[摩天楼竣工]独门烤鸭菜谱，简单易操作，作文从5.5变7.5哟亲！不接受中差评的哟亲！

天涯独醉42 · 发表于 2011-8-2 19:54:00

楼主写得生动有趣，又简单实用，有木有！

Sciedririub · 发表于 2011-8-2 21:01:38

试着写了7.16的题，恳请楼主批改！谢谢！

题目：
Science and technology have great influence on our lives. But some people think we should also value the work of artists such as musicians, painters and writers. Do you think arts can give us things that science and technology cannot give us?

作文：
People are now living in an era of science and technology. From online shopping to space exploration, everyday life in modern society, as well as human being’s ambitious goals, are supported by various kinds of technological applications. The importance of arts, however, is often ignored, although it plays an irreplaceable role in people’s lives.

Science and technology, admittedly, can make people’s lives more convenient, but it is arts that truly inspire us. When one feels upset, a great piece of music or a good film can sooth his/her mind. Also, it is often read in the newspapers that a great book makes someone have faith in life again. Of course some teenagers may turn to video games when they are not satisfied with their lives, but unlike arts, that will only result in void but not serious thinking.

Arts can also provide us with a different understanding of life. No matter how truly the photographing technique can reflect what people see with their eyes, great paintings, such as Van Gogh’s Sunflower, can always appeal to people and lead people to realize good things in their lives which they barely paid any attention to.

Therefore, art is a dispensable part of people’s lives, which will never be replaced by science and technology. In fact, if technology could give people whatever arts could, there would not be so many people downloading or purchasing music or films from the internet. Technology now is acting as a media that carries various forms of arts and delivers them to more people.

In conclusion, in spite of all the great impacts that science and technology have on our lives, arts still play a crucial part that cannot be replaced.

[]

语丝缕缕 · 发表于 2011-8-3 08:34:31

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of the private health care outweigh the advantages?

Private healthcare becomes a frequent topic of discussion nowadays.
1 topic 用hot或者much debated来形容,不用frequent
2 Private healthcare不是topic,我觉得更准确的表达是 Whether private healthcare is XXXXXX is much debated nowadays.
3 redundant(啊哈哈~果然第一句就有~~乃们还嫌我罗索~~哈哈哈）topic 就是discussion的topic, 在加of discussion就是罗索
建议:Whether private healthcare has advantages over public one becomes (is) a much debated topic nowadays.
it is well understand that one’s healthy is the fundamental of his or her happiness and because of this, personal healthcare is indeed very important for the wellbeing of the citizens.1用复述people泛指人们不用one,好处是这样就不用his or her了，用they
2understand 第一它应该是understood，该被动的时候不要忘了改动词阿！！！
第二，我的感觉，这里understand的意思不是很准确，accepted更好些~
3 连接词（because of this)插到句子的中间而不是开始
4 citizen和people的概念不太一样，还是不要换了巴~
建议：It is widely accepted that people's health is the fundamental of their happiness and personal healthcare, thus, is of great importance for the well-being of them.

BTW这句是主体句?我的理解题目要求讨论的是private healthcare的利大还是弊大，不是personal healthcare的利弊
审题要仔细阿哥哥~~~偏了你6都别想了阿！！！

Yet some people think that there are many guarantees, like public healthcare or international health organizations, which could be the assistance of personal health problems.
1妈妈的~一上来给我个Yet 叫你连接词不要放句首~哪能这么不听话啦！！！！
2这个观点如果是你要反驳的，Some people might think(用might来削弱它的语气）
3like不正式，用such as,
Of course, it is definitely true that those measures contribute to the individuals’ health, whilst The vital principal is that there are still some particular emergencies which can not covered in the public health system.
1知道我想说什么伐？OOO你个头阿！！！再给我看到首字母大写的连接词。。。
2whilst很牛比表扬下
3还是redundant, of course 和 definitely词义重复，建议of course删掉
这段按我的理解是你已经开始偏了，我就不重写了~

Obviously, commercial health care is beneficial to the individuals and societies. Firstly, for the sake of risk transfer, it is strongly recommended that every citizen involved in the medical insurance. For example, it is not uncommon for those dangerous occupations, like oilmen or miners, take the risk of injury. Without the private healthcare, the medical fee would be a big burden to those families. Furthermore, the annual physical examination include in the health insurance, plays a crucial role in the terms of the individuals’ healthy maintenance. It is essential that whether he or she could achieve personal success depends on whether he or she is healthy. Last but not least, technically speaking, private healthcare could be the symbol of our civilization. It represented the humanism and charity of business units.
1Furthermore可以搬到句子中间吗？
2civilzation前面没必要our阿~只有人类有civilization阿~
3private healthcare不等于commercial healthcare也不等于personal healthcare

private是相对public来说的，类比你自己买的医疗保险和国家强制你的医保
To sum up, private medical care is the insurance of individuals’ interest and a kind of charity in principal. I claim that medical insurance is excellent additional option and crucial supplement of contemporary public healthcare.

