step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

l6649038 · 发表于 2011-12-3 01:57:13

收到~~感谢楼主的悉心指导~

找寻失去的人 · 发表于 2011-12-3 03:23:13

我也写了个相同主题的，格式有点乱
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Whether the company should promote the people who have served for
a long time or recruit new employees for senior managers, is always a
hot topic. Some firms just give the promotion to their own employees.
I think this offers a wide variety of benefits as discussed below.

Firstly, these kinds of people are more familiar with the company’s
status than individuals hired from other companies. Specifically, they
know in detail, how the organization is run, what the specific processes
are, as well as the advantages and the drawbacks of their own products.
Therefore, they can quickly get accustomed to the new roles and
complete assignments as quickly as possible. By contrast, people newly
recruited from others always spend much more time to understand every
aspect of the company, which definitely decreases the speed of response
to customers’ needs. Besides, employees who have stayed in the company
for many years usually have built up the good relationship with other
people. That means, it is very easy for them to get the cooperation
and support from other teams. As experienced employees, these kinds of
people prove to be precious treasure of the company.

However, there are obvious shortcomings for them. They may not be
innovative or creative since they tend to prefer keeping the current
pace and maintaining the existing structure. Sometimes, in order to
maintain the relationship with other teams, they probably abandon
aggressive actions. But overall, the company needs stable management layers to support all of their strategies and development plans since they
are the backbone of the company.

To sum up, I believe, advantages it created greatly outweigh the disadvantages, promoting employees who have stayed in the company for a long time. Their rich experiences and healthy human relationship with other employees, can help the company expand businesses, even if they may not encourage innovation.

逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-3 07:59:48

[Promotion of employees in a company is a significant issue.] Whether the company should promote the people who have served for
a long time or recruit new employees for senior managers, is [always,delete] a
[hot->debatable] topic. Some firms [just->prefer to] give the promotion to their own employees.
I think this offers a wide variety of benefits as discussed below.

[缺主题句，格调立马降了下来；如果你认为下面的第一句是主题句，那么是不合格的主题句] Firstly, these kinds of people，这个不如直接写current employees之类的 are more familiar with the company’s
status than individuals hired from other companies. Specifically, they
know in detail, how the organization is run, what the specific processes
are, as well as the advantages and the drawbacks of their own products.
Therefore, they can quickly get accustomed to the new roles and
complete assignments as quickly as possible [如果换成写more efficiently and effectively是不是更好]. By contrast, people newly
recruited from others [always->usually,often,tend to] spend much more time to [try to] understand every
aspect of the company, which definitely,同样的问题，过于肯定 decreases the speed of response
to customers’ needs. Besides, employees who have stayed in the company
for many years usually have built up the good relationship with other
people. That means, it is [very,delete]easy for them to get the cooperation
and support from other teams. As experienced employees, these kinds of
people prove to be precious treasure of the company.

However, there are obvious shortcomings for them. They may not be
innovative or creative since they tend to prefer keeping the current
pace and maintaining the existing structure. Sometimes, in order to
maintain the relationship with other teams, they probably abandon
aggressive actions. [But overall, the company needs stable management layers to support all of their strategies and development plans since they are the backbone of the company.与主题句不相干，但是也是很有意思的一个点an interesting point，存在着布局谋篇的问题]

To sum up, I believe, [the] advantages [it?指代后面的动名词引领的插入语么？比较拗口，华而不实] created greatly outweigh the disadvantages, promoting employees who have [stayed in->served] the company for a long time [.-> because,这里存在明显的因果关系，却缺少linking words，十分可惜] Their rich experiences and healthy human relationship with other employees, can [help the company expand businesses, even if they may not encourage innovation,这后半句是不合适的，前文并没有论述这点，写conclusion的一忌].

