每日一作文(2014.3.20) - (剑5-test3-task2) - 求批

n8nhyuuy1l · 发表于 2014-3-20 00:07:00

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剑5-Test3-Task2

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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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The world we are living is a place full of competition and cooperation. As to competition and cooperation, which one should be encouraged to be taught to children, different people's views vary. Some demand their children be taught to be competitive; Others regard cooperation as the most important thing that is learnt at school. The following essay will discuss both opinions.

On one hand, children with a sense of cooperation would have more friends than those having a sense of competition. In the process of cooperation, children involved would have to get to know each other, discussing the top and addressing the difficulty they might encounter. In this way, they would become friends. Children who are taught to be competitive, however, would exclude other children in the same group, thus leading to having less friends.

Further more, children who are willing to cooperate would learn more quickly and know more. As they have a large circle of friends, they and their friends would exchange information among them, discussing something new and giving helpful advices whenever one of them has difficulty in learning something. By means of this, their knowledge expands rapidly. In contrary, competitive children who lack of friends could only learn something new by themselves. It is rather limited and slow.

Finally, cooperation helps to build teamwork spirit, which is perhaps the essential ability in modern society. No project nowadays does not need teamwork. Children cooperating with others could benefit from their cooperation, learning the teamwork spirit; those who are not willing to cooperate are likely to loss the opportunity to learn the spirit.

In short, for children, being taught to be cooperative is much more important than being encouraged to be competitive in terms of friendship, learning and teamwork spirit building.

可可西上 · 发表于 2014-3-20 06:36:07

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Childhood is an important phase in one’s life. The lessons learned in an early age may have a great impact on building up people’s personalities. It has been heated discussed, recently, whether the sense of competition or the awareness of cooperation should be encouraged. In this essay, both sides will be discussed and personal understanding will be clarified.

It is fairly reasonable that children are motivated to learn to compete in some aspects. Firstly, children are more likely to be well-trained in the process of competition. It is a rather common phenomenon that Chinese parents send their children to all kinds of tutorial classes where children are given varied practices and competitions. As a result, the performances of children who have received competition trainings tend to outweigh those who have not. Secondly, children will find drawbacks and learn from others through competition. It is much easier for children to see their shortcomings especially when they lost the competition. Finally, children encouraged to develop the sense of competition, to some extents, are also taught to make themselves better individuals, thus, it may keep children pursuing a better standard of life.

On the other hand, I can understand why people insist of teaching children how to cooperate. For one thing, the ability to cooperation and collaboration is essential in modern life. When college students seek for jobs, they are often required to show their capability to work in a team. Team players are preferentially considered in a job interview. For another, it is a good way that children make friends during cooperation in which children are expected to communicate and share thoughts.

In conclusion, both competition and cooperation do good to children’s developments. It is highly recommended that children should be taught on both aspects.

同准备雅思同求批改

n8nhyuuy1l · 发表于 2014-3-20 13:20:32

你的写的比我的好多了。词汇上比我丰富，语法上比我的复杂。

不过我发现你里面有一个比较明显的语法错误："insist of"。另外，Task2里面最好不要用第一人称。所以，你的这一局应该可以修改一下。 “I can understand why people insist of teaching children how to cooperate”。

以上仅限个人意见。

yftk4823 · 发表于 2014-3-20 21:20:13

“Task2里面最好不要用第一人称” 的说法不准确。剑桥雅思的考官范文里用第一人称的例子有大把，不知道你被谁误导了。

bcqqmnephu · 发表于 2014-3-21 06:48:43

你这个题目属于argument-led的类型，要求先对双方观点进行解读，然后给出你的观点。你的文章结构有点问题，第一方的观点论述较为详细，但第二方的论述（第三段）明显比第二段字数少了很多。而且雅思写作中每段第一句基本上要摆出本段观点，从而引出后面的论据。On the other hand, I can understand why people insist of teaching children how to cooperate 实在是一个败笔，毫无意义，比起第二段的 It is fairly reasonable that children are motivated to learn to compete in some aspects 差了一个档次。

最后一段草草收场，完全无法对应首段最后一句 personal understanding will be clarified。Both competition and cooperation do good to children’s developments 这句后面至少要再增加一句，对你的观点进行支持性论证。

其他一些问题：

when they lost the competition 应为：when they lost in competitions

fairly意味着只有60%的程度，所以建议你更换为really或quite或直接It is reasonable that ……

the ability to cooperation and collaboration 应为 the ability of cooperation and collaboration

in modern life 建议改为in modern society

communicate and share thoughts 建议改为 communicate with each other and share their thoughts

综上所述，给你6分。

FlanvatJaft · 发表于 2014-3-21 07:56:54

给一楼：

Some demand their children be taught to be competitive 这里的demand用词不准确。demand表示命令性质的要求，这里应该是“期望”expect吧：Some expect that their children could be taught to be competitive.

你的文章结构比二楼的更不平衡了，直接把argument-led的文章写成了thesis-led的架构，无语。

children involved would have to get to know each other, discussing the top and addressing the difficulty they might encounter 这句语法毛病比较严重，应为：children would have to get to know each other, discuss the topic and address the problems they might encounter

they would become friends 建议改为 they would become friends finally

综上所述，给你5-5.5

pwjiw · 发表于 2014-3-21 10:49:56

一楼的语法多样性和词汇功力很棒！
但一楼的文章，没有紧密扣题。
在上班，没时间看二楼了。

和DELL斗争到底 · 发表于 2014-3-21 20:04:52

不过，我这五分也就不在这白乎了。

xhwxd · 发表于 2014-3-22 03:30:36

说的都很有道理！！不愧是大神！我会注意的.现在在准备六级，和雅思作文差别太大了！！

27udx21m · 发表于 2014-3-22 11:09:50

第一人称的确是个问题，不过我看到前考官很多地方也有第一人称！jiuhenmihuo

[雅思杂谈] 每日一作文(2014.3.20) - (剑5-test3-task2) - 求批

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