文章里出现2次第一人称我觉得还是可以接受的~当然能不出现最好拉！！
结构也够八股，表扬下
后两段因为我有点不理解你的论述，不太好改，主要还是揪一些语言上的小错误

c1xt6x59 · 发表于 2011-8-3 18:55:26

佩服进来拜一下

语丝缕缕 · 发表于 2011-8-3 20:11:58

People are now living in an era of science and technology. From online shopping to space exploration, everyday life in modern society, as well as human being’s ambitious goals, are supported by various kinds of technological applications. The importance of arts, however, is often ignored, although it plays an irreplaceable role in people’s lives.
姑娘你从句用的好花啊~哈哈哈~这段我觉得没神马问题

Science and technology, admittedly, can make people’s lives more convenient, but it is arts that truly inspire us. When one feels upset, a great piece of music or a good film can sooth his/her mind. Also, it is often read in the newspapers that a great book makes someone have faith in life again. Of course some teenagers may turn to video games when they are not satisfied with their lives, but unlike arts, that will only result in void but not serious thinking.
见上文，one的地方通常可以用people代替，一直写his/her很麻烦，
最后一句，people may argue that a large number of teenagers turn to video games, which is the product of technology, for comfort when they feel disappointed in life. It is true, however, video games only result in void unlike arts.

Arts can also provide us with a different understanding of life. No matter how truly the photographing technique can reflect what people see with their eyes, great paintings, such as Van Gogh’s Sunflower, can always appeal to people and lead people to realize good things in their lives which they barely paid any attention to.
1 还是那句，第一人称尽量不要出现Arts can also provide a different aspect to understand life.
2 truly在这里的意思不很准确，exactly, accurately好像跟贴近一些
what people see with their eyes 可换成 reality,
第一二人称不用，第三人称能少用也少用哈~~
这句里的such as可以替换say，这也是很多学术文章经常用的词....great paintings, say, Van Gogh's Sunflower

Therefore, art is a dispensable part of people’s lives, which will never be replaced by science and technology. In fact, if technology could give people whatever arts could, there would not be so many people downloading or purchasing music or films from the internet. Technology now is acting as a media that carries various forms of arts and delivers them to more people.
用therefore一定要有联接的两部分，这里我的理解是连接的上部分是上一段的内容，这样的话，感觉这段就是对上一段的总结和深入
但下一段又是总结，感觉结构不太清晰。

这样的结构你以后如果要读书写essay是肯定没问题的，但用在250字的雅斯作文里，容易让人觉得逻辑不够清晰，
我的建议是尽量写两个平行的论点，或者一个正一个反的论点

In conclusion, in spite of all the great impacts that science and technology have on our lives, arts still play a crucial part that cannot be replaced.

背上爱情去流浪 · 发表于 2011-8-4 07:03:47

谢LZ！我一直觉得自己逻辑有问题！觉得作文拿不到7分其实就是智商问题啊。。。。决定勤奋起来多写写然后九月再考一次！

ylwkp3733n · 发表于 2011-8-4 13:45:53

用词不准确和偏题确实是我的老毛病了

这两个月要好好练练

ewewrer · 发表于 2011-8-4 18:55:22

楼主的缝隙很有道拟~~~~~俺们要顶起来~~~~

9mf6f177 · 发表于 2011-8-5 06:33:27

补充下，
“In contrast” vs. “by contrast”

Someone wrote: “Can you write about “in contrast” vs. “by contrast” sometime?”

Okay, here goes. “In contrast” and “by contrast” mean the same thing: the act of comparing in order to show differences. The difference lies in the way the words are used. “In contrast” is usually followed by “to” or “with” and requires a noun to follow it. “By contrast” is usually followed or preceded by the subject of the sentence.

Examples:

In contrast to the diligent bee, the butterfly flies hither and yon with no apparent purpose.

In contrast with the chorus of birdsongs in my backyard, my front yard is serenaded by the sound of rumbling buses flying down the street.

By contrast, the Picasso is more vibrant and full of life.

The cats will often sleep the day away. The dogs, by contrast, never settle down.

88后吴大维 · 发表于 2011-8-5 07:39:03

不废话了。- -
LZ爱你。

[雅思杂谈] [摩天楼竣工]独门烤鸭菜谱，简单易操作，作文从5.5变7.5哟亲！不接受中差评的哟亲！

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