step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

无聊不 · 发表于 2011-12-7 15:19:10

请yrqin再帮我看看，谢谢。另外，我每次文章都写很长，怎么才能写短些呢？

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?

In contemporary society, good medical treatment is a fundamental demand of human beings. There are two options for patients in most countries which are public hospital and private hospital. This essay will argue that the outstanding benefits of private health care are particularly worth mentioning comparing with its drawbacks. The reasons for my position are as follows.

Firstly, private hospitals tend to be more efficient and effective than public hospitals in patient treatment mechanism. Most patients are appointed to and then followed up by the same private doctor at all times who would gain sound understandings of their illness condition. Some private hospitals also afford special service of treating people at home, which would be particularly beneficial to elderly and disabled people. The sick in private hospitals, as a result, would probably receive the most immediate and appropriate health treatments. In contrast, unlike in private hospitals, there are far more patients in public hospitals because of their free or low cost. Consequently, the sick persons there are likely to suffer more by a long time waiting.

Further and more importantly, people under private health care seem to be entitled to receive better treatments, both in medical facilities and professional doctors. It mainly attributes to the fact that private medical organizations are mostly profit-making companies. To attract more clients, they have to allocate more money than non-profit hospitals to purchase advanced medical equipments and to employ excellent experts. In all likelihood, it is in this way that the sick could get more recovery chances.

Admittedly, private heath care is generally costly, especially to the impoverished and the unemployed, but its competitive and supplementary positions cannot be neglected. The potential threatens of private hospitals could probably avoid monopoly on medical care and impel public hospitals continuously to improve their services. Besides, to release pressures of increasing medical demands and tight government budget these days, private health organizations are also well-advised to offer chargeable services to those who can afford them.

In conclusion, private organizations deserve recommendation in terms of efficiency, facilities and even technology. Private and public health care are also not mutually exclusive and both of them should be involved in national medical system.

逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-7 15:32:22

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?

In contemporary society, good medical treatment is a fundamental demand of human beings. [Regarding places offering treatment,这样顺畅不少] There are two options for patients in most countries which are public hospital and private hospital. This essay will argue that the outstanding benefits of private health care are particularly worth mentioning comparing with its drawbacks. The reasons for my position are as follows.

Firstly, private hospitals tend to be more efficient and effective than public hospitals in patient treatment mechanism. Most patients are appointed to and then followed up by the same private doctor at [all->most] times who would gain sound understandings of their illness condition. Some private hospitals also afford special service of treating people at home, which would be particularly beneficial to elderly and disabled people. The sick in private hospitals, as a result, [would probably->can,这里would用的太多了，可以用can，could等等替换] receive the most immediate and appropriate health treatments. In contrast, unlike in private hospitals, there are far more patients in public hospitals because of their free or low cost. Consequently, the sick persons there are likely to suffer more [by->because of] a long time waiting.[这一段这么长只写了1到2个优点，如果题目要你论述private service和public service那个更efficient，更effective，那么你这个主体段是很好的，那么下一个主体段就可以写public service在那些方面做得不好，所以不够efficient，不够effective。但是，题目的要求却不是这样的，而是要你直接比较private service本身的优缺点，因而主题句过于狭窄了。换句话说，你这个主体段的主题句定的不好，所以你才需要下面那个主体段继续论述private service的好处。这也就导致了篇幅过长的问题。其实这个把简单的事情弄复杂了。你把这两段的主要内容合并，重写一个主题句，然后从新组织一个主体段，主要论述private service的优点就好了]

Further and more importantly, people under private health care seem to be entitled to receive better treatments, both in medical facilities and professional doctors. It mainly attributes to the fact that private medical organizations are mostly profit-making companies. To attract more clients, they have to allocate more money than non-profit hospitals to purchase advanced medical [equipments,只有单数形式吧？] and to employ excellent experts. In all likelihood, it is in this way that the sick could get more recovery chances.