总的来说，基本功很好，布局谋篇和行文逻辑却比较粗糙，一些用词（如语气过于肯定）和一些句式的使用也比较随意，不够严谨。我猜得分6.5是上限了。如果你有兴趣，这个帖子的module 3和module 5（立马就要推出了），还有后面的module 6是最适合你的。好好加以揣摩，7分到7.5分不是问题。（小声说一句：咱俩的词汇和语法基本功不分伯仲，你所缺乏的是布局谋篇和行文逻辑的技巧。）

此外，推荐你看看茉莉姐的精华帖子，里面提到了雅思作文的‘八股’的一面，所以当你看module 3， 5， 6的时候，千万不能鄙视里面的东西，‘八股’既然存在了，就自然有它的合理性。

附茉莉姐的帖子链接：
http://www.localau.org:8126/ibbs/ ... p%3Bfilter%3Ddigest
里面有提到：
‘每一段写什么心里也要有数。我觉得其实段落内容结构和文章层次的结构有相同之处，其实真的有点像某位同学说的，是八股文。一段要说明一件事，肯定也是先提出来，再展开，再收拢。’

这个总结是非常正确的。当然最后的‘再收拢’一般而言是不必要的，因为毕竟雅思作文每一段落的篇幅都很短，收拢这个过程很多时候是多余的。

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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-3 13:01:21

Module 5: The body of an essay

This module highlights a number of structural and language features to achieve coherence and cohesion in your writing. It will also suggest ways in which you can adopt a tentative writing style to achieve credibility in your written text.

这个module主要讲解如何展开body paragraph的论述。大家务必要重视topic sentence的写法和supporting sentences的展开过程。总而言之，topic sentence是直接为你的观点即thesis statement服务的，而supporting sentences是直接为topic sentence服务的（准确来讲是controlling idea），千万不要越级了。这就好比普通员工向部门的头头报告，部门的头头向经理报告，经理则向总裁报告，千万要不弄混淆了。这一点我感觉很多人都搞不清楚，总是想着用supporting sentences去直接为thesis statement服务，这就很容易出现论证逻辑偏离了controlling idea所限定的范围和方向，这其实是一个行文逻辑的严重错误；更有人主体段里直接没有topic sentence，希望直接用supporting sentences去论证thesis statement，导致了段与段之间的关系变得模糊不清晰（因为没有topic sentence做限制），这更是一个严重错误。。。这样的话，论证逻辑又岂能不‘混乱不堪’呢？

那我们接下来看看正确的主体段的展开过程是什么样的。（注：module 5的内容是重头戏，如果主体段的论述能做到正确展开了，那么你的写作才算是真的入门了。）

5.1 Paragraph development

上面的这一段是开头段，即Introductory Paragraph。接下来是逐步展开三个主体段的论述。

好了，上面详细讲解了写topic sentence的技巧以及如何写supporting sentences来展开主体段的论述的。那么接下来我们看看具体的body paragraph写好以后是什么样的？请欣赏：

5.2 Coherence in text

下面将介绍coherence，我理解其大概是文章的脉络要很清晰以及前后要相互呼应的意思。具体请看下面的讲解。

5.3 Cohesion in text

下面讲的是cohesion方面的特点和要求。讲的不是很细，我会在module 5结束之后，把语言班上同一门课的阅读教材这方面的材料补充进来介绍一下；在阅读教材里，Cohesion 的讲解讲的真是太好了。敬请期待。

以上的练习大家务必认真完成。一个意思可以通过8种句子结构来表达，你掌握了几种？你会用几种？7分作文里面要求句式多变，长短句、简单句和复杂句相互配合以便不呆板，你是否从这个练习里得到了许多启发？这样在你需要表达任何一个意思的时候，是不是也可以用多达8种的句式表达出来呢？自己平时多做这个练习。其实在不同的背景和不同的上下文，各种句式都是可能用得上的。而且这个练习里面，8种句式都还是用最简单的方式呈现，你还可以尝试加入更多的限定语、修饰语来使得句子的表达更加符合自己的行文要求，前提是不能有语病，否则一切白搭。自己练习的多了，实际要用的时候也许下笔就能写出来合适的、切合上下文的句式了。‘无它，唯手熟尔！’

