011-11-12 16:43:01
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只看该作者
来自： INNA
不敢当啊，千万别这样，我也是平凡人一个。。。说得不对还请大家指正。
Some people prefer to provide help and support for those in their
local community who need it. Others prefer to give money to national
and international charitable organizations. Discuss both view and five
your own opinion.
It is obvious[不建议用这种语气太强太过肯定的词] that different people choose varied ways to contribute to charity. Some people give a helping hand to the local Community[大小写与题目不一致], while others favour supporting[语法错，要用正常的主谓结构] national and worldwide charitable groups financially. Means of charity are really crucial since they lead to so distinctive results.[这里引出观点了吗？这个观点是不合适的，不对应题目要求]
Supporting the local community is much easier to carry out and monitor.[主题句没啥问题，但是总觉得较肤浅，不深刻，还缺点什么]
People are more familiar with the status and know who really need help[衔接很不好，这句疑问太多了，people指谁，status指什么，need help是哪些方面的help]. Therefore, they can directly help the local organization or individual solve issues. Compared with other forms of charity, this kind of support can give more money to the community[这个很牵强] and can put into action more quickly. Moreover, contributors can easily monitor whether the local community allocates the money to targeted places. This can make the donation more transparency[词性错] and avoid possible misuse of funds. For example, an individual, funding lunches(?) for all students in the domestic high school, can go to the dining hall to verify whether his money is spent on(->in) improving dinners and building healthy menus[这句话怎么看都不通]. However, this view may not help plenty of people[view helps people??，chinglish] since it only focuses on the local area. Indeed, the world is full of problems and so many people need instant support[论证逻辑和思路都很混乱].
By contrast, as large charitable organizations open plenty of branches
everywhere, they can help much more people. For example, in the Wenchun earthquake, a great deal of help from worldwide charitable rganoizations strongly supports the recovery and relief. Without those, people’s lives in Wenchun can not go back to normal so quickly. Despite that, (这段后面看不下去了) low percentage of funds used in actual charity work and long duration to implement the plan are criticised by the public. Specifically, the cost to maintain such kind of organization should be a lot higher. Sometimes, it may take longer to implement the charity plan because of loads of processes ad procedures to follow.
To sum up, helping the local community offers more benefits to charity
since it is highly efficient and easy to control. However, in huge disasters, the involvement of the global organizations is also necessary. (结论和题目要求不怎么对应，稍微修改下应该还是可以回应题目的要求的)
具体怎么论述，用什么样的论据才能逻辑性强，有说服力，这点楼主更有发言权。我就不参和了。
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楼主