Admittedly, private heath care is generally costly, especially to the impoverished and the unemployed, but its competitive and supplementary positions cannot be neglected，还是布局谋篇的问题，你的观点里认为private servie优点比缺点多，那么前面论述了优点多，列举了和说明了各种好处，那么这里就应该是让步段了，你应该直接列举并说明private service的缺点（不要太多就行了）。不要怕，你就直接列吧，不需要说这些缺点无所谓，好解决。这个你不需要担心，也不需要论述。这一段你就列几个缺点，完了。简单明了。最后在最后一段就直接得出你的结论吧。. The potential threatens of private hospitals could probably avoid monopoly on medical care and impel public hospitals continuously to improve their services. Besides, to release pressures of increasing medical demands and tight government budget these days, private health organizations are also well-advised to offer chargeable services to those who can afford them.

In conclusion, private organizations deserve recommendation in terms of efficiency, facilities and even technology. Private and public health care are also not mutually exclusive and both of them should be involved in national medical system，有些许离题了，因为你前文并没有论述到这点. [结尾段写的比较乱，你看我上次给你的建议吧。那是很正宗的写法，也比较不容易出错]

总的来说，感觉你对这个题目的写法不是很明确，信心也不是很足，布局谋篇方面略显逊色了。
（不过不要灰心啊，好的地方很多，表扬的话我就不罗嗦了）

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vl45hujrxn · 发表于 2011-12-7 19:54:26

我发现我确实有点走题了。这种题目的要求是肯定要两方都要论述吧？这种不能写一边倒吧？我写都有点偏向一边倒了，yrqin真是火眼金睛。稍后我修改一下发上来。谢谢yrqin！

g4bhyuug5j · 发表于 2011-12-7 22:14:56

又写了篇，觉得扣题了，但是用词比较平淡。
=================
Economic growth has made people richer both in developing countries and developed countries. However, studies show that people in developing countries are happier than before while people in developed countries are not.
What are the causes of this phenomenon and what lessons can we learn from it?
In the past decade, unparalleled economic development has happened globally. However, unlike individuals in developed countries, most of the people in developing countries tend to feel more satisfied with their lives than in the past.

It is true that the increase of the living standards make people in developing countries feel happy, while individuals in rich countries are not simply satisfied by economic growth and they need more. Firstly, in the past, due to lack of food, people usually could not get enough nutrition and consequently lived in poor lives. But now, they could have enriched kinds of food including not only fresh food cultivated locally but also processed food produced remotely. Therefore, they have a higher level of happiness. At the same time, it is a totally different story for people living in developed countries. They are facing more issues spiritually after they have already lived in abundant lives. Due to stressful work and fast-paces life, the elderly could not get enough care from their own children who are struggling to keep their jobs or manage to get an excellent career development. So they miss the golden moments of the past when economics did not develop so fast.

Based on the discussion above, it is time for all of us to think about what contributes to the sense of happiness. I think people should pay attention to spiritual satisfaction when pursuing material development. A person is not a robot who can keep working and earning money. Individuals need to spend quality time with the family and enjoy various ways of recreation. Economic growth could not necessarily brings happiness to everyone because stress and isolation comes along with it.

In conclusion, I believe the different feelings regarding economic growth reflect that economic development does contribute to the sense of happiness, but it is not the whole story, as spiritual satisfaction equally plays important role in it.

fds8x952w · 发表于 2011-12-8 10:01:40

There is an ongoing debate of whether the process of globalization results in the fact that cultural identity will vanish. Some argue it is inevitable. As I see it, globalization is being intensified, and the main reason is largely due to the demands of economic development. In this essay, two aspects of such demands will be outlined：

One side of needs from economic development is that the impact of dominant communication is massive to the minority cultures. Because of their instinct of pursuit to profit, dominant communication only focuses on their own cultures to spread over the world instead of minority cultures. Hollywood blockbusters, NBA playoffs and all similar television shows are filling the screens of the public, whereas, many forms of folk arts in different nations  cannot easily be seen on television any more. The past solid shield between different cultures has been broken by the domination of mass communication.

Another side of needs from economic development is an influence from modern transport; an appropriate example is ,comfortable jumbo jets are extremely efficient and tourists can be delivered anywhere on earth to their dream destinations in 24 hours. Meanwhile, the locals at tourist attractions are getting accustomed to the current “vibrant” lives rather than the peaceful lives in the past. They have started to concentrates on the money from the flourishing tourism, hotels, gift shops, drugs and alcohol have changed the locals’ habits and lives completely.

