step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

萧风残月 · 发表于 2011-11-29 22:19:48

好贴啊，ＬＺ好人．
先留名，再学习．

功夫孙 · 发表于 2011-11-30 07:49:05

谢谢楼主的奉献

遴莹卜 · 发表于 2011-11-30 08:27:00

真心感谢！！！

caqqdrocgu · 发表于 2011-11-30 15:47:54

职场中是否只有工作时间久的员工才应该得到晋升的机会，你是否同意，为什么

正文:276字.
There is an ongoing debate about the discussion of whether senior employees should  get promotion in an enterprise.  I tend to disagree with the view. some primary reasons are as follows:

First of all, the standard of promotion in an organization should be how much the dedication  the employees did, instead of how long their resumes are. The factors employers considered  are what about the profit for the sales, or how good reputation about their businesses the staff performed and so forth. If only the period staff has in a firm viewed as the aspect for promotion, the future of this firm will go astray. Additionally, the young staff in this enterprise will be frustrated if they cannot get any chance to develop their careers.  Before they are getting enough old,  the only thing they should do is waiting for getting old.  I am not convinced that any employer is pleased to see such young staff in his/her business. The entire firm will be without any vigor and prospect. young fellows lack any motivation ,while senior staff are stably sitting on their position admired for ages.

By contrast, some may claim that old stuff are typically experienced and will be helpful to the development of a firm. Indeed in a way, in some cases, however, the age is not equal to the experience. And a employee lack of experience cannot deal with any critical problem.

Overall, I take the view that the chance of promotion should be considered in various capacities rather than the staff's age only. The sienor staff  can be elevated or not ,which  really  depends on how much their dedication they brought about for the business.

靈起點 · 发表于 2011-11-30 21:19:34

早晨回忆11.4号G类大作文,重写了一遍,题目大致是这样,记不太清了,烦请楼主和各位同学给看看.

pdsfdruht · 发表于 2011-12-1 07:43:02

学习，学习，谢谢LZ

逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-1 14:35:21

题目：Some people believe the elderly said that life is better in the past. Do you agree or disagree?

In the half past century, the world has changed at a staggering rate. Therefore some elderly cannot adapt to the world which is quite different from their familiar one, and they say that life in the past is much better than life in current society. [, delete] Although [Although..but, because/since...so 不能成对出现] I admit that there are some disadvantages in modern world, but [，罗嗦了，建议删掉] I believe the modern society has more advantages than drawbacks.

First and foremost, the [->advances] in technology and science have brought [，带情感色彩了，delete] ->significant changes to our life. [For example,] The new technologies boost our efficiency and productivity, and thus there are loads of new products that are made to satisfy people in various fields, such as washing machines, air conditioners, airplanes, [all->different] kinds of [new] food, etc. [By constrast,] People in the past [cannot->could not，时态错] [live a better life,这个太泛泛而谈了，没有说服力] when they were tired down by housework [你是不是想说以前没有电冰箱，洗衣机，空调，洗碗机之类的产品，所以他们没有足够的时间来放松和恢复自己呢？现在这么写是没法表达这个意思。逻辑上来说应该是和前半段做对比了，但是前后两个半段的关系却不紧密，显得比较乱]. and->They also had few choices of food or->and transports. 【总之，从这个段落的topic sentence来看，这段主要应该分析科学技术发展带来的好处，那么你直接论述好处好了，可以从生活的几个重要的方面列举并说明几个好处就OK了；如果你同时也要对比以前的生活，那么topic sentence是不太合适，虽然这么似乎也是OK，但是为了这个段落更加严谨和紧凑，建议最好能改进一下。此外，你的比较和对比也做得不好，前后不太搭。所以，一定要注意topic sentence的controlling idea，是什么就是什么，这个段落每一句都应该服务于这个controlling idea，比如说科学技术带来了好处，那就只论述好处；比如说科学技术技术解决了以前存在的问题，带来了好处，那么就论述有哪些问题，通过什么技术解决了（感觉你的写法更倾向于这个方向）。这个controlling idea的要点看来你还没有领悟得很好很透彻，从而造成了论述逻辑上的混乱、不严谨。】

Furthermore, ，一样的问题，controlling idea：far more information 其实无法概括你这整个段落的阐述，其实这段还是论述科学技术的好处，你该怎么与上一段做好区分呢？你真的需要分成2个段落来写么？理由是什么？. In the past, when a letter or a travel took for a few months, people really knew little about the whole world and most of them had to live in a small village for an entire life. In contrast, nowadays, people can easily travel to any countries in the world by air and chat with a friend by phone despite of the distance [这样句子就只有6分或5.5分的水平了，因为travel和chat via phones属于two different supporting points，从不同方面和角度来体现了科学技术带来的好处，你需要通过不同的句子具体的写出来这样的好处是什么]; they can [not only] [->access to，词汇的使用不够地道，体现了用词水平不高，也就是词汇的基本功不到位] [a] large amount of news and know->这个词很逊，可以用experience，appreciate等 different culture through TV programs, [->but also] take an open ，重复了 and search information on the Internet. Thus, people who enjoy ，语病 would never，不够客观或过度推理 like to go back to the past days without so much knowledge and information. [最后一句还不如不说了，和本段的论述关系不大]