5.4 Tentativeness in text

最近给不少朋友看作文，发现对tentativeness的写法还是比较陌生的，尽管这个帖子的module 1就已经介绍过了，能给予重视的人或能做到完全避免的人很少。这里重新讲解，希望大家务必要重视起来。有些问题是比较容易发现的，如使用了always，never，all，none，no one，nothing，must，must be，will，will be等等词汇，也有一些是比较隐晦的，下面的练习里有这方面的例子，希望能给大家带来启发。

趁此机会，罗嗦一下：严谨细致，严格要求自己，词汇、语法、句式各个细节都要做到很好（当然要求不会很高，初级和中级的词汇和一般的语法表达熟练掌握足以，不要一味追求高级词汇、过于复杂的句式和哗众取宠的句式，如倒装等等）。这样才会有比较大的可能写出7分的作文。‘词不在深，达意就行’，这个说法对于7分作文而言应该就够了，当然中级词汇还是需要不少的；这里的‘深’指的是你还没彻底掌握的（高级）词汇。在雅思写作里面，appropriate非常重要的，用词不当以及句式出现哪怕再小的语病，也都是很不应该的。所以务必要做到严谨细致。

5.5 结论了，每个module的结论都是一段美文啊，口水

这么看来作为本帖子重头戏的module 5算是结束了。不过且慢，句子之间的逻辑关系的介绍其实远还没有结束，cohesion方面的许多重要细节在这里也并没有涉及到。于是就有了语言班里，Academic English这门课的写作教材的姐妹篇：阅读教材在这方面的补充材料，十分详尽。更多精彩内容还在后头。（待续）

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dvvc9428 · 发表于 2011-12-3 13:15:16

谢谢， LZ高风亮节，帮助我等还在IELTS中努力的人！！

德阳最帅 · 发表于 2011-12-3 15:49:05

认真看了帖子，还是不太明白开头段应该如何下笔。

例如下面这个标题，Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the govenment instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the davantages.

第一句应该写引导句么，介绍现状？还是直接抛出问题。如果是直接抛出问题，我就不知道后面两句（support sentences）应该写什么了。能给提供个范文么？

另外，关于审题，这个标题是讨论医疗结构应该政府运营或私营呢，还是说的药厂？

我用“裸奔法”，从就医环境、服务质量environment（私立医院要好些）；time&space(私立医院好些)；technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）

三个方面进行阐述，是不是就可以了。请赐教

逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-4 03:44:52

我在另一个帖子里面有过这个题目的讨论，这里重新帖一下‘首段’的写法：
http://www.localau.com/viewt ... id=49287#pid3891185

Health, like education and freedom, is essential to people’s wellbeing. Generally, health care can be provided either by the government or by private companies. However, many private medical services are so expensive to afford by the poor people that some people argue that government should run the medical service in order to ensure that all people can access to it. [注意这里，前后两句话还是有点点的gap，具体怎么改进，就留着了] This essay will argue that there are more advantages of private health services than disadvantages.

所以说首段的写法虽然看起来简单，真要写好，还是要花不少功夫去思考和练习的。

这个帖子的#83也有一个具体的例子参考（当然topic不一样）：
Promotion of employees in a company is a significant issue. Whether the company should promote the people who have served for a long time or recruit new employees for senior managers, is a debatable topic. Some firms prefer to give the promotion to their own employees. I think this offers a wide variety of benefits as discussed below.