Admittedly, some may claim that it is impossible that all of  cultural identities can be lost, such as the history books and ancient rock arts. However, since they have become the history, it exactly means they are no longer vital and developed in future.

Overall, I take the view that the cultural identity is highly likely to vanish in future ,due to the significant influence from the demands of economic development and globalization is not easy to  hold back.

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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-8 19:36:23

Economic growth has made people richer both in developing countries and developed countries. However, studies show that people in developing countries are happier than before while people in developed countries are not.
What are the causes of this phenomenon and what lessons can we learn from it?

In the past decade, unparalleled economic development has happened globally. However, unlike individuals in developed countries, most of the people in developing countries tend to feel more satisfied with their lives than in the past. [这个背景介绍太次了，回去改去。。。看来你对背景介绍还是很迷茫啊。。。推荐你看我一楼里大力推荐的另一个精华帖子，里面有说明怎么写背景介绍和开头段的；也可以看我的帖子里面相关的内容，不许偷懒啊 ]

It is true that the increase of the living standards make[s，低级语法错] people in developing countries feel happy, while individuals in rich countries are not simply satisfied by economic growth and they need more. Firstly, in the past, due to lack of food, people [who? in rich countries or in poor countries? it is very confusing] usually could not get enough nutrition and consequently lived in poor lives. But now, they could have enriched kinds of food including not only fresh food cultivated locally but also processed food produced remotely. Therefore, they have a higher level of happiness. At the same time, it is a totally different story for people living in developed countries. [Because] They are facing more issues spiritually after they have already lived in abundant lives. Due to stressful work and fast-paces life, the elderly could not get enough care from their own children who are struggling to keep their jobs or manage to get an excellent career development. So they miss the golden moments of the past when economics did not develop so fast.

[Based on the discussion above, it is time for all of us to think about what contributes to the sense of happiness.，这句话这么表达不好，还是客观点吧，直截了当的说：Understanding the causes of the phenomenon that 同义转换现象的描述, there are some lessons we can learn from it. Firstly,... Secondly,....，这个模式如果你还没有掌握好或者不认可的话（即：高质量的topic sentence+2到3个有利支持论点，每个论点后跟一句有力的支持句，这个模式），论证逻辑和布局谋篇会很难提高上去的。只有当你按照这个模式这么写的时候，你也能够有理有据，有力支撑你的topic sentence，那么就有了相当的基本功了。建议你在这方面多下工夫。谨记topic sentence是统领全段，又用于支持你的全文观点的，写作手法和技巧务必掌握透彻。其实是一件很简单的事情啊，切记切记] I think people should pay attention to spiritual satisfaction when pursuing material development. A person is not a robot who can keep working and earning money. Individuals need to spend quality time with the family and enjoy various ways of recreation. Economic growth could not necessarily brings happiness to everyone because stress and isolation comes along with it.

In conclusion, I believe the different feelings regarding economic growth reflect that economic development does contribute to the sense of happiness, but it is not the whole story, as spiritual satisfaction equally plays important role in it. [如果能做到准确概括全文（注意是全文）就更好了，不过结尾段一般由于时间关系，考场上结尾段其实不是那么的重要，当然不能天花乱坠地写前文根本没有提过的东西。这是我的亲身经历证明了的。]

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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-9 04:35:52

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There is an ongoing debate of whether the process of globalization results in the fact that cultural identity will vanish. Some argue it is inevitable. As I see it, globalization is being intensified, and the main reason is largely due to the demands of economic development [观点不清晰，没有直接回答题目的问题]. In this essay, two aspects of such demands will be outlined[：->.不建议用冒号。。。]

One side of needs，这个表达不地道 from economic development is that the impact of dominant communication is massive to the minority cultures. Because of their instinct of pursuit to profit, dominant communication [only->违反tentativeness的写作要求] focuses on their own cultures to spread over the world instead of minority cultures. Hollywood blockbusters, NBA playoffs and [all->违反tentativeness的写作要求] similar television shows are filling the screens of the public, whereas, many forms of folk arts in different nations cannot easily be seen on television any more. The past solid [shield]->barrier?] between different cultures has been broken by the domination of mass communication.

