雅思大作文一篇，求高手批改
Some people think high-school graduates should travel or work for a period of time before they go to university. To what extent do you agree?<br />
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Answer:<br />
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Educational issue is a never outdated topic of discussion. Now, let us focus on whether high-school graduates need tour or work for a period of time before they start their undergraduate days.<br />
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No doubt that travel and work can expand our vision and enrich our experience of occupation, live and how to deal with other people even how to tackle trouble. Especially, these experience are plenty important to the students who will take relevant majors in their universities.For instance, a student who has participated job as an electrician that he or she would be superior to his/her peers in the electronic course.<br />
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However, their advantages would just stay in which they have experienced, whereafter, they begin reveal their weaknesses. When a student is enjoying his/her travel or repairing a damaged car, his/her peers are memorising equations in a maths class. That maybe create a gap of basic education between he/she and his/her peers. On the other hand, during their travelling or occupational time, they would be in trouble. Which, some terrible things could traumatize them at an early age. As a consequence, when they graduate from university, they would not more outstanding than their peers.<br />
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Speaking for myself, the tertiary-level education is a approach to the students' career life and play a crucial role in their future. Students' grasp of what has been taught is a sword that they can wield to confront challenge. Further more, Students can earn the experience of travel or work on their summer vacation and winter vacation rather than spend their school time.<br />
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今天花了一小时左右写的，包括自检时间，把能改的差不多改过了。顺便问一下，估计就这样的文章能拿几分呢？<br />
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用词有点高深，我很多看不懂的...
自觉资历不足，就先不评论了。
比我水平高
没说至少要写多少字吗？
1、字数不够
2、读起来很难follow,观点好像不明确,每段好像也没什么topic sentence和supporting的evidence,是我没看懂吗
1. 使用了不少高级词汇，但是一些基础词汇的使用仍不准确，如最后一句的spend，‘rather than spend their school time.’， 这句话我其实没有读懂。
2. 语法小错不断，如主谓一致，如‘plenty important ’等等，基础语法还需要加强
3.逻辑比较混乱
4. 连贯性也不好
愚见： lz应该在逻辑和连贯性上多下功夫，词汇和语法的话稍微注意下就好了，尤其词汇还是不错的（比我好多了）
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词不在深,达意即可. 太追求难词新词反而容易超出自己的控制能力往往容易导致失分
望lz在基础上多下点功夫,少犯小错误一定可以拿到更好的成绩.拿最后一段来说,和结构与内容相比,语法错误可能更影响最后的评分.
Speaking for myself, the tertiary-level(一般不加) education is an approach to the students' careers life (去掉)and plays a crucial role in their future. Students' grasp of what has been taught is a sword that they can wield to confront challenge. Further more Furthermore, Students can earn the experience of traveling or work on their summer vacations and winter vacations rather than instead of spending their time in school.
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如果是练习的话，可以先练好introduction。
e.g.
Education is not everything about school activities. Travel or work experiences can direct a school leaver in what area he or she is to receive tertiary education, though they may play a superficial role sometimes.
附议。词汇只是评分标准的一个方面，其他方面比如题目的完成度(比如通篇都没有明确指出你倾向于哪个论点)，论证的说服力(用了一些想当然的东西做论据，当然我承认这个题目的确不好写)还有语法等等与词汇有着相当甚至更高的重要性。所以请楼主请在追求词汇量的同时务必多加注意这些方面
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谢谢，看来我要多练习一下基础语法了。