On the other hand, some serious problems are linked to the development of current society. To begin with, many people have been tired down by the competition and the fast pace of life, so they ，慎用 feel depressed and tense in life. What is more, the high crime rate in the [city->cities] has [lead->led，语法错] to a sense of insecurity and the [bad，delete，罗嗦了] pollutions in many areas have badly influenced people’s health. [ 一样的问题，这句话并不服务于主题句的controlling idea] [ 还是一样的问题，这句话并不服务于主题句的controlling idea] 【最后这两句话可以换成其它服务于controlling idea的句子或直接删掉，至于最后的结论，你可以直接给出，不需要这两句话的。因为前面有两个主体段（假设）你都已经论述了科学技术带来了巨大的好处并深刻改变了我们的生活，那么尽管存在一点点的问题，是不影响你得到最后的结论的。从而也就成功反驳了题目的观点。】

To sum up, I disagree with the opinion that people in the past live a better life. I think the advancing technology has brought more positive changes to the world. So, people in the future would always have a higher level of life conditions as we have than the past.

总的来说，你的问题主要是论证技巧不熟练，controlling idea的定义及其作用似懂非懂，有的地方用词比较低级（这个是基本功问题了），低级语法错有一些（不够细致严谨）。不过文章的模样已经有了，所以你根据我提到的问题，逐个击破，提高起来应该会很快的。

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ddwvd760534r · 发表于 2011-12-2 00:06:03

其实写作也是一个逻辑思维的考验

dt2013flh · 发表于 2011-12-2 09:42:36

看到满屏的红色我好激动，严重感谢yrqin，马上仔细研读

逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-2 15:43:45

职场中是否只有工作时间久的员工才应该得到晋升的机会，你是否同意，为什么

正文:276字.
There is an ongoing debate about the discussion of whether senior employees should ->receive better changces of，光用get恐怕词不达意啊，其实我很想知道题目的原本的表达方式，从而可以做更准确的同义转换 promotion in an enterprise.  I tend to disagree with the view -> and several reasons for this will be explored in the folllowing.，因为句子太短了，所以建议合成一句来说

[缺主题句，一个很严重的错误] First of all, the standard of promotion in an organization should [->用词不准确，用consider更好] how much the dedication the employees ->have shown, instead of how long -> they have been working for. The factors [that] employers ->should consider when they make decisions on whether to promote any of their employees，时态错，且描述不具体 are what about the profit for the sales, or how good reputation about their businesses the staff performed and so forth，这么写很乱，也不好改，我感觉你其实可以把【There are sevral significant factors that employers should consider when they make decisions on whether to promote any of their employees】作为主题句，这样再来看看应该怎么在这段里展开论述，会比较清楚点. 【当你用一个段落论述好了‘sevral significant factors that employers should consider’以后，以下的这些论述可以另起一段，主要写写如果这些significant factors没有照顾到的后果，最后就可以直接得出你的最后结论了If only the period staff has in a firm viewed as the aspect for promotion, the future of this firm will go astray. Additionally, the young staff in this enterprise will be frustrated if they cannot get any chance to develop their careers.  Before they are getting enough old,  the only thing they should do is waiting for getting old.  I am not convinced that any employer is pleased to see such young staff in his/her business. The entire firm will be without any vigor and prospect. young fellows lack any motivation ,while senior staff are stably sitting on their position admired for ages.】

By contrast, some may claim that old stuff are typically experienced and will be helpful to the development of a firm. Indeed in a way, in some cases, however, the age is not equal to the experience. And a employee lack of experience cannot deal with any critical problem.

Overall, I take the view that the chance of promotion should be considered in various capacities rather than the staff's age only. The sienor staff  can be elevated or not ,which  really  depends on how much their dedication they brought about for the business.

在我看来，你最大的不足是论证技巧的缺乏，建议你多体会体会本帖子所说的topic sentence，topic， controlling idea，supporting sentences这几个最基本也是最重要的概念，务必要理解透彻了。同时你可以参考其它作文书籍如小姨的10天作文以及雅思范文，去认真体会一下他们的论证方法和思路。至于你词汇和语法方面的问题，还是次要的。

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[雅思杂谈] step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

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