Another side of needs from economic development is an influence from modern transport[;->.] an appropriate example is ,comfortable jumbo jets are extremely efficient and [tourists can be [delivered->这个用词不是太好，感觉对词和句式的把握能力还是有所欠缺] [anywhere->违反tentativeness的写作要求] on earth to their dream destinations in 24 hours. Meanwhile, the locals at tourist attractions are getting accustomed to the current “vibrant” lives rather than the peaceful lives in the past. They have started to concentrates on the money from the flourishing tourism, hotels, gift shops, drugs and alcohol have changed the locals’ habits and lives completely.

Admittedly, some may claim that it is impossible that all of  cultural identities can be lost, such as the history books and ancient rock arts. However, since they have become the history, it exactly means they are no longer vital and developed in future. [这一段显得单薄了点]

Overall, I take the view that the cultural identity is highly likely to vanish in future ,due to the significant influence from the demands of economic development and globalization is not easy to  hold back. [感觉还行]

注意：违反tentativeness的写作要求的地方越多，essay越没有说服力


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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-9 08:12:40

建议大家还是把作文帖外面来吧，我一个人力量总是有限的，应该争取更多的人加入讨论
坛子里卧虎藏龙的，很多写作高手，他们在写作上也会有自己的独到的见解的

这几天我争取尽快把帖子结了，整理一份尽量详尽的pdf文档，希望可以帮到大家。

（目前打算在word文档里面，把所有的内容完成，然后直接转pdf文档，放到论坛上来。所以剩余的内容估计就不贴出来了。）

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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-9 13:34:29

这里附上一份我2009年的作文练习，大概是5.5分到6分水平的（我在2009年5月底考了5.5分，而在2009年7月底考了6分）：

leoyy发表于 2009-6-20 10:51

[试题讨论] yrqin请进
http://edu.taisha.org/bbs/redire ... amp;goto=nextoldset

Discuss
Eg: 2005年7月9日

When it comes to the problem of （of不需要，后面的句子做的是problem的同位语）who should pay for health care and education, people hold different views. Some people argue that the government should take the responsibility to pay for health care and education while other people disagree with this opinion.

第一段基本上是对原文的重复，在任何场合（考试或者实际写作）都是一种最低端的做法。最好的做法是要paraphrase。这是第一个问题。第二个问题是：你的第一段只有background information，但没有你自己的观点——这是英文argumentation里比较忌讳的：因为雅思考官看那么多文章（很多很恶）就跟经济危机下公司看简历一样，所以目的一定要明确。第一段一般写法是background+your own opinion。论点在最后点出的一般是：1中国人的思维方式；2比较高级的写作手法（如果你前面有条有理的写法）

On the one hand, people who support the idea that the government should be responsible for health care and education usually claim (claim一般是指宣称，也就是“无根据的传说”，如果你用了这个词在这里，我读到这里第一个感觉就是，你（隐含表示）认为这个观点是不可行不适合，你不认为这个观点正确） that the government receives a great deal of tax revenue each year. The tax revenue comes from the income of workers, factories and companies and from products that have been bought or sold to customers（？？that have been bought 【by customers】 or sold to customers 注意介词正确搭配), and so forth. In other words, the tax revenue is from people in （of） the country. Hence, the government should use （this）money to improve the health care and education from which the whole population can benefit a great deal.

这段一看和下一段差不多长度，but只陈述了一个理由。（我还没看到下一段）有些尝试性内容其实可以不写（我能理解凑字数的想法，但是在阅卷人看起来，就是“这个我已经知道，是常识，为什么还要写这么长一个句子给我解释？”我猜你的意思是：取之于民，应该用之于民，但是中间关于“tax”是从哪里来的那句话，太长了。）

改一下看看（我没对你的内容和用词做很大修改）：

Those who support this point often think that part of the tax revenue should be used to improve the health care and education （你的主要观点）, from which the whole population can benefit a great deal （补充说明）, as most of the government tax revenue are from the people of the country.（提供理由）

简单的方法（我常用）：先写下几个句子（简单句），把自己想说的写下来。然后考虑这几个句子之间的逻辑关系。which one is the main idea I want to express——主句，一般要强调，可以放在最前面（your main idea is first presented)，那些是理由理由，那些是让步，那些是补充说明某个成分的。。。这样就可以试着写长句（当然看例句是个好的学习方式，你可以照着模仿着写）