这个首段的写作其实比上面的那个写得要好点，更加顺畅些，连贯些。

此外，下面的拷贝来自另一个精华贴子的关于‘如何写第一段’的相关内容，也是在澳洲考7.5分的人写的，可以说是我这个帖子的姐妹篇，强烈推荐两个帖子结合一起看：
http://www.localau.com/viewt ... id=49287#pid3599585

<quote>

现在开始介绍最最典型的250字左右的八股文结构
这个结构主要指discussion，如果题目是discuss并给suggestion的，第三段改成suggestion,其他不变即可
第一段Introduction:
最理想的状态，第一段，每一句话都比上一句范围缩小那么一咪咪~缩到最后一句，就是你的topic
举个例子：请讨论男性聪明还是女性聪明
第一句，这世界上主要有两种性别，男和女。(选一个比较广泛的角度开始写)
第二句，男和女在很多方面有差异。(缩小一点,主要讨论两性的差异)
第三句，尤其在智力方面，差异也很明显。(在缩小一点,主要讨论智力方面的两性的差异)
第四句，女性总体来说都比男性智慧得多。(主题句)

第一段，你这么一写，考官一看懂了，这个是我们的人~

</quote>

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逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-4 05:35:17

认真看了帖子，还是不太明白开头段应该如何下笔。

例如下面这个标题，Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the govenment instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the davantages.

第一句应该写引导句么，介绍现状？还是直接抛出问题。如果是直接抛出问题，我就不知道后面两句（support sentences）应该写什么了。能给提供个范文么？
--我感觉你把首段和主体段的结构弄混淆了。首段是没有supporting sentences的，因为不需要我们去论证任何的东西。而事实上我们要做的是通过context的介绍，说明问题的重要性、意义、价值，说明问题的存在等等，然后引出我们的观点。

至于主体段，我们有topic sentence，而topic sentence里面有我们需要论证的controlling idea（即分论点），所以需要一批有理有据的supporting sentences来支持我们的分论点。这是主体段的写法（论证我们的分论点是合理的）。几个主体段在一起，就论证了几个分论点；而几个分论点论证好了以后，我们在首段提出的观点（thesis statement）的合理性就有了足够的支撑，从而得出我们的结论。

essay就是这么一回事，首先在首段引出问题，提出观点，然后通过几个分论点（每个分论点就是一个主体段）的论证来支撑我们的观点，最后结论（总结前文）。

另外，关于审题，这个标题是讨论医疗结构应该政府运营或私营呢，还是说的药厂？
--跟药厂没有关系。主要是要求你讨论私营的优缺点；至于国营和私营的区别，这个属于很宽泛的背景知识，你需要有一些了解才能写好。也就是题材你得熟悉。这是课外的功夫啦。

我用“裸奔法”，从就医环境、服务质量environment（私立医院要好些）；time&space(私立医院好些)；technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）

三个方面进行阐述，是不是就可以了。请赐教

--这么写也可以，但是私营的缺点你还得明确指出来有哪些。虽然当你讨论‘technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）’的时候，会涉及到，但是你最好用一个主体段来阐述私营有哪些缺点。这是布局谋篇的要求，从而可以应对题目的要求。

最后，这道题目的审题，我在另一个帖子也有过讨论的，你可以参考下：
http://www.localau.com/viewt ... id=49287#pid3890254

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83后宋希小 · 发表于 2011-12-4 14:08:02

最近重新读了帖子，研究了范文，又写了篇，麻烦大师看看，结构有所提高没？
=========
which is more effective and productive, parenting or schooling? This is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about educating their own children to become valuable to society

Undeniably, parents are first teachers of children in this respect, when children share their toys to friends and try to help mother do housework for the first time. In other words, since children come to this world, on a daily basis, mother and father has already given clues to children what kind of persons are valued by society and how to get respect from society. Therefore, a parent takes the unavoidable responsibility in coaching children to mature into good members of society, especially before children go to school.

However, it is the school where a child acquires not only academic knowledge but also good traits that benefit society. According to our own school experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support the view that a child could obtain what contributes to becoming valuable to society. For example, teachers would show what should be considered when evaluating an excellent student. And in the competition of leaders in student unions, kids could know what personalities and actions would be appreciated by most of students.

I think, as with all questions of schooling versus parenting regarding cultivating good virtues, they should collaborate with each other, linking home and school together. When parents and teachers are united to do the same things, children can benefit. Without the support from parents, teachers would find out how difficult to correct the bad action of a child. And without teachers’ cooperation, parents would not effectively instill high moral values to their own children.