（逻辑关系语法里应该都学过了，句子和段落其实是一样的，即：让步，转折，因果，递进。。。等等）

On the other hand, people who are against the above view have their concerns. If the government invests a large amount of money in health care and education, it will certainly have to greatly reduce money that can be invested in other areas, such as transportation, real estate, industry and so on. Undoubtedly, these areas are also very significant to the development of the society. 这句话写在这里象半吊子水——这些areas很重要（原因），结果是什么？和**要不要付给education和HC? As a result, the government should balance the investment on different areas to develop all aspects of the society.这句话完全走样了。你这段写的是：不支持＋不支持的理由。最后这句话变成了compromise——不是不支持，而是**需要平衡。时髦的话说，这是argument里的偷换概念。不支持=/=平衡投资

这一段比上一段更加糟糕——因为最后一句话没有support这段的观点。

From my point of view, not only the government has the responsibility to pay for health care and education, but also the whole population should provide their own help. 这段跟主题又不是同一个问题了，你在最后需要conclude的时候冒出一个另外环节：就是population该怎么做。。。这不是一个收尾的段，rather，是一个转折段。如果我是reader，我认为你接下去第五段该写人民怎么用own help来支持**。Only by coping with the problem in this way can we best balance the development of our society.

问题：
1 首段没自己的观点。考官看得很糊涂
2 第二第三段各一个理由，且不论写得如何，感觉理由平分秋色，各打50大板（最没观点？）
3 结尾干巴巴提出自己的看法（感觉和上2段是悬空的，就是你并不是在上2段的分析基础上得出自己的结论，而是说理由正，说理由反，关管他们的理由是啥，反正我的看法就是这个）

改进：
1考察句子和句子之间的逻辑关系，尽量用内容本身的逻辑来连接句子，而不是用hence，forthermore这种外接词汇。类比说，这些词，就像胶水。一张纸，最牢靠的是它本身分子之间的张力和吸引力；如果撕破了再用胶水粘，看上去是粘牢了，但是内部的联系不存在了。

2考虑理由。分析问题。比如我看这个题目，我的理解就会分析人群。想要**支持的，很可能是家庭贫穷的，付不起health care和education的人群；不希望**支持的（正如你说的那些理由，交通等等），可能是那些富有家庭，他们不在乎全民方面的投资，更多看重的是其他发展。——当然这是一种分法。

3结尾忌讳开放式，提出新观点——你不是写论文。论文是开放式的，这种文章通常是封闭式的。就是“综上所述，我的结论是X”，而且这个结论是应该就上面分析得出的，而不是架空的。

4如果写两边都有理的文章，一般不好写（容易做和事佬）。考虑雅思就400来字40分钟的情况，我觉得一边倒会好写一点（当然也看题目而定，有些一边倒不好写）。但就算是两边都有理，最好还是有侧重点。因为一个问题，往往还是需要一个答案（雅思类的考题？），所以就是最好分析X虽然也有一定的道理，但是就目前情况而言，还是Y合适一些。

5最好要把某个问题放在一定的situation里讨论。比如我们说，communism is better than capitalism。OK，没问题，中级目标肯定是前者好。but放在苏联实践是个啥结果？古巴？朝鲜？德国？china？。。。。。。结果都不一样吧。

last but not least （哈哈哈，写这个词我都笑了，我爆恶的一个词组），best wishes~

[ 本帖最后由 leoyy 于 2009-6-20 11:19 编辑 ]

yrqin于22/12/2011后记：回头看看自己的作文，还蛮有意思的。leoyy是太傻论坛上的顶尖的写作高手，我至今无法望其项背，而且极富个性。当然我跟他的缘分也止于这一篇作文而已，因为我后来作文有了6分，缺的是口语6分。回到leoyy的点评上，我当时其实仍旧似懂非懂；只有当我经历了语言班的洗礼之后，才深刻理解了他的点评。

送奋斗中的各位一句话：(在雅思写作方面)你们的今天大约就是我的昨天，希望我的今天是你们的即将到来的明天！

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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-9 18:56:16

pdf完全版本已推出，链接在帖子一楼开头。帖子到此结了。谢谢支持！谢谢参与！

[雅思杂谈] step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

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