In conclusion, parents should educate children how to become valuable member of society since kids are born. But it cannot be a parent’s job alone. Schools also impact a child a lot once children go to school.

逃避心理 · 发表于 2011-12-4 16:40:09

‘大师’可不敢当啊

你这个结构我见过的，在剑7里面有范文。但是我想说的是这个是属于那种‘无招胜有招’的境界了，别人能做到‘摘叶飞花以致伤人’，并不代表我们也可以。。。我们能做到的估计也就是‘形似’。

其实剑7里面，这个是test 1的范文，在行文逻辑上test 2的范文和test 1范文其实是很相似的。test 1比test 2的范文好在哪里？我觉得大概有以下几个方面（当然我本身水平有限，看的不一定有多准确，只是一家之言）：1. 用词更地道，句式更加老辣；2.段落结构更加好，相比之下，test 2的范文的结构太松散了；3.论证逻辑方便当然test 1要更胜一筹，test 1十分紧凑。无论是句子与句子之间的逻辑（发展）关系，还是段落与段落之间的逻辑（发展）关系做得都要比test 2的范文好。

但是，我想说的是，test 2的范文在布局谋篇和行文逻辑方面，其实是更好的一个参考。因为我们的水平距离test 2的范文更近一些。

至于说到本帖子的布局谋篇和行文逻辑的方法，虽然那是实实在在的‘八股文’，和剑7里test 1的范文相比，那是比较初级的东西，但是它的好处确实很明显的：1. 有迹可寻，有招可学；2.结构是比较固定的，我们可以更容易掌握；3.对我们的行文逻辑也有比较大的约束，我们可以有更多的精力放在提高行文逻辑上。更重要的是，如果你能很好地掌握了本帖子的‘比较初级’的布局谋篇和行文逻辑的方法，7到7.5是没问题的。

当然，随着我们在行文逻辑方面的水平的逐步提高，那么对于剑7的test 1范文的理解就会更深，而到时如果要使用类似的结构，那么也是可以做得很好的。

至于你的这篇作文应该怎么看？我认为着重应该从以下几个方面去作思考：1. 句子之间的逻辑（发展）关系 2. 段落之间的逻辑（发展）关系 3.几个主体段的论证与最后得出的结论之间的内在逻辑关系等等。当然在用词和句式方面也是有一些小问题的。

which is more effective and productive, parenting or schooling? This is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about educating their own children to become valuable to society

Undeniably, parents are [the] first teachers of children in this respect, [for example], when children share their toys [to->with] friends and try to help [mother->their mothers] do housework for the first time. In other words, since children come to this world, on a daily basis, mother and father [has->have] already given clues to children what kind of persons are valued by society and how to get respect from society [注意这个句子和前面一个句子的关系，不是那么的紧密；我感觉就是几个拳头用力打出去了，却不在一个地方上]. Therefore, a parent takes the unavoidable responsibility in coaching children to mature into good members of society, especially before children go to school.

However, it is the school where a child acquires not only academic knowledge but also good traits that benefit society. According to our own school experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support the view that a child could obtain what contributes to becoming valuable to society. For example, teachers would show what should be considered when evaluating an excellent student. And [句子开头一般不可以是And] in the competition of leaders in student unions, kids could know what personalities and actions would be appreciated by most of students.

I think, as with all questions of schooling versus parenting regarding cultivating good virtues, they should collaborate with each other, linking home and school together. When parents and teachers are united to do the same things, children can benefit [我感觉这句话是很值得改进的]. Without the support from parents, teachers would find out how difficult to correct the bad action of a child. And [句子开头一般不可以是And] without teachers’ cooperation, parents would not effectively instill high moral values to their own children.

In conclusion, parents should educate children how to become valuable member of society since kids are born. But it cannot be a parent’s job alone. Schools also impact a child a lot [用a lot不如用些具体的事例和动名词短语来具体描述是哪些方面] once children go to school.

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[雅思杂谈] step by step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

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